Hello? HelLO?

Are you as fascinated with your own cool self as I am with my own cool self? 

There are A LOT of why's I've been happy and relieved to release. Kind of like the summer shed, or how snakes wriggle right out of their too small skin and slither into the day with their shiny selfs already in place. Dogs just live the best dog life, walking through a cloud of shed fur. Rolling in the grass on a really good gross smell they've discovered, and leaving behind little packets of fur they just don't need. Not debating whether she...I'll use Purdy Pup to avoid the they/their situation. It's? She...should shed a little, since it is getting warmer, no. Purdy just pops around the house leaving a furry flight trail behind. Do you suppose a Rattler is staying up nights fretting over the pros and cons of leaving that skin behind? Hecks no. They just do.  And so, like the best slithering snakes and warmest dogs, some of our why's just fall away without much work or thought. 

Maybe every year you are able to live past 26, you do the natural work or answering or releasing our life questions. And then the closer you get to 45, some of the why's that fell away are revealed! Oh. Now I see why I reacted that way! Ach! I wish she knew that won't matter down the road. I am struggling with a question about my own behavior, it may be an issue I will ultimately need help understanding, but this much I know: it will be my life long partner.  

Food. Health. Movement. Why is it sometimes I am certain healthful eating is a hill I cannot climb? And I try to make myself start a program for weight loss, but my stamina drops off after a few months with Noom, or one day in the case of Whole 30, three memberships to Weight Watchers. A YMCA membership ignored! A series of appointments cancelled with the medical weight loss providers in my network. The Corona shut down started here in MN just before my first video appointment was scheduled and I could not stop stressing about it. My anxiety was through the roof with kids home from school and no work for me.

Thursday night during my Instascrolling, I "tapped for more" on an advertisement, ultimately purchasing a menu for pre-diabetes. I ordered groceries to be delivered the next morning. I followed the menu for day one, prepared for day two. I want to know what is it that tells me I am ready or I am not.  Why is it I am interested in this diet change right now? We made a spontaneous trip to Duluth, thanks to the neighbor's willingness to let the dogs in and out. I ate what I wanted, was mindful about portions and carbs, I didn't throw it all away. I didn't abandon myself out on this ledge of health and being. Today is day four, Day IV, and I'm not in tears. I'm not wringing my hand about eating. I'm not worried if I can "stay on plan". In fact, I felt like a bawse drinking coconut milk in my coffee, rather then all the cream you can add and still call it coffee. Cashew butter tastes like the best thing ever. At the moment I have fish thawing in the fridge. I have a plan, and I have some sort of looseness in my spirit. I'm allowing for not being perfect. 

Why though. Why was Thursday different from another night? Why have I stopped being mindful and intentional in the past? How will I manage to reach my goal? Why does goal setting appeal to me now, and motivate me, (I am saving for an egress window for the basement), and not before? Why did goal choke me previously? The answer is...the answer is...I don't know. I just know that later I will have some fish and some greens and probably a little something more than that. I know that tomorrow is a salon day, and that will make for some challenges, but it will be okay. I will be okay. Because why not?

We have it all

Russell has strep throat again, or more likely, still. A month ago he, Suvi, and Judah did 10 days of antibiotics to kill strep, but this guy is miserable again. Throwing up, stinky runny diapers, cranky, over tired. And I'm exhausted. Habtamu has been sleeping on the couch more often than not so at least one of us can sleep. Russell ends up in Dad's side of the bed an awful lot! 

I actually like sleeping with my kids once in a while. I love that little warm breath keeping pace through the night. But Mr Russgus likes to sleep east/west in a full size north/south kind of bed. He still gets up every night sometime between 11 and 1 o'clock. After that, he can't seem to settle back into his own bed. He'll keep waking up bawling many times. So it's probably counter productive to have him sleep with Mom, yet it keeps him sleeping longer and the house quiet for the rest of these hooligans.

And now he is sick. Again. 

I have been down with bug after bug myself since September. It's bringing me down. My clients are mentioning it. My Mom is telling me to eat oranges. 

I'm all, "Calgon, take me away!" (Not really. Baths take too long.)

It's difficult to maintain perspective when one is sleep deprived. I, for one, start to think of every detail about my life that isn't perfect. This house needs repairs, remodeling, clutter-reduction, redecorating. The same goes for me. My doctor retired last May, and I haven't settled on a new one. I need to make an appointment. The kids want to sign up for sports, but it's so expensive. My hair looks stupid. We don't see friends. We don't go on dates. I haven't been to Finland in 16 years. I keep losing my book. 

Blink, blink.

Then I start to feel guilty for not appreciating what we DO have. A car that's paid off, a (humble) house we can afford. A good clinic near-by for our otherwise healthy family. Gram 3 doors down. Friends we miss! Extended family that is safe and accounted for. 2 jobs we like. Library cards. An excellent school for our kids. A kindergartener who is starting to read!! HGTV. PBS. Adele. 45 minutes of cozy time on the couch to chat with and to be cheered by my faithful, hardworking husband.

Sigh. I do want a snazzy house, but I'm happy for the love inside our little, shabby shack. And that Spring is nearly here.

I'll cry your tears

...even and especially if you didn't ask.

At church on Sunday, I made the lady sitting next to me cry. She has a special place in my heart because she moved far away from her parents and siblings when she was a young, red sports car driving, chick TO MARRY A MINNESOTA BOY. I wanted to move far, far away when I was a young, city bus riding, chick. 

When you're young, it's likely you can't look to the future: your spring brain doesn't yet know what it doesn't know. Youth is a risk taking season. It's energizing and summer lasts a really long time. I married a feller who took a youthful leap into adventure far away from home...these are my people.

And so, sitting in my pew there four rows from the back, I observed a brother (who is now local) smile with his whole face when his sister walked up the aisle towards him. She lives 6 or 7 or 8 hours away, I think, and it was just lovely to see these siblings embrace. Then. Hot tears filled my eyes so that when I stopped being nosey and looked back to my song book, the words were swimming. Tears for the woman next to me who doesn't get to embrace her brother on a (somewhat random) Sunday morning. Over-seas is really far away when you'd do well with a hug from your brother.

And because sometimes my release involves an other, I had to tell her my thoughts. And that I had absorbed some of the sting she has coped with and sorted in her many years in her "new" home. 

My tears were for you. I see you. I recognize that you have sacrificed. Immigrants are fascinating folks. You are super rad. (Also I'm sorry for the unplanned cry session. 😬)

Hello, red bird.

Sitting in my car listening to Radio Lab, I was startled by a cardinal lighting on a branch outside my window. "Hello, red bird. Who are you?"

Word up!

Release.

 •expectations 

 •habits that are, or have become,  unnecessary

 •joy, so it can bounce around 

unregulated

 •shame 

 •fear

 •my truth.

That's my word for 2016 (or 5-4, in my personal, on-going need for math (*/4)): R-e-l-e-a-s-e. I'm going all Elsa up in here an' gonna Let It Go, y'all!

Happy New Year!!!!

V cut

Today I put a fountain pop in my purse. 

In the evening, I cut a v in my finger during a haircut. I was really warm and it was distracting me from the long to short cut I was working on. After I knicked my finger with the shears, I got a bandage, took off my sweater (immodest tank exposed!), spilled water on my phone + desk, and found a piece of gum. Cooling off + chewing peppermint gum helped me regain focus. My client let me cut 10-12 inches from her hair. It was great fun to see the new style reveal itself. She looked younger by 10 years. At least!

I'm sure there were plenty of other ditzy moments in between the forgotten fountain pop tipping in my purse and spilling water on my phone (it's fine-I'm using it right now!), but I'm happy my day turned around. 

Tomorrow will be clearer with more rest. Good night!

Numbness in the extremities

I'm feeling like I'm on the cusp of something. You know that feeling? Like bumbling around in the dark, when everything familiar by day becomes foreign by night. 

I never believed people when they said they turned their feelings off. But I'm eating compulsively. It's my tell.

As if I'm stepping into the room with trepidation and both hands reaching out in front of me to detect and lessen the pain of collision. What is it there? What can I not see? 

What am I afraid of?