Wishing and Hoping

You know, I can do all the wishin' and hopin' my little head is capable of, but sometimes it's --wait, MOST times, it is the moving and doing that gets me what needs getting.
Sigh.
It's New Year's Eve.  We are out of bread.  I am rather handy at baking bread these days, BUT...i don't WANT to. Pout, pout. I'm going to wake up tomorrow, and either we will have bread or we won't.  It is up.to.me.
It means change. It means stop moping because "things" are changing, and get with it.  DUDE! Do you want the bread?  Then get off of your money maker and get.the.bacon. Er, bread.
Yesterday I had lunch with some girlfriends.  It was so right and fun and encouraging.
   "You don't know everything.  Use all the tools that are available to you," said one fine friend.
Isn't she smart? SO SMART! My friends may not have known how much they were encouraging me; I was debating over taking one of the kids into the clinic, but that encouragement is flowing over to today as well.  I am going to bake my bread already.  And I called the (cue dramatic, scary music)...BANK.  I've been needing to do it for a month, but kept putting it off.
You are looking at an independent contractor (still in the salon where I have been employed for the last 10.5 years).  I needed to set up my bank account to accept plastic payment.  I will not be accepting rubber payment, so if you are broke, Girrrrl, reschedule. :) I have been hesitant/nervous/procrastinating switching over for several years and for many reasons...like, there was that 30 question test (which is not difficult) that I had to take. Twice. There is the purchasing of my own supplies.  There is the setting aside and paying of taxes.  There is the responsibility for my own success.  It is happening, Baby! I AM in charge of my business.
What a great friend and mentor my former boss and current Salon Owner has turned out to be.  He had to really push me quite definitely and firmly to make this change.  He has been gently nudging me for, seriously you guys, three years.  He and his bride are just good peeps. I feel very fortunate to have been able to grow up and through this decade at Mark of Excellence.
The folks around me are my tools, and collectively, they know so very much about living.  I will forever be a wisher and hope-er. A hesitant doer.  Ima jus do eet.
Happy New Year!
Here's hopin y'all are doin fine and baking your proverbial bread!  WiHOOOO!
2014 in da HA-OUSE!
Feel free to say a little prayer for me!

The ol' Switcheroo!

Judah writes with either hand.

i like these ol' beautes.

Suvi likes to use the camera.  you can see the reflection of her t-shirt in the window. i was just getting home from work when she took this photo.

today i have been a bit angsty, worrying about finances and the fact that judah needs a filling. he had an appointment last week, but wouldn't allow the dentist to even look at the tooth. it's 'L', for those of you who know your baby teeth. 

i heard the mail arrive and in it was some good, good celebration-worthy news for someone we love (we, as in my family in this house, not we, as in you the reader & i). also, we got the Valpak envelope & i wonder whether folks actually open &/or use the adverts inside. my heavy heart switched from worry and despair to tears of joy.  it's THE best kind of switcheroo.

Here I am!

When I was in my 20's, I went to San Francisco with a humongous group of friends.  We didn't stay there for more than a day, if my memory serves; we rented minivans to drive to Yosemite and along the Lost Coast.  It was such a beautiful trip.  It was the beginning of the end of an era.  I witnessed my friend falling in love. I got to see my friends seeing the Pacific Ocean for the first time.  I withdrew to my imagination and dreamed of my someday life.  My life with children, as an artist, living in that part of the country.  I loved the sunshine and the raw beauty of the beach, of the golden, tall grasses, of the chill in the air on a July day.  I was moving through my self-induced heart ache, blinking back my embarrassment, learning about accepting the things I cannot change, and simultaneously enjoying this wonderful trip. But to survive the pain of a friendship that was changing, distancing, I had to inflate my imagination.

That story I created has stayed with me.  It is a happy memory of a day-dream, to think of driving down a dusty road with four kids in the back of an old float-boat of a car, my sun-lightened hair in a pony tail...sigh.  Sometimes, because I am that kind of crazy, I get a little sad about that day dream.  Sad because in my imagination, I am light, and free, and airy, and 125 lbs, and younger, braver, artsier, better.  YOU.GUYS.  I am such kind of crazy that I get LONESOME for a me that never was.  {smirk} And you thought YOU were nuts. Not even.

The thing of it is, I felt it today.  I felt the feeling I imagined having. Today.  I was leaving a lake-side park where we'd spent a few hours with my friend and her little darlings.  It's breezy today, sunshiney, cool in the shade...my salon-lightened hair is too short for a pony, and my car is not a beater (PTL), I drove away down the interstate.  All those details were different but that feeling...sigh.  So right. Maybe what this is what 38 does? Helps me see.  Tells me I am here. Stands up, arms waving, "Here I am!"

Thankful for my wonderful friend and this glorious day!!!

I'm here, I'm 38, and I'm temporarily...

Sans Internet.

It's quite alright, to go days

With no connection

When speaking of the Internet.

Happy Birthday to me, and all my favorite July birthday girls! I'm remembering an Eems birthday on the beach at Park Point.  Oh, those youthful days, where DID they go?

Enjoy your weekend, send your friend a post card, a letter, a magazine clipping, kool aid, a spoon... Something. I got two very special pieces of mail today & I am pleased as punch!

(We should be connected again soon, perhaps within the week. The kids, especially Theo, and I will cheer when wifi is returned to our schedule!)

This is my beautiful niece and her bun-in-the-oven.