Here I am!

When I was in my 20's, I went to San Francisco with a humongous group of friends.  We didn't stay there for more than a day, if my memory serves; we rented minivans to drive to Yosemite and along the Lost Coast.  It was such a beautiful trip.  It was the beginning of the end of an era.  I witnessed my friend falling in love. I got to see my friends seeing the Pacific Ocean for the first time.  I withdrew to my imagination and dreamed of my someday life.  My life with children, as an artist, living in that part of the country.  I loved the sunshine and the raw beauty of the beach, of the golden, tall grasses, of the chill in the air on a July day.  I was moving through my self-induced heart ache, blinking back my embarrassment, learning about accepting the things I cannot change, and simultaneously enjoying this wonderful trip. But to survive the pain of a friendship that was changing, distancing, I had to inflate my imagination.

That story I created has stayed with me.  It is a happy memory of a day-dream, to think of driving down a dusty road with four kids in the back of an old float-boat of a car, my sun-lightened hair in a pony tail...sigh.  Sometimes, because I am that kind of crazy, I get a little sad about that day dream.  Sad because in my imagination, I am light, and free, and airy, and 125 lbs, and younger, braver, artsier, better.  YOU.GUYS.  I am such kind of crazy that I get LONESOME for a me that never was.  {smirk} And you thought YOU were nuts. Not even.

The thing of it is, I felt it today.  I felt the feeling I imagined having. Today.  I was leaving a lake-side park where we'd spent a few hours with my friend and her little darlings.  It's breezy today, sunshiney, cool in the shade...my salon-lightened hair is too short for a pony, and my car is not a beater (PTL), I drove away down the interstate.  All those details were different but that feeling...sigh.  So right. Maybe what this is what 38 does? Helps me see.  Tells me I am here. Stands up, arms waving, "Here I am!"

Thankful for my wonderful friend and this glorious day!!!

Raw foods have higher nutrient values than foods which have been cooked

that is what i read from a super trusty source, wikipedia.

but you know what? i'm not thinking about food, i'm thinking about soul food, raw emotion, and process.
i'm thinking that there is something beautiful inside this raw feeling i have in my heart and there-abouts. i am thinking that distance is tangible, need is imagined, perception is sometimes a chokey smokey telescope, obsession is shrinkable, curiosity is inflammatory.

but. i do believe that all this rawttitude, rawtivity, rawxclamations, warm and malleable, contribute greatly to the life experience.  perspective and relativity is pretty much the most important tool in examining the raw soul food.

AAAACK!

p.s. have you guessed my anxiety is binding then icing the underside of my breast bone? right between my heart and lungs and the upper rib cage i can feel this little red anxiety monster squeezing my lungs with his toes and icing my heart with huge icy mittens.

i am feeling insecure in some of my personal relationships, lonesome, and beating myself up.  i'll feel better soon.  i know.  i always get through the fields of tangle weed doubt.  and i hope the cause of my insecurities is just a personal rough patch and not a true reflection of the condition of a very important station of my heart.

......
in other news, Theo went to school every day last week.  and today, too!  today he told me the only part of school he doesn't like is LEAVING!

i am up

i cried many days in a row.

and i worried and fretted.

i let myself be injured and totally vulnerable and painfully honest in my emotion.

it is so scary to let every pain be exposed, fears announced, questions be asked.

yet, it was perfect.  uncomfortable.  and exactly what i needed.

it is so hard to keep all the balls in the air.  i am not a super duper juggler. but when you are with your no-matter-what friends, it can happen.  i can drop all the balls.  i might worry them or annoy them or make them just look the other way, but they love me.  and they tell me, 'this too shall pass.'  and that i don't suck.

i had a fabulous day at work on saturday.  it was directly related to a wonderful 5 days in the copper country, especially in boston location.  i enjoyed my clients more and was just reLAXED. it was great.

my friends are MY BEST.

I love you, Deanna and Nancy.  Thanks for loving me in my weirdness.  MUAH!

judah was already in the car...he likes to go for rides

the neighbor boy took this photo.  he might be 7. his name is calvin. 

...

it was a hot day at home today.  we filled up our little pool with water.  you may remember, my kids like to be au naturale.

suvi splashing theo

theo formulating a plan

later he came to me and said if he had a piece of glass or something like that he could fry something with the sunshine.  our plan is to burn a blade of grass on the driveway tomorrow.  this kid!

Pretzel sticks and diet dew

Late night whispering of life's events, early morning bathroom haircut, Walmart runs, beach, sun, endless conversation.

Oh! What a week.

Peaceful hearts for you my friends!

Sometimes it stings.

Let's make a deal, alright?
I won't try fix you, and you, well, you don't try fix me either.
'cause, you is good, you is important, you is special.
And I Am Too, dangnabit.

Can't we just get some Barney the purple dinosaur up in here?
For crying out loud!

You know what? Sometimes I really want to believe that I am a pile of crappitty crapping crapper, but the truth is, I'm not. I am just somebody's daughter, sister, auntie, friend, wife, hairdresser, mother, and Facebook friend. You are perhaps many or none or all of those persons as well, and I don't think you are any kind of villain. Wait. You're not, are you? Because if you are, well, the super heroes around this house are totally going to capture you and put you in the custody of the proper authorities. Assuming you are not a criminal, we can continue here. (I'll just pause a moment so that any bad guys can find the way to the nearest exits.)
Ahem. So, as I was saying, I actually do have feelings. I care about the people in my life. I am doing my darnedest to simply take you for your word, accept you as your own sort of person, with your own thoughts and roles and hopes and dreams and fears and history and presence. Am I perfect?
Oh my word. No! I don't expect you to be, for goodness sake. Just please, be honest with me AND be kind. I am not here to judge you, but truth be told, I will probably notice your hair. But I will choose KINDNESS if you should mention your hair.
Hey. Let's CHOOSE kindness if we should mention ME and/or you.
"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family with a great big..."
Have a good Monday, good guys!
(bad guys, you can go blow it out your old wazoo.)


{{sometimes it just takes a super awesome listener and encourager of a husband, a sister who can break it down and cheer me up. and, a sense of humor and perspective and a hug from Mom.}}
that can take the sting right away.
aaaalllllllll better. :)

shiney, happy mommy

it is 11:09.
a) i just started up the internetmobile for the day
b) i haven't yelled at my kids
c) i ate a peanut butter sandwich in the kitchen while suvi and theo were playing in their bedroom and judah was eating his snack.
d) i love peanut butter.
e) the fact that it is poison to my son is not freaking me out as much, and maybe makes it taste better since i have to be so mindful of when i eat it.
f) suvi made a construction paper Christmas tree. so presh.
g) when my kids pretend to be robots, they speak in monotone and end their statements with a high 'beep' and a low 'boop'
h) the 'beep boop' makes me chuckle every.single.time.
i) i just had to say no to theo.  he commenced whimpering and begging.  i explained to him that if i changed my answer to yes, he wouldn't know when to believe me.  he actually stopped begging.
j) now he is telling me to type "I like to sing. I like to BeatBox.  I like Thomas trains, I have one of my own.  I also have Brio trains; I have more of them myself."
k) Life is all about the trains for Theo.
l) And...now I just yelled at him.
m) it is 11:24.
n) Theo changed the subject: he's just like his dad and his gram.  i'm glad he manages and finds his way to cope.
o) Sigh.
p) 11:31. guess what? the SUN is still shining!  the kids are getting ready to go outside.
q) fresh air and sunshine are key.
r) i am at a really doable place in my walk with depression. i have enough perspective now, that when i start to get that sinking i-can't-do-this-feeling, i know that i will indeed muddle through and i have a precedent of doing-this, so i make myself hold on.
s) i just want to point out a couple of links: Jenny's Light i have over there on the right.  jenny and her son are victims of  some scary post partum psychosis, or severe ppd. her twin sister becky started Jenny's Light as a resource for women who need help. (hometown girls, these are the gibbs sisters we went school with)
also, another link to choosing beauty, liv shares her own story as well as provides links for reference and help.
t) depression is not a sign of weakness. if you are struggling, please take care of you.  get help.  you are LOVED and IMPORTANT and NEEDED and PRECIOUS.  you will be ok.  just reach out.
u) theo and suvi are taking a swimming class on mondays.  my cheeks hurt from smiling at the end of the half-hour. it is so much fun.
v) the hubinator does not know how to swim. i have a pretty mean doggie paddle.  we want to take lessons, too.
w) earlier this morning, i noticed a butterfly-like shadow on the curtain, so i pulled the curtain aside slowly.  sitting on the screen was a moth dressed as a butterfly. judah and suvi and i watched it til it flitted off.
x) i stayed with the top of my head against the window enjoying the warmth of the sun.
y) after a few prods, suvi picked out her clothes for the day: rainbow tights and a sweater dress.  perfect for playing outside. heh.
z) just knowing that other moms get a little twitchy and itch for a little, shall we say 'focus' time, makes me feel better about my own desire to do a solo stint somewhere. i just love hearing people stories, and mommy-people stories.  i like to FEEL it and BOND.

it's 11:52.

i just tried picmonkey for the first time.  very similar to picnik, but maybe easier, cleaner & faster!

enjoy your tuesday.  or else!

oh, you didn't know?/i finally got a library card

Yes.  I really AM that nuts.

Some of my crazy was revealed today, all because I am a terrible liar.  I was invited to go visiting during preschool.  Two people invited us, actually, but I declined both of them.  One decline was a true spacey moment for me-I received a text while I was driving and by the time I parked it had vanished from my mind, and the other, well...I just.couldn't.go.

Theo was invited to go play after preschool at his 4th cousins house. (ha, ha.  aside from my ma and siblings & their lots, we really don't have any extended family from our church.  my grandparents sort of lost touch with the church, so my aunts and uncle do whatever they do, while my mommy was converted as a teenager. anyway...)  I was planning to just get over my anxious hesitations, but Theo got scared and told me he didn't want to go to Aric's house.  After I dropped him at preschool in Timbuktu, I called to cancel with Aric's mom.  I could have still gone to visit, Suvi and Judah would have loved it, but it was too much for me.  WHY?  I really, really like Aric's Mom, and so, next time, I WILL make Theo and his MOM stick to the plan.

The cancelling and the forgetting, while unfortunate, is somewhat usual for me.  I have learned how to sort of let the pain of it go.  There are plenty of times when it wouldn't have felt overwhelming to go have a visit at someone's house, and there will be more invites.  I hope! ;)  But, the uncomfortable thing is...I was tapped by the other mom's at pick-up time.  The texter outed me.  So Naughty!!  I just wanted to make some nice casual chatter while Theo got his stuff together, but once I was outed, then I admitted that I just sort of... drove around for 2 hours.  What.  As if you haven't ever just gone for a drive.  "You could have stayed here!"  "Why didn't you just come over!"  And one of the Mom's had a terrible look of confusion or pity on her face, like a 'what in the world?' kind of look.

I should have just LIED.  Or said, "Thank you.  I am not feeling so hot, but I would love to do it another day."

Would you like to know what kind of "errands" were done in that time?  The car got a fill-up at the edge of town, then we left Watertown for Long Lake, where I got coffee for me, doughnuts and milk for the kids (from 'super' gas station).  We parked over at the church to make a little car picnic.  There.  That's not so bad, is it?

Have you ever had to awkwardly tell on yourself?  Reveal some of your nutserness?  Tell me.  Make me feel better, because misery loves COMPANY!  Unless, of course, misery is feeling frazzled and can't love company.

the letters for the preschoolers today: MN

Gram gave a scooter to Theo.  He hasn't loved his bike, so she thought he might enjoy 'scootin' on their trips to the park.  Suvi usually rides her trike...there has been a lot of competition for the scooter here in the last 24 hours...;)

.......

I've been thinking about the library...you know, you can just go there and get books? for free?  serious.  Fa-ree!  We brought seven books home with us today.  And did you know you have to check your books out yourself?  So many things have changed in the eight or so years since I have been a patron.  I am excited to go back solo.  I'd like to read something that isn't about superheroes or busytown.  

nuts

• it's a two scarf kind of night
• i told deanna, earlier, that if i had nuts, i'd surely be freezing them off tonight
• it's no°
• hab put frosting on the kids noodles tonight while i was at work. he thought it was butter
• i have burst out laughing no less than 4 times in the hour and a half since he told me
• at least 30 minutes before he told me about the frosting, he said, the kids didn't want to eat anything tonight
• bahahahahahaaaaahha!
• i rinsed them off and they tasted just fine (the noodles.  i rinsed and tasted the noodles)
• i think the thoughts are starting to get unstuck from my headball
• here's hoping for a fabulous friday!

and, um, remember this list from monday?

finish cleaning our upstairs

cut out the fabric for the purse i am imagining

eat lots of salad and fruit

sleep more solid chunks of sleep

finish addressing the cards to my clients

ya. ah, i guess i am going to be busy tomorrow.  lots of fruit eating and card addressing and fabric cutting to do. and i'll go work on that sleep one right now.

so here's hoping for an industrious friday!!

pizza blocks

source

 i took some time in finding this image of abc blocks.  so much time, in fact, i don't remember how they were going to be the 'building blocks' for this post!

oh yes.  here it is: i have writers block.

i have a few posts that are way s.t.u.c.k. in the back of my head.  it is as if i can feel them back there holding on to my brain stem, so as not to be brought to the top of my head and  then onto the screen.  i want to write about good and bad.  i want to write about filters.  i want to write about friendship.  i want to write about my children and motherhood, and how all of these things are linked together.  i want to wonder about weak adrenals, and why depression is so scary, and that people run from it.  scary, big, wonderful heady thoughts.  they are all linked up together--like calcification, clogging the arteries of my thinkering.

you know what?  i have been eating some bad high-fat foods.  seriously!  that is it!  my synapses are crispy instead of flexible.  shoot.  stupid pizza.

hey pizza!  you are making my blog boring and my thoughts dull.  get out of my life!  and quit planting your dirty little devilish thoughts as base as homer simpson: mmm.  food.  now that i've found you, ratted you out, confronted you, you can bet i am going to do what i can to get your pizza ass out of my brain, you got that, pizza?  you messed with the wrong nutbag this time, you cheesey, saucey, crusty, piping hot, comes right to my door, cardboard box hiding brain cruncher!  i want my head back.

own your story

once upon a time, in an old and creaking house lived a limping, lumbering, mysterious creature.  the creature's feet hurt from carrying the weight of five 25 pound sacks of flour under her skin.  she lumbered across the cold wood, her joints echoing the creaks of the floor beneath her painful feet. 

sometimes, the mysterious creature opened the flimsy windows of the shadowy house; those times the wind blew the curtains back, blew the cobwebs off the walls, and blew a bit of golden sun across the chilly rooms.  the wind invited the beast outdoors, and there, one autumn afternoon, the shadows fell away from the creatures brow.  she chased the little urchins back and forth the length of the lot of land (the little urchins that squeaked and squawked and whose noses oozed a clear, slippery substance, demanding to be fed and watered at all hours of the day and night, the little urchins who stole the sleep from under the creature's head, who put sand in her eyes, then leaped and bounced and bounded across the creature's stack of yellow pillows).  as she chased, the pain dropped of first the right foot, and then, eased off of the left foot.  her limp was lopped off with the giggles and squeals of the littlest of the urchins.  the chubbiest and screechiest and softest and smoochiest of the urchins swallowed the mystery of the creature.  that urchin's feast revealed a whole lot of mother, grinning ear.to.ear.

and she forgot about being so irritated at the smallest things un-urchins do or don't do. 

so my story is, i have some emotion wrapped up in food that is as of yet, not clear to me.  i am eating for comfort right up the scale and out of my comfort and into a scary world of hugeness that doesn't suit me in the slightest.  and so, i'm cranky.  and it's exhausting to beat myself up all the time.  yes, i let other little irritations become more powerful than i ought.  all.for.naught.   what i'm trying to say is, being outside is good for me, getting crabby with someone who is operating on a different field is pointless, i don't want to get mad about food, as food is sustenance, not love.  this nice crap takes practice.  oh yeah, i am living in the practice of bitchiness love.

aaaanyhoo, have a good weekend.  i'm off to work.  driving in the sunshine, thankyouverymuch.  and, for what it's worth, if i buy spinach and chickpea patty things with you in mind, just eat the dang thing.  don't eat everything else on your plate, i mean EVERY grain of rice, leaving this special thing i found just for you untouched.  even though i know it doesn't mean you are being mean, i am kind of nutser than you'd first think, and it's going to BUG me.  okay then.

peace, joy, and LOVE!!!!

last sprinklings of summer

It was hot yesterday. 

a cool drink

our star

with beautiful skin.  mud does that.

please, judey, don't eat rocks.

i tried a cloth diaper.  it sagged down a titch. just enough to show his darling crack attack.

it is pert near half september.  i'm glad summer is lingering at least one more day!  so many steamy days, but such a dreamy summer.  i heart camping, and we got to go TWICE! 

we are getting used to sleeping upstairs.  i put a couple boxes away last night, and organized all the bags and boxes of clothes and toys that we are not keeping.  i just had to at least move them out of the way, so we felt like we actually have a bedroom, and not a nest in the closet.  turned the bed, so our heads are to the north.  i like that.  north for my head please.  now the hub doesn't have to climb over a table or his bride to reach his pillow.  another thing, we had to switch sides initially, so i could be close to the baby monitor and get up to wrangler the chilluns who woke in the night.  we are on our proper spots again--i slept so much better!  (i'm on the right)  strange how that can make a difference .  aaaaanyhooo, the coffee cup is empty.  time to stretch and stroll on over to my awesome thermos which keeps the coffee hot for HOURS.

I added a new link over there on the right under Link A link-link.  Check it out, if you are so inclined.

oh man! i was going to tell you about the lump in my throat from last week.  theo started sunday school and tomorrow he is going to the pre/play-school with the other 4 year old's from church.  at teeny's.  when larissa told me it was from 9:30 to 11:45 i about lost my lunch.  i was feeling so feelingy about theo reaching this new stage...my BAAAAABY! is growing right up under my nose.  that's the plan from the beginning, but i love love love having him home with me and suvi will do this big kid thing next year.  what a royal rip off.  maybe it's time for us to get a doggie?  teehee.

***watch out.  give-away on the next post.  my 500th post.***

it takes all kinds.

i'm pretty lax, as a rule.

natural is good, not-so natural is good (if we're talking haircolor).

eating dinner out for a date is wonderful, eating drive-thru in the car with the kids parked in the shade is wonderful.

dark denim jeans are hot and my favorite thing to wear with a cute tank top.

black yoga pants are not hot and my favorite thing to wear with a regular tank top.

eating meals at the table is a really good practice, and keeps the living room clean.

i'm pretty lax on that rule.

it does create some messes that would be better contained to the vinyl flooring in the dining room.  and more hand prints on the living-room everything.

a couple of weeks ago i was talking about a long-time friend with her sister.  it was more about the difference in parenting between the two sisters, and the long-time friend sets her kids up with little trays for breakfast, instead of at the table.  i totally understand this concept of parenting.  it's called, do what works best to keep your head on straight.  the conversation just popped in my mind this morning and made me giggle as i was carrying three bowls into my living room.  i can imagine the shock and dismay for some parents at this style of serving our kids.  it works for both of us, my pal and me.  motherhood: it takes all kinds!

(we do eat meals together at the table. and we do eat meals together in the living room.  i know.  we are nutser than you thought!)