My sink is a disaster.

We have had a bathroom project going on for a few days over a week. Part of that involves redoing the flooring, a great deal of learning through experience (making mistakes), supporting Home Depot, and a dusty messy house. I don't understand why the debris of a project tends to make everyday mess expand to three times it's usual amount. Or why the broom is broken.

I started to pick-up the living room so that I can vacuum. Somehow that prompted me to empty and sort the front closet. Now I have a spot for the vacuum, once there is enough crap put away in that living room. But now I have all these shoes to put away (the closet will no longer be housing them) on the back room rack. The back room/dining room is a total mess with kid papers, project tools, wardrobe changes, and dirt. So if I can use the broom to sweep the floor and pull out all the extra stuff from under the table, I can easily set the former front closet shoes on the back room rack. The broom is broken!

I searched for my hot glue gun for 5 minutes, plugged it in at the kitchen sink, which is the host to every single dish and 74% of the silverware we own. There is plenty to do, and it was overwhelming me to such a great extent, I took my iPad to our "library" for peace and quiet and a bit of a vent.

I've concocted a plan...put the baby to bed, put the 5 year old on the iPad, fix the broom, and set the timer for ten minutes to clean up the dining room. It will work....the timer always works! I will leave the sink for last ;)

I call dibs!

Hair Peace.

That has got to be the name of my someday salon.  At the door shall be a sign which reads WELCOME. Then, somewhere-maybe near the coat racks, a sign that reads We are happy you are here today. Thank you for turning down your phone and your politics. 

What do you think? Too pushy?

Alright. So maybe there was a little, shall we say, incident today. I'm working on letting it go and humbling my mouthy self. So thankful there is Grace sufficient for the likes of me.

Good-night, my friends!
Peace.

(come on, tho. Hair Peace. It's FUNNY.  {{wink}} )

Pretzel sticks and diet dew

Late night whispering of life's events, early morning bathroom haircut, Walmart runs, beach, sun, endless conversation.

Oh! What a week.

Peaceful hearts for you my friends!

i'm in my head

i don't know.
aren't there times when you just need to talk? to set free some of the crazies and funnies and questions and observations?  it doesn't always happen at the appropriate times...i had a client tonight, and i wished she could just set back and listen to me.  but you know what, you guys?  she totally is paying me to do her hair & not necessarily to be my sounding board.  or maybe we could have jumped into some wonderful conversations, but there is this line that should not be crossed in the effort of being professional.

oh man.  and you know what else?  i'm sort of in the mood to toot my own horn.  i think that i am actually super stressed out and being a little mean in my self talk and i have a plan to start easing the stress, but it takes time to actualize.  and i have that sort of constipation of action or paralysis when something big is about to happen.  like i said the other day, i am 'right there' but can't quite reach.  anyway, i think i'm wanting to speak about my strengths because i am feeling like a crappity mcbadderson, seeking a little respite from my inner brat.

oh my goodness.  what if someone was searching and searching for a unique name for their baby and they picked crappity.  shoot.  poor kid!  aaaaanyhoo...

if you are local, come and get your hair done on saturday.  i have plenty of openings.  also, i am running a special: during the week of july 4th, all services are doubled.  no, you don't get more, i just charge double.  listen, i told you about that plan of action.  i need some green up in here yo. daaaaang.

and stuff, so.
did you go away for the holiday? we stayed in and enjoyed our a/c.
i might go up and enjoy my pillow and the a/c at the same time.  serious multi-tasker in da house!

incase i haven't said it enough lately,
PEACE and LOVE to you, and you, and you!!!

Sometimes it stings.

Let's make a deal, alright?
I won't try fix you, and you, well, you don't try fix me either.
'cause, you is good, you is important, you is special.
And I Am Too, dangnabit.

Can't we just get some Barney the purple dinosaur up in here?
For crying out loud!

You know what? Sometimes I really want to believe that I am a pile of crappitty crapping crapper, but the truth is, I'm not. I am just somebody's daughter, sister, auntie, friend, wife, hairdresser, mother, and Facebook friend. You are perhaps many or none or all of those persons as well, and I don't think you are any kind of villain. Wait. You're not, are you? Because if you are, well, the super heroes around this house are totally going to capture you and put you in the custody of the proper authorities. Assuming you are not a criminal, we can continue here. (I'll just pause a moment so that any bad guys can find the way to the nearest exits.)
Ahem. So, as I was saying, I actually do have feelings. I care about the people in my life. I am doing my darnedest to simply take you for your word, accept you as your own sort of person, with your own thoughts and roles and hopes and dreams and fears and history and presence. Am I perfect?
Oh my word. No! I don't expect you to be, for goodness sake. Just please, be honest with me AND be kind. I am not here to judge you, but truth be told, I will probably notice your hair. But I will choose KINDNESS if you should mention your hair.
Hey. Let's CHOOSE kindness if we should mention ME and/or you.
"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family with a great big..."
Have a good Monday, good guys!
(bad guys, you can go blow it out your old wazoo.)


{{sometimes it just takes a super awesome listener and encourager of a husband, a sister who can break it down and cheer me up. and, a sense of humor and perspective and a hug from Mom.}}
that can take the sting right away.
aaaalllllllll better. :)

i'm in the mood for...

you know how sometimes you are craving chocolate chip cookies? and you eat an apple? then some graham crackers? and you find yourself still digging through the kitchen looking for something that will make your craving go away?

that is what the internet is for me.  i start with reading my favorite blogs, then i check email-both accounts, facebook, maybe a little pinterest, maybe a little twitter, back to the blogs, a stop on the googles for some information, a few clicks into the gossip, one more check on facebook, fantasy shopping on etsy... all of that web navigating between kid calls.  you know, feeding, watering, pottying, refereeing, the usual stuff.  i feel constantly interrupted (because i totally am interrupted--"WHAT!?" all. the. time.) no matter what i am doing: changing a poopy pants, the girl wants some help getting her princess on; folding clothes sizes 2T to 2X, the boy wants some water (i have been known to say that we are all out. "of water, mom?" yes.); getting grapes for the princess, the baby is wearing his yogurt.  so i keep jumping on the computer to "catch up" and soak up some 'me time'.  what is that, tho? me time?

i feel like i am never enough, never do enough, never know enough, laugh enough, play enough, clean enough.  so what?  who isn't busy? don't have kids? not married? not busy?  yes you are.  i am busy with mommyness, so this is my frame of reference, but i think it was true for me before i was living the dream.  i keep trying to eat the internet cracker instead of feeding my brain with the oatmeal chocolate chip cookie me time i crave.

what do i need to thrive?  i need to create.  i need one on one adult conversation.  i need to get out of the house.  i need to read.  i need to write.  i need music.  i want to watch a movie now and again.  i need a date with my husband more often than twice a year.  i need to set aside time for the budget and resolving my bank account.

what about you?  what makes you thrive?

OH! and beauty.  i need time for beauty.  by this i mean enjoying art, or lovely sentiment of others, getting my hair done.

enjoy the weekend! PEACE.

kuningatar

• when i stayed in finland for a few months, i read one book a few times to a couple of boys, aged 3 and 6.  the six year old really helped me with my finnish language. kuningatar was the fifth word in that book, and it is locked in my brain.  i should have swiped that book!
• i love the post office.  today i mailed four cards and two packages.  when i was in alnwick, i wrote letters home every day.  the post office was in the back of a shop.  i remember two postit in finland...i was always a bit nervous, in case i said something wrong.  i like to blend in, and was ever so pleased when people thought i was local.  sigh.
• i got some good ugly tennies today. 
• twice today the universe sent me a message to change my badditude into a positude.  the first message came to me when i was in the post office parking lot talking to deanna, the second message when i was reading liv's blog. (sounds like 'leave')
• twice today i got to drive to watertown.  it is a lovely drive.  and there were so many sights i was noticing for the first time due to the sunshine and general daylight along the way. (yay!) 
• kitty korner to my heart, there is a hot stone blocking my butterflies.  i need some flow and some release!

sunshine and rainbows...

mmmkay. cranky. better go to bed now.  

pizza blocks

source

 i took some time in finding this image of abc blocks.  so much time, in fact, i don't remember how they were going to be the 'building blocks' for this post!

oh yes.  here it is: i have writers block.

i have a few posts that are way s.t.u.c.k. in the back of my head.  it is as if i can feel them back there holding on to my brain stem, so as not to be brought to the top of my head and  then onto the screen.  i want to write about good and bad.  i want to write about filters.  i want to write about friendship.  i want to write about my children and motherhood, and how all of these things are linked together.  i want to wonder about weak adrenals, and why depression is so scary, and that people run from it.  scary, big, wonderful heady thoughts.  they are all linked up together--like calcification, clogging the arteries of my thinkering.

you know what?  i have been eating some bad high-fat foods.  seriously!  that is it!  my synapses are crispy instead of flexible.  shoot.  stupid pizza.

hey pizza!  you are making my blog boring and my thoughts dull.  get out of my life!  and quit planting your dirty little devilish thoughts as base as homer simpson: mmm.  food.  now that i've found you, ratted you out, confronted you, you can bet i am going to do what i can to get your pizza ass out of my brain, you got that, pizza?  you messed with the wrong nutbag this time, you cheesey, saucey, crusty, piping hot, comes right to my door, cardboard box hiding brain cruncher!  i want my head back.

own your story

once upon a time, in an old and creaking house lived a limping, lumbering, mysterious creature.  the creature's feet hurt from carrying the weight of five 25 pound sacks of flour under her skin.  she lumbered across the cold wood, her joints echoing the creaks of the floor beneath her painful feet. 

sometimes, the mysterious creature opened the flimsy windows of the shadowy house; those times the wind blew the curtains back, blew the cobwebs off the walls, and blew a bit of golden sun across the chilly rooms.  the wind invited the beast outdoors, and there, one autumn afternoon, the shadows fell away from the creatures brow.  she chased the little urchins back and forth the length of the lot of land (the little urchins that squeaked and squawked and whose noses oozed a clear, slippery substance, demanding to be fed and watered at all hours of the day and night, the little urchins who stole the sleep from under the creature's head, who put sand in her eyes, then leaped and bounced and bounded across the creature's stack of yellow pillows).  as she chased, the pain dropped of first the right foot, and then, eased off of the left foot.  her limp was lopped off with the giggles and squeals of the littlest of the urchins.  the chubbiest and screechiest and softest and smoochiest of the urchins swallowed the mystery of the creature.  that urchin's feast revealed a whole lot of mother, grinning ear.to.ear.

and she forgot about being so irritated at the smallest things un-urchins do or don't do. 

so my story is, i have some emotion wrapped up in food that is as of yet, not clear to me.  i am eating for comfort right up the scale and out of my comfort and into a scary world of hugeness that doesn't suit me in the slightest.  and so, i'm cranky.  and it's exhausting to beat myself up all the time.  yes, i let other little irritations become more powerful than i ought.  all.for.naught.   what i'm trying to say is, being outside is good for me, getting crabby with someone who is operating on a different field is pointless, i don't want to get mad about food, as food is sustenance, not love.  this nice crap takes practice.  oh yeah, i am living in the practice of bitchiness love.

aaaanyhoo, have a good weekend.  i'm off to work.  driving in the sunshine, thankyouverymuch.  and, for what it's worth, if i buy spinach and chickpea patty things with you in mind, just eat the dang thing.  don't eat everything else on your plate, i mean EVERY grain of rice, leaving this special thing i found just for you untouched.  even though i know it doesn't mean you are being mean, i am kind of nutser than you'd first think, and it's going to BUG me.  okay then.

peace, joy, and LOVE!!!!

cleaning house.

i moved my mamalliteration posts to this blog.  i just can't live in two places.  it's difficult enough to keep track of my shoes in one house, let alone trying to remember what goes where, when ;)
there hasn't been much interest in my posts over there, so...i cleaned that pad out.

last wednesday i spent an hour and a half in our upstairs (which is our guest room/toy disaster area) sorting through a humongous basket of legos.  i sorted the big bricks into a huge bin, and the other two types of bricks into two smaller bins.

when i got home from work today, aching feet (i dropped my end of a dresser on the top of my feet several months ago, sometimes that spot still hurts), hungry, animated kids, full bladder, to see the huge bin of bricks in the living room, with other toys mixed in.  i 'bout walked right out the front door.  i was *this* close, but my feet were really hurting!  i have a wonderful husband.  yes, i do!  but it seems to me, he doesn't see my organization attol (at all). even though i am very cluttery, i do understand the effort and the enjoyment of giving all our things a space of their own.  did i mention i was sweating like a head to toe sauna-type sweat on wednesday afternoon when i was (ahem, nearly in my birthday suit, *on* my birthday) upstairs with no fan trying to make way for a guest? i did?  yeah.  i did a good job sorting and sweating.  i wanted it to stay that way, but children insist on playing with their toys.

[...edit/remove 7/28]

on the upside, i got myself a lovely little purple and white check apron for $.79 at the thrifty today.  WOOT!  i'm wearing it now...

i find it humorous that i didn't noticed the kids' rocker tipped forward until i saw this photo!

i have a similar pink and white check apron from the same thrift a couple years back.  makes me wonder if the same gal donated them.

what's the point?  just like any good habit, you have to keep practicing over and over. 

I will keep practicing poetry, making room for it here.  I will keep sorting, til we as a family get the hang of it, and it becomes second nature to put the books in the drawer, not the lego bin.  teehee!

snowtime like the present.

wondertwin powers, activate!

squishy baby, squishy bear

I know it is still March. Yes, I get that this is snow country.  But I can't help feeling CHEATED and RIPPED-OFF with this storm.  And of course I had to stop and get a few groceries and gas AFTER work last night.  When I opened the trunk to put my bags in, a huge pile of that weird icy/hailish snow slid into the trunk.  I tried to scoop some out, but my mittens are now in the front closet.  Because I was, I was totally embracing what the calendar told me, Spring is here.  'Cept that's in name only. Shooooot.  And the milk, I forgot to buy milk.   Boo Hoo.  Pooooooor Chenny (that's me, with an accent.).  She lives in Minnesota and it snowed AGAIN.  The baby is down for his nap and I could totally be out there shoveling. Could.  But I might have a hangnail, and it'd be a shame to get injured and not be able to go in to work tomorrow.  I'm gonna play it safe and save the shoveling for the Hubbinator.  He is, as far as I know, hang-nail free.

thrice

i'm giving it up.
i'm giving up on my fifteen minutes.
oh no,
there isn't an offer, but
i am preemptively passing.

i've been hearing and participating in some
blossip recently
it won't leave my head.
(and you know if it is in my head,
it might fall and land in my heart.)
i'm sorry to those of you i've blossiped about
i'm sorry if i wrote a blog post about you,
i'm sorry my openness makes you uncomfortable.

i wonder,
why are you here,
then?
strange, isn't it,
to pass along what you've heard,
recount that which you've read,
editorialize
on my
(yes, it *is* mine)
life
which includes great happiness and
plenty of struggle.

i've born a babe
thrice.
i've invited you in
thrice.
i've experienced major clinical depression,
and lived to tell about it,
thrice.
thrice you've judged.

yes, you are entitled to your opinion.

and you, you there, are so kind to use such
sweet words
thrice.       you, complimentor,
are super encouraged
(while encouraging)
to voice your (completely and totally gifted and astute) observations
as much as you please.

but i've noticed,
the mentions to me of mentions of me
are there in my brain.
not causing pain,
but there.  so
you can keep it
you can keep it
you can keep your 15 minutes.
i couldn't handle the mentions of my mentions.

even at a whisper.

It's always a bit of a surprise.

I've known for quite some time that many people don't, can't, won't say what they mean or want or feel.  They feel no need, or maybe feel they aren't sure where to start to use words.  Maybe they, these non-confessing, non-confronting folk, wish/assume you already get it.  Am I getting close, non-commentors? Whatever the reason, I have plenty o' folk in my world who aren't as fluent, shall we say, as I am.  This sounds a little judgey, but, um, don't you think your way is best, too? heh.  It frustrates the non-verbals that I am so "talky", but it helps me sort things out.  The only thing I want stuffed is a sausage.  I HAVE to talk out what I am feeling.  I am an emotive reactor.  So sue me.  Or just be mad about it and NEVER tell me.  That will improve the climate of our exchanges.

Hmm.  This is coming off so negative...

The surprising part for me is the decoy statement.  Things people say that they don't mean.  See, I get that some of you are going to have some emotions that I can't sit on you and make you share with me, but it just knocks me on my badonk when I discover a sike.  Okay, fine.  There are times I've played along when I hear, "let's do coffee!", but usually, I say, "I am not a planner.  So YOU call me."  I'll totally go if you do the leg work.  You know what I'm talking about, the "Thanks. I like yours, too!"s and the, "Wow, your hair is different. I mean, it looks great!"s and the, "I hope you fail at your endeavor, because you are rotten"s.  Yeah.  Those bombs.  They devastate me when I hear them.  I just can't fathom saying things that I really am not feeling.  Is it safe to assume you mean it?  Do you really think so little of me?  And if the perp is part of the inner circle, ughh.  Words are so important to me that hurtful words are weightier than they ought to be.  It is a bit of a surprise, the sudden moment of seeing the other's hurt.

The last couple of weeks I've had some challenges, and some visits of clear thinking.  Great understanding of my environs and of my piece in the puzzle.  It shocks me when I stumble upon a misunderstanding, or a gap in the connection.  Really? I gasp, you didn't know this was happening?  I was trusting the line was free of static, and I thought I was sharing my perspective diligently.  Suddenly my own communication and expectation tendencies were slapping me in the face.  It is a good reminder for me that simply saying my piece does not mean I am getting my message across.  The other end of the line might be distracted by activity or tired or on overload. Or down.  The other end of the line might simply be down.

So  I must keep at it.  Saying my piece and checking the line and listening.  Discovering I haven't been heard when I simply cannot shut up, well, it's always a bit of a surprise.

Talk, listen.
Get real, get with it!!
Get OVER it.
Laugh, listen.

some of the happy surprises

a walk to the park on sunday afternoon. 

a neighborhood coming together (i hope the train traffic doesn't increase...it shakes our whole house and wakes sleeping children)

the changing leaves

friday, even after blowing off some steam in that last post, i was still feeling stressed, anxious, frustrated...what ever you want to call it.  ugh.  there is just so much going on right now...i've been so tired...it is difficult to sort it all out.  some of the complications: we thought we might be feeding Judah too much because he is pretty big.  he's so good and cute, he has a big tum-tum.  i am breastfeeding, but he would usually get a formula bottle in the evenings, especially the nights that i work.  he gets a bottle o' mom's special, yet quite often, probably every evening i work and some that i don't we gave him formula.  he slept through the night.  well, now he doesn't, because we are trying to make sure he is on a schedule, not just a little piggy.  our doc TOLD me not to worry about it, since we are breastfeeding (not to regulate on demand feeding), but to remember that while the other kids needed a little extry, the judinator seems to be JUST FINE.  long story long: i am not getting as much sleep as i did even 2 weeks ago.  so i drink more coffee during the day, which makes for less sleep at night.  AND, boring long winded explanation continues, are you still with me, who doesn't need her sleep?

we have some other junk ($$, client calling me at home to complain about the customer service at the salon, listing all the ways it is a horrible place and how she is being retaliated against and that she'll have to go somewhere else...what? just go then. dang! sigh, clutter abounding, suvi falling down all the time, winter approaching and my garage is too full for a car for the 3rd year in a row, leaking shower) happening too, but everybody does, it just gets to me when i am so stinkin' T-I-R-E-D. 

yeah, that is all rumbling around in my brain on and off every day.  after i was done with my clients on friday evening, the fun of working started to switch places with the stress of living.  i went down stairs to the meditation room, well, okay, it is a WC, to "study".  nothing was happening, tho' my body was telling me that something should definitely be moving...i was too stressed to poop people. there.  i said it.  all of that beating around the bush to tell you: i am, indeed, a tight ass.

what i do when i get too anxious is concentrate on my breathing until i am lucid enough to pray.  so i prayed on the potty.  right there in the salon basement, i sat with my bloomers at my ankles and i prayed!  after everything was said and done, i felt much better all around, thank you very much.  i collected my pump, purse, and twelve dollars in "optionals" and headed out to the car.  I found a beautiful sky...i love a pink sky.  I made a stop at my favorite retailer (think bullseye) where i found the long sleeve white t-shirt H had asked me to keep and eye out for. when i got home-i found a heart in the sink (while brushing my teeth).  the part of my prayer asking for a peaceful heart was answered immediately. and i saw some good in this dog pile of a country.

oh the pressure.

"...what we're trying to do is grow the economy..." blah blah blah. Hey, folks.  Guess what Ima do. Ima 'bout ta calla spade a spade. This political rhetoric is absolute freaking horse shit. Hear that EVERYBODY?  Yeah, that's right.  I said it.  All y'all on the television, in the internets, on the radio, in my salon, at the gas station, at fireworks and Costco, spreading alla your BAloney are full of HORSE.Shit.  I feel like my head is going to explode.  I can't wait to vote and get it over with.

AND, I don't want to hear about any more bullying, stalking, suicide, child abuse, domestic abuse, forclosures, unemployment, illness, co-dependency, entitlement.  I am feeling so very sensitive this week, and I am seriously saturated.  I can't bear to hear one more horrid thing. Good GRIEF!  Isn't there anything good happening in this dog pile of a country we live in?  Guess what, Republicans, Democrats, and pot-smokers, none of you are the One with the Answer.  And another thing.  Yes.  There is a line.  There is a line that says, the things on this side are acceptable, and sometimes, some folks cross the dang line.  Know what that means? Sometimes some people are wrong.  And that is okay.  It is completely acceptable for me to say that somethings are wrong, and unacceptable, and...not even right.  Sheesh.  I'm just trying to enjoy my little children, my hottie husband, the new shoes he just forked over a huge wad of cash for, and my bangs.

(this may be the scariest photo of me i've ever seen. thank suvi)

Alright? ALRIGHT???!

That's what I thought. Punk.  Now take your stinkin' entitled over-opinionated under-experienced biased self to a coffee shop and RE-stinkin'-lax.  Honestly.  Lets do some breathing together. 
Deep, long, cleansing breath in.......and shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh, calming exhale.
Good thoughts innnn..............and downers, negativity out.
One more sure, steady, freeing inhaaaaaale, and releasssssssssssssssssssse it all.

Now, can we discuss dress patterns?  Apples?  a winning sports team?  a 62nd wedding anniversary?  a perfect found item?
Please spread your personal happy surprise with me.  Reach a goal?  Do something new?  I want to hear about it.

our strange neighbor used to have expensive cars.

now he rides a bike, and, apparently, a wagon.

some food is just yummy and i will eat it.

my baby is cute. period.

a secret moment i shouldn't share, but i will. because i am so in love with this dude.

another suvi pic

Word.