Wishing and Hoping

You know, I can do all the wishin' and hopin' my little head is capable of, but sometimes it's --wait, MOST times, it is the moving and doing that gets me what needs getting.
Sigh.
It's New Year's Eve.  We are out of bread.  I am rather handy at baking bread these days, BUT...i don't WANT to. Pout, pout. I'm going to wake up tomorrow, and either we will have bread or we won't.  It is up.to.me.
It means change. It means stop moping because "things" are changing, and get with it.  DUDE! Do you want the bread?  Then get off of your money maker and get.the.bacon. Er, bread.
Yesterday I had lunch with some girlfriends.  It was so right and fun and encouraging.
   "You don't know everything.  Use all the tools that are available to you," said one fine friend.
Isn't she smart? SO SMART! My friends may not have known how much they were encouraging me; I was debating over taking one of the kids into the clinic, but that encouragement is flowing over to today as well.  I am going to bake my bread already.  And I called the (cue dramatic, scary music)...BANK.  I've been needing to do it for a month, but kept putting it off.
You are looking at an independent contractor (still in the salon where I have been employed for the last 10.5 years).  I needed to set up my bank account to accept plastic payment.  I will not be accepting rubber payment, so if you are broke, Girrrrl, reschedule. :) I have been hesitant/nervous/procrastinating switching over for several years and for many reasons...like, there was that 30 question test (which is not difficult) that I had to take. Twice. There is the purchasing of my own supplies.  There is the setting aside and paying of taxes.  There is the responsibility for my own success.  It is happening, Baby! I AM in charge of my business.
What a great friend and mentor my former boss and current Salon Owner has turned out to be.  He had to really push me quite definitely and firmly to make this change.  He has been gently nudging me for, seriously you guys, three years.  He and his bride are just good peeps. I feel very fortunate to have been able to grow up and through this decade at Mark of Excellence.
The folks around me are my tools, and collectively, they know so very much about living.  I will forever be a wisher and hope-er. A hesitant doer.  Ima jus do eet.
Happy New Year!
Here's hopin y'all are doin fine and baking your proverbial bread!  WiHOOOO!
2014 in da HA-OUSE!
Feel free to say a little prayer for me!

fruesday

they say tuesday is the most productive day of the week.  i was feeling all fired up and organized this morning, patting myself on the back for my pep. then, then...dun dun dunnnn... i opened a whole other can of worms: my pocketbook.
if you are ever wondering about how i am doing, like, all fronts down, really truly doing, take a gander in my purse or my car.  if you see a tornado, you'll know things are pretty much a stressfest between the ears.
sigh.
suvi and judah have been coughing for at least 3 weeks now. it seems to be getting better, then they get another wave. someone has been up in the night nearly every night. i am exhausted. and when i am tired, i start to fret about everything. i would like to be on a 70º beach, with some shades (my sunnies are lost), a liter of water, and time to soak it in. oh, and an organized bag stocked with cash-to-the-o-l-a.
for lunch i would like a burito-the kind i had with melanie in santa barbara.
after perusing some artsy, crafty, cool shops, i will take a book into that hammock hanging in the sun. i will meet my family for an early supper, where everyone eats a heaping pile of veggies happily, followed by a walk on the beach, finding treasures. once the kids are effotlessly in bed, the hubs and i will watch a movie in the beach-facing living-room.
and did i say there will be no whining? not even from the kids?

now that i had my little break with reality, i hope i can get back into that productivity high.
i *am* thankful for this sunshiney day.

PEACE.

monday movement

breathe in two, three, four,
hold, two, three, four,
release to............eight.

under my skin
under the muscle
a burning hot fabric wraps around my lungs
pulling tighter, stinging heat
winding up my throat

breathe, two, three, four

pull that air down past the lungs to my belly
cool the grip
loosen the hold

close my eyes
the heat moves off my lungs
      to my shoulders, my tears

breathing two, three, four

and it's gone.
.........

i've been having some disruptive thoughts this morning.
the night was full of dreams. not bad dreams, just disruptive.
i have been longing for times gone by, aching for earlier couches
    and simpler pains.
my thoughts started to weigh heavy on my chest, and i was searching,
searching my brain to find the source of this angst.
then it hit me.
someone i love moved across the country last week.  i didn't have much time to prepare, or even to say more than 'good luck & good-bye!' i've needed to grieve or absorb this change, needed to talk about it, but haven't been able to find a conversation.
the connection to those disruptive thoughts, perhaps, is that the loss is similar. my loved one who moved will always be part of my life, but i will surely miss being in the same room with her. the obsessive thoughts that tried to spur an anxiety attack this morning, are tied to a person from my past from whom i moved away. we never had an official 'good-bye'.
things change, people change, responsibilities change, expectations change.
addresses change.
(last names change, too, thankfully!)

Before I forget...

Yesterday, I heard a man say, "you accept as much love as you believe you deserve."  It makes so very much sense to me. So when I am feeling blue, or dark and down on myself, it doesn't matter how much love is being sent my way. My receptors are blocked. Like battery connectors? Just pour a little coca cola on 'em to clean 'em up?

When sorting through piles of randomness in my kitchen, I found many lovely cards from my beautiful friends. Lib, Jan, Ann, Nancy, Dee...thank you.  Your notes and sentiments brightened my day when they arrived, and again yesterday when my receptors were cleaned.

LOVE.

EVERYday.

"I miss Nikita."
"I was missing them tonight, too."
"I miss them EVERYday."
Me, too, Presh.

it's funny how we can have such affection for ----wait. not funny at all. wonderful.  it's wonderful how we can have such affection for our people. our friend people.

...

i was thinking again tonight of our trip to michigan and not about how very stressed out i was, but about how i was still so happy to be there.  and it takes me some time, because my friends are gentle while i am fragile, but i have been hearing some of the things they were telling me then, understanding them now.

that first night, i told nancy and deanna that being with them feels like coming home.  maybe i've been in my head a lot lately.  my heart has been beating strong against the 'not good enoughs' in my mind.  relationships have been sticky for me this summer.  probably from the heat.  i love my friends no matter what and especially because they can love me. me.
...

Reset

On my way home from work tonight I was getting worked up, feeling alone and stressed, thinking really dark: I had a serious badditude.  I felt my lower lip starting to power down, shoulders slumping. By the time I made it to my chair in the living room, I was a regular sad sack. Of course my sweet husband noticed I had my frowny face on, of course he tended to me. Of course he turned my frown upside down.  Thank you, sugar booger, for the RESET!

And then, and then, with my back to the news, I heard something wonderful: Allegiant Air will be flying to St Cloud. Sa-WEET!

Enjoy your Friday. Hope you find your reset if you need it.

Peace and Joy!

warming up my editor

this is from mem-day out in park point (duluth)

suvi likes to dig in my Christmas decorations.  this heart is a hand-me-down from mari.  i can't remember now if it was suvi or her daddio who put the loop on dad's toe.  that is judah's hand.

theo likes angry birds.

this is a little comparison for you.  i was really playing with the editing.  

i just noticed he only had one shoe on.  poor kid!

and somehow this beach picture hopped in this batch.  where is carol, is my question.  maybe holding b-bel...

bear hugs

tonight i got a jaw-dropping text message.  it was a picture of a bear my sister gave to my dear sweet friend. about 25 years ago.

that sweet fluffy goldenness is her 'doodle, roscoe.

i've had my bear out for a year or two, in hopes my kids would fall in love with it.  they really don't seem to care about this teddy bear my sis shirley made.  she was selling them back in the day.  they are such nice bears, i told her not too long ago she should start an etsy shop and make them again.  but she doesn't listen to me because i am not the boss of her.  apparently.

a couple of weeks ago my darling smart and generous nephew kev climbed up on our roof to fix up a few shingles.  pretty sure the six he put up are better than the whole rest of the roof!  he was a perfectionist from day one.  he was like, oh, you have chickenpox when you are 9? well, i am 6 weeks old.  i'm going to get chicken pox, too.  and then when he went to kindergarten, or maybe first grade, he came home to tell his mom, mari, that he needed to get some new clothes.  why? well, because his teacher told him he was the best dressed kid in the class. he'd worn all of his new clothes once already.  and his room...it was so neat and orderly even when he was a teenager.  i always wanted to go in there and mess it up a little.  anyhoo, thanks kevi.  sorry the porkchops got a little dry.

and these two beauties? yes, i love them so so so so so much.  the one on the right is the owner of the blue bear up top. and my friend through thick and thin for 27 years.  hey, jr, the anniversary of my move next door to you (not counting lenny's, since we just ran across his driveway) is this month. i'll never forget that walk up your loooooong driveway (we moved from NE minneapolis out to the burbs) and how i loved  letting myself in through the garage all those years.  you are 'home' to me, my dear!

suvi was tha-rilled last week: we got to watch my niece's two girls. this little blondie here is about 6 weeks older than judah, and her baby sister turns one this month.  it was soooo fun to have them over!

taking advantage of a warm summer evening to enjoy our olympic pool.  olympic because it is the size of the yellow ring in that olympics symbol.

judey and dad.

and tonight after his haircut.

i am up

i cried many days in a row.

and i worried and fretted.

i let myself be injured and totally vulnerable and painfully honest in my emotion.

it is so scary to let every pain be exposed, fears announced, questions be asked.

yet, it was perfect.  uncomfortable.  and exactly what i needed.

it is so hard to keep all the balls in the air.  i am not a super duper juggler. but when you are with your no-matter-what friends, it can happen.  i can drop all the balls.  i might worry them or annoy them or make them just look the other way, but they love me.  and they tell me, 'this too shall pass.'  and that i don't suck.

i had a fabulous day at work on saturday.  it was directly related to a wonderful 5 days in the copper country, especially in boston location.  i enjoyed my clients more and was just reLAXED. it was great.

my friends are MY BEST.

I love you, Deanna and Nancy.  Thanks for loving me in my weirdness.  MUAH!

judah was already in the car...he likes to go for rides

the neighbor boy took this photo.  he might be 7. his name is calvin. 

...

it was a hot day at home today.  we filled up our little pool with water.  you may remember, my kids like to be au naturale.

suvi splashing theo

theo formulating a plan

later he came to me and said if he had a piece of glass or something like that he could fry something with the sunshine.  our plan is to burn a blade of grass on the driveway tomorrow.  this kid!

Pretzel sticks and diet dew

Late night whispering of life's events, early morning bathroom haircut, Walmart runs, beach, sun, endless conversation.

Oh! What a week.

Peaceful hearts for you my friends!

That.s hot.

 

i'm thinking of something glowy...warm...necessary. 

fortunately/unfortunately

i loaded up the cart with helpful
healthful
protein bars and shakes and frozen enchilada suiza
i ate my ice cream in the dark car before i got home

i feel like the impoverished
version
of something

oh how they love me
oh how they hurt to hear me say
i can't or won't
that i can't stop
and i can't like
MY FATNESS
sucks

something beautiful, something lovely,
something good!
i want to keep my mind, my heart, my feet 
on that pathway

the ugly radio mocks gayle's best friend
"walk away from the mashed potatoes, {rhymes-with-soapra]"
i've heard lorene say it before
fat is evil and ugly and those who wear it are
ugly and lazy.

WHY WOULD I LISTEN TO THAT?

i am thinking of something beautiful:
my baby is a big smoocher and says "muah!"
i am thinking of something lovely:
my daughter is a theatrical, expressive story teller.
i am thinking of something good:
our big boy is learning to spell!

how could those delightful, darling children
be such delights?
they are growing and absorbing and basking in
l.o.v.e.

if i see joy in them, if they are my mirrors
there is joy in me.

i am scaring myself with this excess weight
what if we had to pay a dollar per pound we go over the limit
like at the airport?
money is a big motivator for me.
maybe i can pay myself for every pound i remove from my
baggage



something beautiful, something lovely,
something good!
.............................


okay. i thought of something positive to focus on: since my teeth cleaning a month ago, i have kept up my flossing.  woohoo!
today i played outside with the kids for an hour.  wihoo!
i texted a friend today and called another.  yeeeeehaw!
theo and suvi played kitty and puppy for a couple of hours this afternoon.
they make me laugh!
so does my husband.
the young guy at the store tonight bagged my groceries thoughtfully and pretty much exactly the way i like (he totally deserves a raise!)
phew.
i feel better.  i'm still fat, but at least i ain't so sad.
love to all y'all!  don't beat yourself up, find the beautiful, lovely, & the good.  it is so easy to do!
PEACE.

something to share

Yesterday a dear, dear, darling, smart, beautiful friend shared some good news with me.  With her story, she reminded me that God does indeed have a hand in our lives.  I'll let her share her story if she chooses, but she emailed me a couple links so I could better understand what is happening in her world.  Because I am a clicker and blog hopper, I came upon this wonderful letter.  I hope you take time to click over and read.  Remember with me that life's challenges are never truly unbearable for the faithful.

I love you my dear friend!  This is the first time I am happy that you live where you live and not next door to me. And...congratulations on your new job, too!

...

PLUS, the sun she is a-shining today.  While yesterday I was a bit introverted, today I would love to have someone over to share this coffee and these cinnamon rolls.
Be good to each other, be kind to YOU!

check yes or no

i choose YES!  i choose love, i choose you.

i made some balentimes on the piknic.  i don't even care if you need to swipe them from me.  i mailed them to some friends, but they didn't find the post office until this morning.  so, happy valentine's WEEK.

i love red and pink and purple and so valentine's cards are like a huge festival of goodness and wonderful colors for me.  hearts ROCK!

well, here's love in your eye!

masks, quirks, ticks.

first, i am keeping up with my month of letters.  have any of you been mailing sweetness, too?
...
so, what does it mean?  i had a dream about alec baldwin.  he was sassy.
...
you know that feeling you get when you put on a halloween mask?  it makes you giggle, and you try to become this creature to bring to life the mask.  you might even disguise your body, to keep your anonymity.  but then, you get sweaty and the mask starts to smell a little weird, and once someone has pinned you with your real name, you feel the cool relief of removing the false front.  your cheeks are probably flushed, your hair a bit matted, your neck hot, but you feel so good.  spending four days with deanna was just like that.  i was completely free to be myself, nutser or not.

a good friend just takes the quirks and ticks in stride.  a good friend is more 'whole picture' than 'this moment'.  'this moment' is good, too, and a dear friend can swing a 'this moment' kind of conversation, tear, or inappropriate outburst because they are actually 'big picture' elements.  there is such true-ness in confiding in your girlfriend who has heard and seen your a to z's, in telling her the thoughts your dare not breathe life into in front of anyone else.  she'll even get all dressed up and take you to the dive burrito place you've been craving and then change into yoga pants and build a fire so the two of you can get to the business of serious laughter under the light of the moon.

SO RIGHT!  SO GOOD!  SO NEEDED!

So, when is the next girlfriend get-away?!!!

how do i look? refreshed? relaxed? romanced?

I am the proud owner of a sane mind.  My darling mother gave me some ging for Christmas, I promptly spent it. All of it.  It supplemented our January income, and purchased a ticket to Phoenix.  For four glorious days & nights I hogged a queen size bed, talked non-stop, played on an ipad, laughed, vented, cried, colored hair, tried some gluten-free bread (once), slept in every single day, stayed up late every single night, stared down 2 bonfires, took pictures of every cactus, enjoyed a movie, ate cake & ice cream, and more than one peanut butter sandwich a day.  Honestly?  I absolutely felt spoiled the entire time.  And, I only cried for missing my kids on the first day.  To top it all off?  Habtamu had a bouquet of red tulips for me in the car.  YOU ARE LOOKING AT ONE HAPPY CAMPER, RIGHT HERE.

 we drove out to superstition mountain(s?)

stocked up on nutritious food at fry's. like cake. and ice cream.  that i didn't share.

deanna built a fire. friday night and sunday night.

she has a drawer for coffee filters. just coffee filters. and she pretty much just has coffee for guests.

do know your direction?

the back garden at the home she rents.

things i didn't know.

um, kids? (by kids i mean you there, with your coffee and your bagel/muffin/banana, not my children)  i did not know just how long it takes a turkey to thaw.  dang.  i made one other turkey in my wife life, and it must not have been frozen.  so lets us hope this bird is ready to go by supper time on saturday.

if you want to make the mil happy, take.her.picture.  not kidding.  she is just giddy that we had a little time to take her photo today.  i did her hair, she lined her eyes (her lashes are pretty much gone, no one tells me why.  do they know? those kids of hers?), put on her new duds, and posed in the dining room.  it took her so long to get ready... well. actually, to START getting ready, that my favorite sunlight time in the dining room had passed, but it was still the best lizight in the hizouse. hollah!

airbrushing is fun.

i don't know why we americanos like to cheez it up in photos, but it is not the norm in e-hope-ia (as theo says it), the photographed tend to have a straight face.  this just would not do for the mil portrait, so i called in the heavy hitters.  'THEO! SUVI! COME MAKE AYAT LAUGH!!'  and so they did.  good kids.

my mil really closes her eyes when she laughs.  who knew?!

tickle, tickle!

suvi LOVES to take photos...she is using my phone here, since her pos camera she got for Christmas last year is broken ;)  i just love her concentration!!

good things

something good.  really, really good is happening over here.  i.am.so.happy.

i am not sure what it is about having my mother-in-law here, and h's sister, A...i love the feeling in the house.  and we have seen sister M so much more than usual in this last week.  M and I have become such good friends in the last couple of years.  i so enjoy her straight forward perspective on things, and i LOVE to make her laugh.  {joni, so many things about her remind me of you, and often i wish you lived near me (for many reasons), i think you would have fun with M, too.  she's your kind of people.  ( i miss you.  and when we talked on saturday, i was thinking it was sunday, so i hope you know i meant 'on monday' and not 'tomorrow' which was sunday. lol)} 
tomorrow is ethiopian new year, so with english phonetic spelling, i wish you melkam addis amet!

 መልካም   አዲስ ዓመት

we went to the girls' apartment for supper tonight.  my mom was invited, too.  it makes my heart beat joyfully that she is getting to know h's family.  it's like the weave of my life basket sturdying up.  like fingers lacing together.  and things are not perfect. 

we all had/have some adjusting to do around the VIP.  she's in need of a little bolstering, so i'm pretty much going to have to get 50-75% stricter with her. (wink)  you know, i love a little bump to get over and then to ponder on the construction of the bump, and why it was placed in this particular section of road, and then to plan how i will approach any sort of similar bump, should they appear on the path before me. 

A is just unbelievably sweet to her mom.  in the evenings she sits right next to her on the couch.  i like it.  she makes me smile every night.  and. during the day? oh my.  she does what ever she can to help her mom, too much, probably, while helping me with the kids, or just enjoying playing with them, as well as keeping the sink clear of any dirty dishes, which totally inspires me to stay on top of it.  no clutter, my friends, has collected this week.  my dining room buffet thing?  no piles.  laundry? done and done.  (oh my word. A's jeans are so tiny. 26. what is that? size one? and her shirts are XS.  i used kid hangers to hang them up!)  yesterday their relatives came over, h said A cleaned all day while i was at my niece's bridal shower (forgot my camera) and then at work.  kids toys, blankies, sweeping, straightening...busy, busy girl.

 

i'm no pollyanna. there are totally moments when i'm like, really? are you kidding me with this? they don't last long. family does, tho. last long, i mean. it's a good thing. super good.

i was wishing for a photo to post, alas, nothing new to share.  i thought i'd post from this month 2010.  look at these two cutie mccutersons.

and here they are again 11 months later.  at the same lake, different shores.

and because when i came upon it i laughed, this one is for you, bette-bette-better. xo!

stone arch bridge and a caribou crossing

downtown

that'd be the mighty mississip'

my sils are so beautiful

                     I would like these fluffy, feathery plants in front of my house next year.

purple flowers are da bomb

my sugar boogar and me

those apartments are in NE mpls

we bumped into a group of my pals...a send off as a Northern Bird migrated

(hope you are enjoying it up there, my yooper friend!)

but the afternoon before that, at a caribou in the dreaded maple grove,

a beautiful thing appeared...

a little surprise visit