Hello? HelLO?

Are you as fascinated with your own cool self as I am with my own cool self? 

There are A LOT of why's I've been happy and relieved to release. Kind of like the summer shed, or how snakes wriggle right out of their too small skin and slither into the day with their shiny selfs already in place. Dogs just live the best dog life, walking through a cloud of shed fur. Rolling in the grass on a really good gross smell they've discovered, and leaving behind little packets of fur they just don't need. Not debating whether she...I'll use Purdy Pup to avoid the they/their situation. It's? She...should shed a little, since it is getting warmer, no. Purdy just pops around the house leaving a furry flight trail behind. Do you suppose a Rattler is staying up nights fretting over the pros and cons of leaving that skin behind? Hecks no. They just do.  And so, like the best slithering snakes and warmest dogs, some of our why's just fall away without much work or thought. 

Maybe every year you are able to live past 26, you do the natural work or answering or releasing our life questions. And then the closer you get to 45, some of the why's that fell away are revealed! Oh. Now I see why I reacted that way! Ach! I wish she knew that won't matter down the road. I am struggling with a question about my own behavior, it may be an issue I will ultimately need help understanding, but this much I know: it will be my life long partner.  

Food. Health. Movement. Why is it sometimes I am certain healthful eating is a hill I cannot climb? And I try to make myself start a program for weight loss, but my stamina drops off after a few months with Noom, or one day in the case of Whole 30, three memberships to Weight Watchers. A YMCA membership ignored! A series of appointments cancelled with the medical weight loss providers in my network. The Corona shut down started here in MN just before my first video appointment was scheduled and I could not stop stressing about it. My anxiety was through the roof with kids home from school and no work for me.

Thursday night during my Instascrolling, I "tapped for more" on an advertisement, ultimately purchasing a menu for pre-diabetes. I ordered groceries to be delivered the next morning. I followed the menu for day one, prepared for day two. I want to know what is it that tells me I am ready or I am not.  Why is it I am interested in this diet change right now? We made a spontaneous trip to Duluth, thanks to the neighbor's willingness to let the dogs in and out. I ate what I wanted, was mindful about portions and carbs, I didn't throw it all away. I didn't abandon myself out on this ledge of health and being. Today is day four, Day IV, and I'm not in tears. I'm not wringing my hand about eating. I'm not worried if I can "stay on plan". In fact, I felt like a bawse drinking coconut milk in my coffee, rather then all the cream you can add and still call it coffee. Cashew butter tastes like the best thing ever. At the moment I have fish thawing in the fridge. I have a plan, and I have some sort of looseness in my spirit. I'm allowing for not being perfect. 

Why though. Why was Thursday different from another night? Why have I stopped being mindful and intentional in the past? How will I manage to reach my goal? Why does goal setting appeal to me now, and motivate me, (I am saving for an egress window for the basement), and not before? Why did goal choke me previously? The answer is...the answer is...I don't know. I just know that later I will have some fish and some greens and probably a little something more than that. I know that tomorrow is a salon day, and that will make for some challenges, but it will be okay. I will be okay. Because why not?