Hello? HelLO?

Are you as fascinated with your own cool self as I am with my own cool self? 

There are A LOT of why's I've been happy and relieved to release. Kind of like the summer shed, or how snakes wriggle right out of their too small skin and slither into the day with their shiny selfs already in place. Dogs just live the best dog life, walking through a cloud of shed fur. Rolling in the grass on a really good gross smell they've discovered, and leaving behind little packets of fur they just don't need. Not debating whether she...I'll use Purdy Pup to avoid the they/their situation. It's? She...should shed a little, since it is getting warmer, no. Purdy just pops around the house leaving a furry flight trail behind. Do you suppose a Rattler is staying up nights fretting over the pros and cons of leaving that skin behind? Hecks no. They just do.  And so, like the best slithering snakes and warmest dogs, some of our why's just fall away without much work or thought. 

Maybe every year you are able to live past 26, you do the natural work or answering or releasing our life questions. And then the closer you get to 45, some of the why's that fell away are revealed! Oh. Now I see why I reacted that way! Ach! I wish she knew that won't matter down the road. I am struggling with a question about my own behavior, it may be an issue I will ultimately need help understanding, but this much I know: it will be my life long partner.  

Food. Health. Movement. Why is it sometimes I am certain healthful eating is a hill I cannot climb? And I try to make myself start a program for weight loss, but my stamina drops off after a few months with Noom, or one day in the case of Whole 30, three memberships to Weight Watchers. A YMCA membership ignored! A series of appointments cancelled with the medical weight loss providers in my network. The Corona shut down started here in MN just before my first video appointment was scheduled and I could not stop stressing about it. My anxiety was through the roof with kids home from school and no work for me.

Thursday night during my Instascrolling, I "tapped for more" on an advertisement, ultimately purchasing a menu for pre-diabetes. I ordered groceries to be delivered the next morning. I followed the menu for day one, prepared for day two. I want to know what is it that tells me I am ready or I am not.  Why is it I am interested in this diet change right now? We made a spontaneous trip to Duluth, thanks to the neighbor's willingness to let the dogs in and out. I ate what I wanted, was mindful about portions and carbs, I didn't throw it all away. I didn't abandon myself out on this ledge of health and being. Today is day four, Day IV, and I'm not in tears. I'm not wringing my hand about eating. I'm not worried if I can "stay on plan". In fact, I felt like a bawse drinking coconut milk in my coffee, rather then all the cream you can add and still call it coffee. Cashew butter tastes like the best thing ever. At the moment I have fish thawing in the fridge. I have a plan, and I have some sort of looseness in my spirit. I'm allowing for not being perfect. 

Why though. Why was Thursday different from another night? Why have I stopped being mindful and intentional in the past? How will I manage to reach my goal? Why does goal setting appeal to me now, and motivate me, (I am saving for an egress window for the basement), and not before? Why did goal choke me previously? The answer is...the answer is...I don't know. I just know that later I will have some fish and some greens and probably a little something more than that. I know that tomorrow is a salon day, and that will make for some challenges, but it will be okay. I will be okay. Because why not?

Word up!

Release.

 •expectations 

 •habits that are, or have become,  unnecessary

 •joy, so it can bounce around 

unregulated

 •shame 

 •fear

 •my truth.

That's my word for 2016 (or 5-4, in my personal, on-going need for math (*/4)): R-e-l-e-a-s-e. I'm going all Elsa up in here an' gonna Let It Go, y'all!

Happy New Year!!!!

Cookie Crisp

As I was pouring a little bowl of sugah cereále at 11:45 P.M., I told myself that I hadn't done too poorly with my food choices today. And then I realized the day started a long before my lean chicken breast for supper. Well then. Let's just start counting from 8 this evening and call it good;)

I'm sort of confused.

There is some battle happening on fb. One woman posted photos of her toned bod post kids, asking, "what is your excuse?" In response, many people have shamed her for sharing her perspective, her values. Today I saw yet another response rebuking this fit Mom, with a photo of her self, naked, soft, but not obese, body.

I just want to understand these women. The second is judging the first for wanting to push women to push themselves. The second woman felt judged by the first. You know what, Ladies? If you are feeling judged, you are exposing/protesting the wrong part of your body. 

If you perceive judgement, it is your brain that needs flexing. Why do you want to correct or hold yourself apart? It is trivial to me, who has been morbidly obese for the past 10 years. I don't make excuses; I don't make healthy choices. Do I get down about my cankles and my hanging belly? Yes. Do you, who gets out for walks every day & does not have a compulsion to eat fast food MAKE me feel bad? No. You might judge me, but that's your business. I totally judge fat people, too, but just in my head. Because we understand our weakness is visible to everybody. I am vain, too. I take selfies- just from the elbow up!

I hope to choose kindness. I hope to choose love. I hope to be generous. In my words, thoughts, and in my deeds. You know, Jesus was born in a lowly stable, amongst the animals. Maybe we can choose to set aside our pride, be gracious and grateful, and enjoy this beautiful season of love! Let's do!

 

Fit, Flabby, or Fatty- Merry Christmas to you!

What I want

Tonight I had a bowl of Golden Grahams and I wished for some marshmallow bits to add to my bowl. 

 I started some googling and found other peeps have already put them together. Pinterest is taking over the world, by the by.

Also, my hands and feet have been a bit swollen the past few days...I am wondering if it was due to eating pizza on Saturday with my sisters & again last night? Who knows. But it makes me long for massage, a lazy river to float in, and one of these:

I could just start that thing at my toes and squeeze the swell right on up to my lymph nodes. Pee to be free!

You can see my flip flop mark by Judah's hand & my puffy ankles. There was no Diet Coke involved here! (We were watching Home Alone 3. For educational purposes, of course!)

.....

Judah's cavity was finally filled today. I took him in to Dentistry for Children a couple moths ago because I could see the cavity & I knew he needed a special team. He's feisty and unbelievably strong. The first filling appointment was a flop. He would not cooperate. As soon as we got back in the car that day, he fell asleep. Today he had better rest, a different assistant, and laughing gas. A few struggles, but it is filled!

That little red thing in the left corner was his prize...one of those water games where you push the button to puff the puzzle pieces up on the ledge. 

 

Who is going to pay 50 bucks for this full size version!?

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Vintage-1976-Tomy-Waterful-Tic-Tac-Toe-Nice-Hand-Held-Air-Powered-Water-Game-/251328724162

My list

It's short and pathetic and long lasting and redundant. 

Wanna hear it? (Again?)

Well, shoooooooh. Here goes!

-I completely suck at managing money

--and earning it

-I'm really fat

--and slowly getting fatter

---my son has commented on how fast I eat

---and his sister calls me Fat & Big Fat, daily when she's frustrated

-I'm self obsessed & 'helpless'

These are all things I can probably change, I can improve.  things I can make better, but they're always gonna be  challenges for me. it's part of who I am, and for now, it's literally weighing me down.

I had a no-show client today. And as I waited for my second client I could feel my anxiety rising. It was as if this client not showing up was like a personal rejection. In actuality, and I think that he is struggling with his own happiness and frustration levels at work and home, it's more of a reflection of his time management than an act of disrespect to me. But I felt like he was stealing from me. I felt guilty for taking time off (we were camping-it was LOVELY) last week. I was stressing about paying bills. About personal commitments I made for this week, thinking about how his generous tip would afford me those commitments. Plotting what I can sell. Questioning myself: if I have to be away from my family, why am I not doing all I can to earn more?

Then, I pulled out my phone, played a game (cut the rope) until my 2nd client arrived. She just got the news her hours are being cut at her job. Plus she has a sty and mono. Those are legit, out-of-her-hands problems. I'm just over here rockin my personal pity party for one. C'mon, Jennifer! Move your BUNS!

30 seconds of disbelief

my hair is matted
my face is flushed
sweat is rolling off my head, down my back

i am sobbing
my whole body is in motion
from mind and heart to feet

this is taking me by complete surprise
one hundred twenty seven seconds of face drenching tears
bend at the waist
crying

and my legs, my feet
they keep moving.
i keep moving through my tears
and confusion of emotion
i keep walking

it started at minute 14
at minute 16:28 i lifted my head up to the ceiling
i let go of the machine in front of me, and
i walked.

every part of me is in motion
in emotion
in regneration, in repair

then a gift
for 30 seconds
my legs and arms swinging
faster than walking
tears again, for the gift of 30 seconds of running
my head floating, my feet RUNNING.

Small & Simple

I spent the last 4-5 days near the loo.  Stomach bugs are no fun, you see, no fun attol.
Judah and I have been stinky partners in crime, butt (ha, ha) I think we are now in the clear.  AAAAAHHHHH! (angelic choir)

A consequence to the loss of fluids, was a reduction in my water retention.  At this level of obesity, I have heard it is not uncommon to retain water/have swelling in the legs/edema.  I have struggled with it for a long time, before I was, shall we say, quite so Large and In Charge.  I think it's the diet Coke and crap I eat, more than just the weight. Anyhoosie, my little feet have been looking like REGULAR ol' feet. No swelling. Don't get me wrong, I will always have cankles, but it was such a relief not to have puffy feet.  Sigh.  You MUST look for the good in things.
Crap your pants three nights in a row? At least your feet don't hurt.  Sanitizing every bloomin' surface under this roof? Thankfully, you bought that huge pack of Lysol at Costco.  Afraid to eat anything after having a poop-tastsic weekend? You got a little head start on your new weight-loss action plan!
And actually, that last bit of good was the point of my post.  I spent most of the day worried I was going to gain it all back, refilling my water cup, looking at my non-swollen feet, and eating small portion snacks/meals.  I had fountain pop twice last week, but haven't brought any 12 packs of diet coke in here for a few weeks.  It has been easier than I expected to move away from diet Coke, so I will just look at the food thing like the pop thing. How is this going to affect my feet?  Keep it small, keep it simple.  My outlook, my meal, my pocketbook, my shopping list...the same rule applies!!! (this rule DOES NOT apply to HAIR. BIG HAIR or go home, people)

What's your thing?

What is the thing that sends you into your superpower?
How did you find your super special superpower? And how did you recognize it?

What I am asking you is, what are you really good at and how do you know?   Tell me how it makes you feel, what you think while you are performing your mad superpower skilz.

When I am "behind the chair," as we say in the hair biz, I am comfortable, relaxed, sure. I don't know if it is my superpower really, but I do enjoy my work.  That I must depend on the choice of others to do my work is tough.  People have to want to be in my chair.  They have to make a choice about whether to pay for hair services and to whom they will give their business.  It doesn't matter if I am suddenly in the mood to do hair, it matters if you, my client, are in the mood to come in!

Yes, hairdressing gives me enjoyment.  Yet something is missing,  I want more. More focus, more stick-to-it-ness, more confidence.  Not less hairdressing. More of that, too, please.
Hmm.
...
Recently I asked a friend who is progressing on a plan for healthier, or as she says clean eating, how she is achieving her success.  "I just do it, even when I don't want to."  That piece is a mountainous challenge for me.  The 'I don't want to' sits between my shoulder blades and wants to keep me in my chair. To shift my attitude about daily life tasks and goals, I am listing the work  I complete, rather than my former tendency of bemoaning what I cannot/have not done. It is easy and predictable to be miserable, right? It takes work to have the view from the mountain top. Stupid verticals. Stupid smart friends. Wait. What? No, stupid misery.

Would you like to see my list for today?

• Blogged with words.
• Lined up Gram to watch the kids a couple times in the next two weeks.
• Trimmed Theo's hair.
• Walked up and down the driveway, pulling Judah in the wagon.
• Kept that last one on the bullet list, even though I fear it isn't worthy of mention, but it is a baby step for me in cleaner living, so i know it is important to keep it on the list.

Do you keep a list for yourself?  

Peace for the week! jt.

haircut

it's my constant debate: keep growing the hair, or go short? i am still on the growing track.  for now.  last night after work i decided to trim up my bangs, and then found myself doing a whole haircut.   after going through my cut and styling my hair a bit, i was feeling pretty cute.  until i looked down.   i had a little comb out cape on, thinking i was keeping myself hair free.  shoot.

and this is even after some fell off when i walked over to grab the camera.  and my gut is curving like the earth. a hairy earth.  EEW! (snicker) mmm. snickers... what? me? random? well, how 'bout this. theo just said, "celery ice cream? that sounds DELICIOUS." and you thought *I* was random.

if i would have been wearing this cute litte cape, i would have been so stylin'.

i wonder if i should get this for when i do bridal hair.  would you feel like you were a lamp? table?  it's so funny and somehow sort of cute.

Walking, swimming, celebrating

There are so many thoughts and happenings I want to share with you. BUT when I take that moment to breathe and to exhale my stacks of files of wordy words, only AIR comes out.
--- Today we walked to swim class. 1 mile plus 1 mile makes two miles. The weather was perfect- sunny, but not too hot; my mind was as clear as the blue skies. It's not a great distance, I know, but it is the act, the desire, the follow through that is the important piece for me. It is happening, however slowly: reason and practicality have started making some headway in my life again!
--- Maybe it is because the dryer broke. Maybe enough time has passed. The fog is lifting and the hinges are getting oiled, one by one.
--- Today is Judah's birthday. Oh my dear heart! Mama loves you so! I am so happy you came to our family. The day you were born changed my life in a way I had never anticipated. Your breaths were short and labored, it took a little extra time for my body to stop bleeding and start healing. I was scared when you went with Daddy and the nurse to the special care nursery. I prayed you would be healthy. You are! I prayed to be allowed to take care of you. I asked God to give me peace in my heart, to keep me healthy for you and your brother and sister. He did it all! Happy birthday, Judey. You are one spectacular two year old.---
 Happy Monday night and Tuesday, everybody!!

suggestive

what is it that makes me believe the perception others hold of  me
what is it that makes me think that they are so obviously right
what is it that makes me believe that others perceive me negatively
what is it that makes the breath, the walk that is mine stop.
what is it that makes me follow instead of forge ahead.
what is it that makes me go back.

if i keep saying that i cannot ever finish something i start, then i cannot.
if i tell myself that i cannot be successful, then i cannot.

i spent time wallowing today.
i spent time pity partying today.
i cried.
i cried in the gynecologist's office. in front of the doctor.
i cried on the table in the gynecologist's office when the doctor asked about my legs.
i cried on the table in the gynecologist's office when he asked me whether i have a plan to address my weight.

do go and get your pap.
do ask for help.
do not be ashamed.
do get the annoying and ugly skin tags removed from the under arms.
do not wear deodorant until those spots are healed.
do drink lots of water so the pits don't stink.
do allow the doctor to help.
do follow his suggestions.

it is hard to do what is right and best.
it is hard to cry in front of anyone, let alone the freaking gynecologist.
it is possible my medication is not doing enough.
it is hard to start exercising.
it just takes one step at a time, one day at a time.

i am not even sure how to wish my wish

This morning when I read a page from my book in progress  over there on the right under New and Inspirey, my heart jumped.  How exciting! I gasped to myself.  I *wish* I could say that some day.  Because I do wish that.  But...

There is this "but *I* would never be able to write a book.  I don't even know how to start, or where my heart really lies in the matter, and who would even want to read anything I authored anyhow," attached to my wish.  GASP! It's the same kind of thinking that keeps me fat.  "I'll never be able to eat right or start exercizing; I will die from fatness."  Duh.  Nothing changes until something changes.

Does the world need another book?  Another "this is where I was and this is where I am and here is how I got from there to here" book?  Nah.  But I do.  I need it.

You know what?  Some days are super awesome and I can listen to reason and stay out of the bread and sugar. Like today.  For lunch?  Super sensible:  Turkey and ham and a light Babybel cheese on a mini sandwich round thing.and a cuke, tom, lettuce salad.  I was still hungry after a bit, which I announced to my Mother, who promptly suggested fruit, SO I ate an apple.  Seriously.  This is completely elementary and probably one of the, if not THE most difficult challenge in my day.  Actually choosing the food that is best for me, rather than that which is sinfully wrong and delicious.  Sigh.

I do know how and what to eat healthier, will I, is the question.  I know where to start, and what to buy, and  where to look for help.   I do not know where to start or the how or the why to start writing.  It's in me, the desire.  My throat actually gets tight and I get a little flutter in my gut when I think about it.  I guess I'll just start writing the right thing and know it.  Some day.  I WISH! to speak softly to myself.  That will start...n.o.w.

Love to you!

isn't that just the way!

yesterday morning i called my mother pretty much first-off.  i had wanted her to watch the kids so i could have a little break.  i really want to go to national camera exchange, and these kidlettes cannot come along on that trip.  turns out, mom was already babysitting another of her grandkids.  i should have called earlier!
not really. because around noon-thirty, theo puked.  an hour later, suvi puked.  i could feel it in my tummy, but i didn't start until after they went to bed.  i was so.cold.  then judey started around 10:30. the hubbinator was tired, but feeling okay, so he let me rest and wrangled judah all on his own.  'course, a few hours into the night, the dad got it, too.  FIVE pukers does not a happy household make.
Good thing Gram didn't come over.

I wanted her to come because I was feeling a little twisty.  It is difficult for me to tell if the thing that is making me angsty is real, or imagined, but I'm leaning towards real.  You see, I think I said to much to someone, and it is taking quite some time to recover.  BUT, yesterday, amidst all the puking, the clarity swung into my brain for a bit.  What is more important than these darling children?  The rest will get sorted out one way or another.  (It might start with a genuine apology from me, rather than the, "C'mon, don't be mad at me," I tried to sneak by with)

I have been having a crappy week, rather, a fortunately/unfortunately week.  Wednesday our power went out from the storm...it was like shoveling wet towels--so heavy!  But it came back on around 6 P.M.  The last time we lost power from a heavy snow it was out for two days.  The thermostat read something like 48 when the heat came back on.  Thursday, I was pouting to myself that Mom couldn't babysit, but then, she didn't get exposed to this disgusting bug.  Feeling like nobody likes me, everybody hates me...guess what?  There are three little peeps over here who really need their Mama.  And I.need.them.

bits and pieces made a suggestion to the shoe fits on fb so that she might get acquainted with her rebel self.  a thirty day photo challenge.  i printed out the schedule and put in on my calendar and took my self portrait, started planning my 'what i wore today' photo, and voila! it's already happening on my blog roll!  i'm often late to the party, but i still want to play!

march 1st: self portrait (see what i'm saying? angsty)

march 2nd: today's outfit: holey black tank with faded brown pants.  

fortunately/unfortunately

i loaded up the cart with helpful
healthful
protein bars and shakes and frozen enchilada suiza
i ate my ice cream in the dark car before i got home

i feel like the impoverished
version
of something

oh how they love me
oh how they hurt to hear me say
i can't or won't
that i can't stop
and i can't like
MY FATNESS
sucks

something beautiful, something lovely,
something good!
i want to keep my mind, my heart, my feet 
on that pathway

the ugly radio mocks gayle's best friend
"walk away from the mashed potatoes, {rhymes-with-soapra]"
i've heard lorene say it before
fat is evil and ugly and those who wear it are
ugly and lazy.

WHY WOULD I LISTEN TO THAT?

i am thinking of something beautiful:
my baby is a big smoocher and says "muah!"
i am thinking of something lovely:
my daughter is a theatrical, expressive story teller.
i am thinking of something good:
our big boy is learning to spell!

how could those delightful, darling children
be such delights?
they are growing and absorbing and basking in
l.o.v.e.

if i see joy in them, if they are my mirrors
there is joy in me.

i am scaring myself with this excess weight
what if we had to pay a dollar per pound we go over the limit
like at the airport?
money is a big motivator for me.
maybe i can pay myself for every pound i remove from my
baggage



something beautiful, something lovely,
something good!
.............................


okay. i thought of something positive to focus on: since my teeth cleaning a month ago, i have kept up my flossing.  woohoo!
today i played outside with the kids for an hour.  wihoo!
i texted a friend today and called another.  yeeeeehaw!
theo and suvi played kitty and puppy for a couple of hours this afternoon.
they make me laugh!
so does my husband.
the young guy at the store tonight bagged my groceries thoughtfully and pretty much exactly the way i like (he totally deserves a raise!)
phew.
i feel better.  i'm still fat, but at least i ain't so sad.
love to all y'all!  don't beat yourself up, find the beautiful, lovely, & the good.  it is so easy to do!
PEACE.

reaching into the deep

deep into the glossy pages of a magazine

searching for color, for shapes, for hair, for shoes, for clothes, for a landscape, for a story...

for inspiration.

adele is here, she's here, willing to take the risk

she so has a place in my movie somewhere

turning page after page brought me these special k words

i'm interested in size RADIANT

in size ooh-la-la, size stunning

reaching for confident and sassy

you know how so often when a teenager first leaves home for college

or for an apartment

she starts to stretch her limits, her wings, to see where she lands

how far she can go

and still come back home on a weekend

and she might stay up late and try a few forbidden fruits

and she'll probably reel it back in, but at first

she overflows with independence

she's me. only my new surroundings are my very own home.

we have our house back to ourselves and i am finding my way through it

again.

i rearranged the kitchen

bagged up the dishes and the things that don't belong

they are waiting for a ride to their proper home.

i want to change and purge and polish and shine and minimize

simplify

and i want to rest (please, sweet baby judah, sleep through the night again before mommy's brain breaks)

and i don't want to sit still

i want to move and remove until our space is spacious enough

for breathing room

for playing and eating and sleeping and being together

and alone

i think i was holding my breath for a while

now i let it out...whoooooooooooohhhh

and let all the balls fall to the floor

i am in the middle arms extended, feet kicking the air

free to sit on the couch or stay out all day or eat bacon

free to walk, free to play outside with my children, free to

be

trapped in my old patterns

swelling up

and no real gumption

no fake gumption

either

i want to shake it off

break out with wild success

into size stunning, thank you very much.

........

Judah is a big boy.  He's off the charts.  But the pediatrician's concern is for Judah's mother; he recommends she start moving, grooving, walking.  Every day.  I really respect this man, and I was humbled by his recommendation for me.  I know.  I do know.  And I am scared.  Scared stiff.  We walked that day, Judah, too.  I weigh just an unbelievable amount.  I honestly can't believe myself.  I am embarrassed.  I want change.  I will move away from this shame and from this scary place.  Last Saturday I went to a Christmas concert.  I didn't quite fit in the seat.  It is a shame that consumes me.  "Just exercise.  Just watch what you eat."  There is something bigger happening here, because I cannot stop trying.  Trying does not get you anywhere, you know, it is the doing.  Acting with conviction and purpose that results in the change I am seeking. 

I know it is uncomfortable to see people, especially people you know, who are morbidly obese.  And I know the judgements exist, because they live in my head, too.  Please, just be kind.  Send a little love or a prayer or a smile or a little positive energy when you see someone like me.  It might be the thing to tip the scale in the right direction.

second verse, same as the first!

at the sal-on there are mirrors on the east and west walls, so that when you look in the mirror from my station at MOE working on a head at his chair, his reflection is infinite.  it's fun when clients and children discover this repetition of reflections!

you know what's not fun?  discovering my own repetitions of reflection.  about my weight.

i'm so sick of my own whining!!!  honestly!

...

sand waves rocks

sand

waves

rocks

birch

coffee?

talking

laughing

sighing

copper

eagle

fire

bear?

you can scrub the walls

and paint them!

sort the toys

and hide them!

sew the clothes

and aprons!

read. call. create.

look up on your walk

(don't hang your head)

look up, look forward.

feel, forgive, for ever.

IT'S OFFICIAL!

I have made it three dozen years to the ripe age of

36.

I asked my husband to, well, let me rephrase that, I told H to take my picture with my gifts. He took quite a few shots, none of them were super de duper. I thought it might be better to grab a pic of the gifts alone. 

H picked out the purse for me. I didn't expect anything; I love the surprise and the bag is fantastic! I was drooling over the book, my Mom ordered it from Amazon. Serious. She totally surprises me (the online shopping and the actual gift!) Much fun.

Seeing as the photographic representation appeared undesirable, retouching seemed a viable option.  In this manner we can gaze upon my sub-par retouch of my sub-chin chin.  (Brita, are you prepared to edit my chinny chin chin into just one chin?)

Hey. Guess where I first heard about this book?

N.P.R!  haha!

Last weekend the hubbinator was outta town getting rowdy, I suppose, with his pals.  Gramma helped out a bit; it did surprised me how well I coped, however. (that is until last night (he got home tues @ 2 a.m.--4 hrs late due to weather on the east coast) when i blew my top (yes, even on my birthday, i got a leeetle bit stricter) over whiny kids and whiny husband--teehee)  Theo was quite anxious for Daddy to return on Monday night.  He couldn't bear to go to bed.  He tried for a while, but then I just let him stay up with me.  I like the kinds of conversations we have when we're relaxed, the two of us cozied up on the couch with the Bachelorette. (what.  it's totally a good show, comPLETELY kid-appropriate.)  AAAnyhoo, he ended up getting hungry, so he had a sandwich around 9.  He likes roast beef and provolone.  When we got the news that Daddy's plane was delayed, he went off to bed with my promise that Dad would come in and kiss him as soon as he arrived home.  The photo is so very blurry, but I get a kick out of the way he holds his food...like a tray, on the palm of his hand, rather than in his fingers.

Last night my Mom and Shirley stopped over to deliver a birthday cake and the book.  H dashed out on some errands, so we fine ladies enjoyed our dessert with the kids.  Today, while Judah was napping, they had another little sample of birthday cake.  Theo's bowl with his unwanted frosting was forgotten.  Judey boy, not long after he awoke, enjoyed the lapse, helping himself to a sweet treat.  He is 14 months now, already saying "cheese" (or an approximation) when he sees the camera.  Judo Chop, you are too cute!

To celebrate my birthday with the kids, we went grocery shopping mid-morning. Mainly we hit up the nearest super tarzjay, which can be a scene for much begging and pleading "just to look at the toys, mommy."  Normally I get firm and crabby about the thought of looking/hearing theo whine, and trying to catch up to suvi wandering all the aisles with pink toys. (today she told me pink is for girls and blue is for boys, as she was coloring.  i said that yes, sometimes, but girls don't own a color and boys don't own a color, because all the colors are for sharing. yep, she agreed)  I decided to be calm and enjoy their observations about the toys, and we were in the toy department for quite.some.time.  It was my intention to get a little something for the bigger two, since I love gifts, and giving them is just as fun. (I gave my boss a mug with a funny photo and a cute photo of him and his wife. for my bday.)  Suvi chose a little tin pencil box and a pack of markers.  Theo got a little tonka truck. Chuck.  Today, while I was resting my eyes on the couch-ola, Suves got to work with her new markers.  And a fine job she did.

her legs were quite stripey, mostly green with a few brown accents.

She loves to wear my heels.  I can't jam my pudgy tootsies in these anymore; she enjoys them too much for me to throw 'em out.

 Theo has such personality.  I don't know if he was a bad guy or a super hero in this photo.

There was a limb down on a tree across the street, we watched the city workers clean it all up.  They were so fast!  The main part of the clean-up was done in 20 minutes!

A lovely day.  And wow.  A birthday on FB does NOT go unnoticed!

T-13 days

• SOMEBODY you know may be turning 36 very soon.
• 36 is closer to 40 than I'VE ever been.
• 36 isn't young OR old.  it's a weird age.
• at 26 i was young (and cuter)
• being a hairdresser is really good for curing the gossip itch.  peeps tell me their business and i can know it or forget it and all parties remain in tact.
• sometimes fellow bloggettes post things about blood pressure that really make me wish i heard it from my chair, so i could pry a few more deets and satisfy my nosey nature.
• the book i've been reading for a while, but much more the last few days is really intense.  it's called Little Bee.
• my older 2 children may or may not be clothed at this very moment.
• judah cries, sometimes, when the naked kids cry.
• i've been having some fabulous times lately: camping up north, stillwater... so nice.
• i'm ready for the big lake.  it's superior, you know.
• yesterday morning we went to the splash pad, and then to costco.  plus i picked-up a starbucks from the drive-thru, while driving our new ride.  i like to be back in a ford.
• i just put judey-boy down for a nap, so i gots ta get a move on.  a bit of laundry, a shower, some potential cleaning (let's hope the nap doesn't last that long)
• i've lost a pound for each of the diets i've started and stopped in the past 2 months.  (3) that's a record!
• i like to find the silver lining.

doozy

Can I be perfectly frank?  Which means imperfectly perfectly.

Ya, so here's the thing (I hear my children saying this phrase rather a lot.  It and they make me smile.): I am not operating overtly motherly today.  More like a lazy babysitter; everyone is safe and fed. And pacified.  Even the "babysitter". 

I've been reading Geneen Roth's book, Women Food and God.  I can feel my life changing already, and I haven't even finished yet (i haven't finished the book, and i am certainly not done living.  it sort of felt that way, tho, because i was feeling so burdened by my weight--shame and physical pain, and i felt trapped by the self-fulfilling prophesy of telling myself how fat I am.)  Somethings do, you know, they do just absolutely seem doable with just the right spin on it.

Stop gaining weight by not compulsive eating.  Feel what I am feeling, or trying not to feel, and ask myself if my body is actually hungry for four muffins in a row without coming up for air, or if, perhaps, there is something else going on.  I joined WW, again, for the 3rd time in 10 years.  And I ordered some books and I created a profile and I tracked my points for breakfast and lunch.  Breakfast and lunch on Friday, May 13th.  I just couldn't make myself log back in to that website.  I just couldn't look up one single point value or enter any recipes or stop going to the kitchen.  So I gave myself a pass for that weekend, and told myself I would start the new week with a fresh outlook and find my way back to the path of portion control and ... general control?  That was 2 Monday's ago, of course, and no more tracking has been done by Frank, or by Jenny.

When I bought Roth's book last week, I wondered how much of a self-help book I could take.  And I knew it didn't really matter, since I am a weak and dreadful person, at least when it comes to taking care of myself, my body, and it was probably just another one of those indulgent wastes of money I seem to be so good at finding.
Meh.
I was wrong, tho, yo?!
Word.
I really really like the book, and I'm sure I'll have times when I ignore any knowledge gleaned from said read, but it is certainly a positive seed.  Yeah.
Go, Jenny! Read your book! Go, Jenny! Yeah, yeah, Go, Jenny!  Feel your feelings, don't feed them.  Go, Jenny!  You're okay, now. Go, Jenny!  He-ey!  Permitter, compulsive eater in the ha-ouse!  Put the cookie down.  Go, Jenny!
Sometimes it's okay to be your own personal cheerleader.  Promise.

I am GRATEFUL to have been introduced to the book over here.  She's so smart, that Among These Hills author.  I like her.
*Remember to get in on my general gratefulness by entering my drawing on Judah's bday post.*

Yesterday I offered a cookie to Suvi.  She declined because "it hurts my mouth."  "Mine, TOO!" I exclaimed, but it hadn't occured to me until that moment to not eat a cookie that hurts my mouth.  Seriously.  LISTEN to your body, dudes.  Suvi is a beautiful teacher.  It was a doozy of a lesson.