When I was in my 20's, I went to San Francisco with a humongous group of friends. We didn't stay there for more than a day, if my memory serves; we rented minivans to drive to Yosemite and along the Lost Coast. It was such a beautiful trip. It was the beginning of the end of an era. I witnessed my friend falling in love. I got to see my friends seeing the Pacific Ocean for the first time. I withdrew to my imagination and dreamed of my someday life. My life with children, as an artist, living in that part of the country. I loved the sunshine and the raw beauty of the beach, of the golden, tall grasses, of the chill in the air on a July day. I was moving through my self-induced heart ache, blinking back my embarrassment, learning about accepting the things I cannot change, and simultaneously enjoying this wonderful trip. But to survive the pain of a friendship that was changing, distancing, I had to inflate my imagination.
That story I created has stayed with me. It is a happy memory of a day-dream, to think of driving down a dusty road with four kids in the back of an old float-boat of a car, my sun-lightened hair in a pony tail...sigh. Sometimes, because I am that kind of crazy, I get a little sad about that day dream. Sad because in my imagination, I am light, and free, and airy, and 125 lbs, and younger, braver, artsier, better. YOU.GUYS. I am such kind of crazy that I get LONESOME for a me that never was. {smirk} And you thought YOU were nuts. Not even.
The thing of it is, I felt it today. I felt the feeling I imagined having. Today. I was leaving a lake-side park where we'd spent a few hours with my friend and her little darlings. It's breezy today, sunshiney, cool in the shade...my salon-lightened hair is too short for a pony, and my car is not a beater (PTL), I drove away down the interstate. All those details were different but that feeling...sigh. So right. Maybe what this is what 38 does? Helps me see. Tells me I am here. Stands up, arms waving, "Here I am!"
Thankful for my wonderful friend and this glorious day!!!
That story I created has stayed with me. It is a happy memory of a day-dream, to think of driving down a dusty road with four kids in the back of an old float-boat of a car, my sun-lightened hair in a pony tail...sigh. Sometimes, because I am that kind of crazy, I get a little sad about that day dream. Sad because in my imagination, I am light, and free, and airy, and 125 lbs, and younger, braver, artsier, better. YOU.GUYS. I am such kind of crazy that I get LONESOME for a me that never was. {smirk} And you thought YOU were nuts. Not even.
The thing of it is, I felt it today. I felt the feeling I imagined having. Today. I was leaving a lake-side park where we'd spent a few hours with my friend and her little darlings. It's breezy today, sunshiney, cool in the shade...my salon-lightened hair is too short for a pony, and my car is not a beater (PTL), I drove away down the interstate. All those details were different but that feeling...sigh. So right. Maybe what this is what 38 does? Helps me see. Tells me I am here. Stands up, arms waving, "Here I am!"
Thankful for my wonderful friend and this glorious day!!!
