Hello? HelLO?

Are you as fascinated with your own cool self as I am with my own cool self? 

There are A LOT of why's I've been happy and relieved to release. Kind of like the summer shed, or how snakes wriggle right out of their too small skin and slither into the day with their shiny selfs already in place. Dogs just live the best dog life, walking through a cloud of shed fur. Rolling in the grass on a really good gross smell they've discovered, and leaving behind little packets of fur they just don't need. Not debating whether she...I'll use Purdy Pup to avoid the they/their situation. It's? She...should shed a little, since it is getting warmer, no. Purdy just pops around the house leaving a furry flight trail behind. Do you suppose a Rattler is staying up nights fretting over the pros and cons of leaving that skin behind? Hecks no. They just do.  And so, like the best slithering snakes and warmest dogs, some of our why's just fall away without much work or thought. 

Maybe every year you are able to live past 26, you do the natural work or answering or releasing our life questions. And then the closer you get to 45, some of the why's that fell away are revealed! Oh. Now I see why I reacted that way! Ach! I wish she knew that won't matter down the road. I am struggling with a question about my own behavior, it may be an issue I will ultimately need help understanding, but this much I know: it will be my life long partner.  

Food. Health. Movement. Why is it sometimes I am certain healthful eating is a hill I cannot climb? And I try to make myself start a program for weight loss, but my stamina drops off after a few months with Noom, or one day in the case of Whole 30, three memberships to Weight Watchers. A YMCA membership ignored! A series of appointments cancelled with the medical weight loss providers in my network. The Corona shut down started here in MN just before my first video appointment was scheduled and I could not stop stressing about it. My anxiety was through the roof with kids home from school and no work for me.

Thursday night during my Instascrolling, I "tapped for more" on an advertisement, ultimately purchasing a menu for pre-diabetes. I ordered groceries to be delivered the next morning. I followed the menu for day one, prepared for day two. I want to know what is it that tells me I am ready or I am not.  Why is it I am interested in this diet change right now? We made a spontaneous trip to Duluth, thanks to the neighbor's willingness to let the dogs in and out. I ate what I wanted, was mindful about portions and carbs, I didn't throw it all away. I didn't abandon myself out on this ledge of health and being. Today is day four, Day IV, and I'm not in tears. I'm not wringing my hand about eating. I'm not worried if I can "stay on plan". In fact, I felt like a bawse drinking coconut milk in my coffee, rather then all the cream you can add and still call it coffee. Cashew butter tastes like the best thing ever. At the moment I have fish thawing in the fridge. I have a plan, and I have some sort of looseness in my spirit. I'm allowing for not being perfect. 

Why though. Why was Thursday different from another night? Why have I stopped being mindful and intentional in the past? How will I manage to reach my goal? Why does goal setting appeal to me now, and motivate me, (I am saving for an egress window for the basement), and not before? Why did goal choke me previously? The answer is...the answer is...I don't know. I just know that later I will have some fish and some greens and probably a little something more than that. I know that tomorrow is a salon day, and that will make for some challenges, but it will be okay. I will be okay. Because why not?

Wishing and Hoping

You know, I can do all the wishin' and hopin' my little head is capable of, but sometimes it's --wait, MOST times, it is the moving and doing that gets me what needs getting.
Sigh.
It's New Year's Eve.  We are out of bread.  I am rather handy at baking bread these days, BUT...i don't WANT to. Pout, pout. I'm going to wake up tomorrow, and either we will have bread or we won't.  It is up.to.me.
It means change. It means stop moping because "things" are changing, and get with it.  DUDE! Do you want the bread?  Then get off of your money maker and get.the.bacon. Er, bread.
Yesterday I had lunch with some girlfriends.  It was so right and fun and encouraging.
   "You don't know everything.  Use all the tools that are available to you," said one fine friend.
Isn't she smart? SO SMART! My friends may not have known how much they were encouraging me; I was debating over taking one of the kids into the clinic, but that encouragement is flowing over to today as well.  I am going to bake my bread already.  And I called the (cue dramatic, scary music)...BANK.  I've been needing to do it for a month, but kept putting it off.
You are looking at an independent contractor (still in the salon where I have been employed for the last 10.5 years).  I needed to set up my bank account to accept plastic payment.  I will not be accepting rubber payment, so if you are broke, Girrrrl, reschedule. :) I have been hesitant/nervous/procrastinating switching over for several years and for many reasons...like, there was that 30 question test (which is not difficult) that I had to take. Twice. There is the purchasing of my own supplies.  There is the setting aside and paying of taxes.  There is the responsibility for my own success.  It is happening, Baby! I AM in charge of my business.
What a great friend and mentor my former boss and current Salon Owner has turned out to be.  He had to really push me quite definitely and firmly to make this change.  He has been gently nudging me for, seriously you guys, three years.  He and his bride are just good peeps. I feel very fortunate to have been able to grow up and through this decade at Mark of Excellence.
The folks around me are my tools, and collectively, they know so very much about living.  I will forever be a wisher and hope-er. A hesitant doer.  Ima jus do eet.
Happy New Year!
Here's hopin y'all are doin fine and baking your proverbial bread!  WiHOOOO!
2014 in da HA-OUSE!
Feel free to say a little prayer for me!

The ol' Switcheroo!

Judah writes with either hand.

i like these ol' beautes.

Suvi likes to use the camera.  you can see the reflection of her t-shirt in the window. i was just getting home from work when she took this photo.

today i have been a bit angsty, worrying about finances and the fact that judah needs a filling. he had an appointment last week, but wouldn't allow the dentist to even look at the tooth. it's 'L', for those of you who know your baby teeth. 

i heard the mail arrive and in it was some good, good celebration-worthy news for someone we love (we, as in my family in this house, not we, as in you the reader & i). also, we got the Valpak envelope & i wonder whether folks actually open &/or use the adverts inside. my heavy heart switched from worry and despair to tears of joy.  it's THE best kind of switcheroo.

it's nothing that a little scrubbing can't fix

combine equal parts dish soap and vinegar in one of those wand dish scrubbers. clean your sink, clean your shower. be happy.

that's what happens to me when i can get our shower a little sparklier. you can leave this wand in your shower and just do a quick scrub on the walls while you are showering. or, you can go in there during nap time wearing your flip flops and scrub, scrub, scrub your worries away. 

my thoughts are a little raw today...not bad, really, just super earthy...like when you can smell the rain before it comes, or like how the humidity rises when the sun comes out. 

um...NO.
not like that at all.
more like when you drink coffee because you like the taste of it, even though you know it will keep you up half the night. or stay out in the sun without sunscreen because the heat is just.so.right. i have been letting thoughts roll around in my little head that should be rolling on through. I AM PLAYING 'LET'S PRETEND'.
cleaning the bathroom today gave me some relief from my imagination.  and some sparkle.

chew on that.

My sink is a disaster.

We have had a bathroom project going on for a few days over a week. Part of that involves redoing the flooring, a great deal of learning through experience (making mistakes), supporting Home Depot, and a dusty messy house. I don't understand why the debris of a project tends to make everyday mess expand to three times it's usual amount. Or why the broom is broken.

I started to pick-up the living room so that I can vacuum. Somehow that prompted me to empty and sort the front closet. Now I have a spot for the vacuum, once there is enough crap put away in that living room. But now I have all these shoes to put away (the closet will no longer be housing them) on the back room rack. The back room/dining room is a total mess with kid papers, project tools, wardrobe changes, and dirt. So if I can use the broom to sweep the floor and pull out all the extra stuff from under the table, I can easily set the former front closet shoes on the back room rack. The broom is broken!

I searched for my hot glue gun for 5 minutes, plugged it in at the kitchen sink, which is the host to every single dish and 74% of the silverware we own. There is plenty to do, and it was overwhelming me to such a great extent, I took my iPad to our "library" for peace and quiet and a bit of a vent.

I've concocted a plan...put the baby to bed, put the 5 year old on the iPad, fix the broom, and set the timer for ten minutes to clean up the dining room. It will work....the timer always works! I will leave the sink for last ;)