eyes and ears and mouth and nose,

a certain kindergartener was limping again today.
boo.
he also has a rash on his face. (he had a rash at the back of his neck with the joint pain/swelling in september)
sunday evening he was at a birthday party & i am now wondering if the rash is from the cake (or some other peanut exposure at the bowling alley), whether the limping is related, and when we are going to know what is happening inside his sweet little head, shoulders, knees and toes.

shiney, happy mommy

it is 11:09.
a) i just started up the internetmobile for the day
b) i haven't yelled at my kids
c) i ate a peanut butter sandwich in the kitchen while suvi and theo were playing in their bedroom and judah was eating his snack.
d) i love peanut butter.
e) the fact that it is poison to my son is not freaking me out as much, and maybe makes it taste better since i have to be so mindful of when i eat it.
f) suvi made a construction paper Christmas tree. so presh.
g) when my kids pretend to be robots, they speak in monotone and end their statements with a high 'beep' and a low 'boop'
h) the 'beep boop' makes me chuckle every.single.time.
i) i just had to say no to theo.  he commenced whimpering and begging.  i explained to him that if i changed my answer to yes, he wouldn't know when to believe me.  he actually stopped begging.
j) now he is telling me to type "I like to sing. I like to BeatBox.  I like Thomas trains, I have one of my own.  I also have Brio trains; I have more of them myself."
k) Life is all about the trains for Theo.
l) And...now I just yelled at him.
m) it is 11:24.
n) Theo changed the subject: he's just like his dad and his gram.  i'm glad he manages and finds his way to cope.
o) Sigh.
p) 11:31. guess what? the SUN is still shining!  the kids are getting ready to go outside.
q) fresh air and sunshine are key.
r) i am at a really doable place in my walk with depression. i have enough perspective now, that when i start to get that sinking i-can't-do-this-feeling, i know that i will indeed muddle through and i have a precedent of doing-this, so i make myself hold on.
s) i just want to point out a couple of links: Jenny's Light i have over there on the right.  jenny and her son are victims of  some scary post partum psychosis, or severe ppd. her twin sister becky started Jenny's Light as a resource for women who need help. (hometown girls, these are the gibbs sisters we went school with)
also, another link to choosing beauty, liv shares her own story as well as provides links for reference and help.
t) depression is not a sign of weakness. if you are struggling, please take care of you.  get help.  you are LOVED and IMPORTANT and NEEDED and PRECIOUS.  you will be ok.  just reach out.
u) theo and suvi are taking a swimming class on mondays.  my cheeks hurt from smiling at the end of the half-hour. it is so much fun.
v) the hubinator does not know how to swim. i have a pretty mean doggie paddle.  we want to take lessons, too.
w) earlier this morning, i noticed a butterfly-like shadow on the curtain, so i pulled the curtain aside slowly.  sitting on the screen was a moth dressed as a butterfly. judah and suvi and i watched it til it flitted off.
x) i stayed with the top of my head against the window enjoying the warmth of the sun.
y) after a few prods, suvi picked out her clothes for the day: rainbow tights and a sweater dress.  perfect for playing outside. heh.
z) just knowing that other moms get a little twitchy and itch for a little, shall we say 'focus' time, makes me feel better about my own desire to do a solo stint somewhere. i just love hearing people stories, and mommy-people stories.  i like to FEEL it and BOND.

it's 11:52.

i just tried picmonkey for the first time.  very similar to picnik, but maybe easier, cleaner & faster!

enjoy your tuesday.  or else!

how do i look? refreshed? relaxed? romanced?

I am the proud owner of a sane mind.  My darling mother gave me some ging for Christmas, I promptly spent it. All of it.  It supplemented our January income, and purchased a ticket to Phoenix.  For four glorious days & nights I hogged a queen size bed, talked non-stop, played on an ipad, laughed, vented, cried, colored hair, tried some gluten-free bread (once), slept in every single day, stayed up late every single night, stared down 2 bonfires, took pictures of every cactus, enjoyed a movie, ate cake & ice cream, and more than one peanut butter sandwich a day.  Honestly?  I absolutely felt spoiled the entire time.  And, I only cried for missing my kids on the first day.  To top it all off?  Habtamu had a bouquet of red tulips for me in the car.  YOU ARE LOOKING AT ONE HAPPY CAMPER, RIGHT HERE.

 we drove out to superstition mountain(s?)

stocked up on nutritious food at fry's. like cake. and ice cream.  that i didn't share.

deanna built a fire. friday night and sunday night.

she has a drawer for coffee filters. just coffee filters. and she pretty much just has coffee for guests.

do know your direction?

the back garden at the home she rents.

cool water

we spent an hour or so at the park this morning.  we actually got out of the house by 10:30. i dropped a bill in the mail and then one at city hall--i like to have running water and garbage collection. it is a glorious day, and just couldn't go home after our short errands.  we went over to the park.  i love this park--there is sand in the small kids play area, and fun climbing and sliding in the bigger kids area.  we had it all to ourselves.  i know it is good for the kids to meet new little friends, but i am so much more relaxed if i don't have to worry about some strange little urchin pushing my precious darlings off the slide or coating all the hand-holds with the dreaded peanut butter.  i can hold the baby and not my breath.  so it is sunny, and a little breezy, they leaves are changing...this is my kind of monday.

pulling away from Oak Hill, i felt so refreshed.  i usually do feel good after spending some time outside, but this was almost tangible.  like a cool drink on a hot day.  the cobwebs have been dusted from my little head (really, it is on the large side, but compared to the whole of the world, i see it as my little head. {"head. pants. now." i do love mike myers.})  so time with friends refreshed my heart (as does a date night, like last night was), spending time out of the house with the kids playing together so sweetly refreshes my mind.  oh, and the huge relief of money coming in at just the right time eases my breath. what. a.day!!!

suvi has learned to love being behind the lens. (thanks A LOT deanna. ha!)

The sum of all parts is equal to...

I don't really think I am a sum it up kind of gal.  There is so much Work In Progress and Overflow that drawing lines around the year's events and eventuals doesn't quite happen.  I've been reading the posts about the end of this year, looking ahead to 2010...I like to get that synopsis of the lives that touch my life.  But I don't know how to do it for myself.
 At the clinic, when I bring the kids in for their wellness checks, describing my child in a few words is very hard.  It feels like school, and tests, and my brain rejects these concepts as a manner of measurement.  It was the same sort of philosophical difference that allowed me to walk away from several years of study at the University without a degree.  How does writing this paper truly prove or measure my understanding of these concepts, Scandinavian literature and culture?  It doesn't.  The paper only proves my skill in rewording a lot of books.  It just felt pointless.  (Oh, I was such a lovely angst ridden little party girl)  And an under-representation of myself.  Or at the clinic, the kids. 
  Clear cut and direct is how I prefer communication, although my personal lines are completely blurred and blended...
I'm just going to give it a shot anyhoo!

SOMETHING I LEARNED
I learned that I like control, and that I want to work on Forgiveness. 
SOMETHING THAT SURPRISED ME
I have been astonished at the generosity of others, and surprised by the people to whom I have become attached through the blogging world.  I just love learning about people.
SOMETHING THAT SCARED ME
The blog relationships scare me, because I doubt my conversation abilities and confidence for when I'll get to see some of those folks IRL.  And Peanuts scared the shit out of me.
SOMETHING THAT DELIGHTED ME
Seeing the changes in my children as they grow.  Sharing in my friends' celebrations!  Celebrating Habtamu's Naturalization was fantastic.  Achieving a new level of communication with my husband.  What?  You mean there is even more to love? Sweet!
SOMETHING TO KEEP WORKING ON

Acceptance.  Making time to read.  The Magnolia Ln Cookbook. Dave Ramseyfying our life :)

Mr Conductor (train) and a Fairy.

We'd been talking to the kids about Halloween this week, but I just wasn't feeling very inspired.  Since they went down for naps a little late yesterday, I figured we were just going to skip the whole trick or treating thing.   On top of that, we were planning to eat at our fave Wild Wings--the first out-to-eat in a month.  As we were getting the kids dressed, Theo mentioned going to the neighbor's house to say "Trick or Treat" and get candy.  He did not forget.  I didn't have a costume for him....I'd sort of been wondering about it all week, but nothing felt like an inspired costume.  There was an octupus idea from a magazine I saw at work, although it was just an idea; I'm not sure Theo knows what an octopus is.  Suvi's fairy wings were a dollar store purchase from a few weeks back.  We asked Theo if he wanted to dress like Mr Conductor from his Thomas stories.  He liked that idea.  Suvi had to be coaxed into her wings.  They loved the thought of going for a walk at night--we hit up three of our neighbors for goodies.  One gave M&M's, one Nerds, and the third Reese's PB cups.  I let them have the nerds, and we recycled the other treats.  Well, I hid one of the Reese's and will be enjoying it at work sometime this week.  I had Dots to offer, but I think Dad missed some kids while we were at the neighbor's door.  I put some of the Dots and the "bad" candy in a bucket on the step and it was all gone, of course, by the time we got home from Wild Wings.  Fully packed and satisfied from our chicken and chocolate cake.  Peanut free :)

There is a lot in my mind lately, with Dave Ramsey changing our life, and the clouds diminishing my sunshine, and feeling a little lackluster/under the weather.  I added up some blown cash from October and realized I basically ate my student loan payment.  Oops.  And it seemed to be going so well! Our new cash life.  Apparently there are still some improvements to be made in the behaviour change department.  Aside from that whoopsie, we are doing okay on our new path to living like no one else.  I didn't think we could make it on our income.  Guess what?  We can.  It is tight, but it feels so good to know that October started us on a journey to better communication and humility and gratefulness, and a new relationship with money.  We are teaching our money how to behave.  One month of not increasing our debt.  Now. To start hacking away!

Thank you again Mindi.  This class, FPU, is a bigger gift than I realized.  You really helped me to be honest with myself, and actually do something about it when you gave me the tuition to Financial Peace University.

  You rock, little Mama!

timing and help

It is rainy again today, and that just put me in the mood for muffins. I started pulling out my muffin baking options from the cupboards, but I need the step stool to really get a good view in there. It is jam packed and theoretically organized, nevertheless, I need a boost to look around in my stores. The stool was in the basement, so I ran down to get it, and decided to throw a load of the kids gear in the wash, folded the load in the dryer, and stacked it on the stool so I would remember the real reason I was in the basement.

As I reappeared from the depths, DANGER kicked me square in the chest. I saw a peanut, and Theo had his mouth full of the mix the peanut was in. His Auntie brought a little snack from Ethiopia, roasted seeds, grains, and peanuts. It is really yummy, and mostly I've eaten it, well I can say with one exception, PEANUT free. Theo was in the process of spitting out his mouthful as I rounded the corner asking, "There aren't peanuts in there are there?" This is all happening in about 2 seconds time, and I had already spotted a peanut in the bag, but I was in disbelief. Auntie KNOWS about the allergy, but she forgot. It happens, but I am positive she will never forget again. She looked miserably sorry, and apologized. Hopefully I was receptive, because adrenaline and shock were taking over my body. I rinsed his mouth best I could (he *is* 2 1/2) and gave him some Benadryl. I've been trying him to drink juice or water (coffee if he would drink anything, almost), because I feel like water is really a great cleanser and dilutes and keeps things moving on through. He isn't too fired up on drinking his agua, however.

Auntie was on her way out the door for the day, so I hope she is feeling okay. Someone stole her cell phone when she was using it on the street in Ethiopia (oh my word! right?) so she can't even get word that he is doing okay. Actually, she is on her way to get a new phone. I called my Mom to talk about the events, because I didn't want to upset Daddy at work, if it isn't serious. She offered to come over to watch Suvi girl in case Theo needs to see the doctor. At the moment she has them both out for a little walk around the block, so I can get ready for our trip to Costco.
Sigh.
Oh, Theo was using a straw Gram brought to drink ice water from a glass cup. It slipped out of his hand. Thankfully it broke on the carpet, so it didn't shatter too horribly. Wow. Yes, it has been quite a morning already! I am thankful Theo wasn't liking his snack, that I came up in time to know what he had in his mouth, that my Mom was available to help me, and for our awesome vacuum cleaner Habtamu gave me 2 Christmases ago (yes, it was what I wanted :). Sometimes, although it is frightening, I am thankful for such scares. Thankful because it reminds me just how precious these children are and why the annoying fights over Thomas trains are not as big as they feel at the moment. It just hit me that Suvi was a total perfect baby while all the drama was unfolding. I am feeling blessed and loved in this moment. Thank God!

I'll make the muffins another time.