LOVE has come for you.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

We have it all

Russell has strep throat again, or more likely, still. A month ago he, Suvi, and Judah did 10 days of antibiotics to kill strep, but this guy is miserable again. Throwing up, stinky runny diapers, cranky, over tired. And I'm exhausted. Habtamu has been sleeping on the couch more often than not so at least one of us can sleep. Russell ends up in Dad's side of the bed an awful lot! 
I actually like sleeping with my kids once in a while. I love that little warm breath keeping pace through the night. But Mr Russgus likes to sleep east/west in a full size north/south kind of bed. He still gets up every night sometime between 11 and 1 o'clock. After that, he can't seem to settle back into his own bed. He'll keep waking up bawling many times. So it's probably counter productive to have him sleep with Mom, yet it keeps him sleeping longer and the house quiet for the rest of these hooligans.
And now he is sick. Again. 
I have been down with bug after bug myself since September. It's bringing me down. My clients are mentioning it. My Mom is telling me to eat oranges. 
I'm all, "Calgon, take me away!" (Not really. Baths take too long.)

It's difficult to maintain perspective when one is sleep deprived. I, for one, start to think of every detail about my life that isn't perfect. This house needs repairs, remodeling, clutter-reduction, redecorating. The same goes for me. My doctor retired last May, and I haven't settled on a new one. I need to make an appointment. The kids want to sign up for sports, but it's so expensive. My hair looks stupid. We don't see friends. We don't go on dates. I haven't been to Finland in 16 years. I keep losing my book. 

Blink, blink.

Then I start to feel guilty for not appreciating what we DO have. A car that's paid off, a (humble) house we can afford. A good clinic near-by for our otherwise healthy family. Gram 3 doors down. Friends we miss! Extended family that is safe and accounted for. 2 jobs we like. Library cards. An excellent school for our kids. A kindergartener who is starting to read!! HGTV. PBS. Adele. 45 minutes of cozy time on the couch to chat with and to be cheered by my faithful, hardworking husband.

Sigh. I do want a snazzy house, but I'm happy for the love inside our little, shabby shack. And that Spring is nearly here.

Monday, February 15, 2016

I'll cry your tears

...even and especially if you didn't ask.

At church on Sunday, I made the lady sitting next to me cry. She has a special place in my heart because she moved far away from her parents and siblings when she was a young, red sports car driving, chick TO MARRY A MINNESOTA BOY. I wanted to move far, far away when I was a young, city bus riding, chick. 
When you're young, it's likely you can't look to the future: your spring brain doesn't yet know what it doesn't know. Youth is a risk taking season. It's energizing and summer lasts a really long time. I married a feller who took a youthful leap into adventure far away from home...these are my people.

And so, sitting in my pew there four rows from the back, I observed a brother (who is now local) smile with his whole face when his sister walked up the aisle towards him. She lives 6 or 7 or 8 hours away, I think, and it was just lovely to see these siblings embrace. Then. Hot tears filled my eyes so that when I stopped being nosey and looked back to my song book, the words were swimming. Tears for the woman next to me who doesn't get to embrace her brother on a (somewhat random) Sunday morning. Over-seas is really far away when you'd do well with a hug from your brother.

And because sometimes my release involves an other, I had to tell her my thoughts. And that I had absorbed some of the sting she has coped with and sorted in her many years in her "new" home. 
My tears were for you. I see you. I recognize that you have sacrificed. Immigrants are fascinating folks. You are super rad. (Also I'm sorry for the unplanned cry session. 😬)

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Hello, red bird.

Sitting in my car listening to Radio Lab, I was startled by a cardinal lighting on a branch outside my window. "Hello, red bird. Who are you?"

Friday, January 1, 2016

Word up!

 •habits that are, or have become,  unnecessary
 •joy, so it can bounce around 
 •my truth.

That's my word for 2016 (or 5-4, in my personal, on-going need for math (*/4)): R-e-l-e-a-s-e. I'm going all Elsa up in here an' gonna Let It Go, y'all!

Happy New Year!!!!

Thursday, December 17, 2015

V cut

Today I put a fountain pop in my purse. 

In the evening, I cut a v in my finger during a haircut. I was really warm and it was distracting me from the long to short cut I was working on. After I knicked my finger with the shears, I got a bandage, took off my sweater (immodest tank exposed!), spilled water on my phone + desk, and found a piece of gum. Cooling off + chewing peppermint gum helped me regain focus. My client let me cut 10-12 inches from her hair. It was great fun to see the new style reveal itself. She looked younger by 10 years. At least!

I'm sure there were plenty of other ditzy moments in between the forgotten fountain pop tipping in my purse and spilling water on my phone (it's fine-I'm using it right now!), but I'm happy my day turned around. 

Tomorrow will be clearer with more rest. Good night!

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Numbness in the extremities

I'm feeling like I'm on the cusp of something. You know that feeling? Like bumbling around in the dark, when everything familiar by day becomes foreign by night. 
I never believed people when they said they turned their feelings off. But I'm eating compulsively. It's my tell.
As if I'm stepping into the room with trepidation and both hands reaching out in front of me to detect and lessen the pain of collision. What is it there? What can I not see? 
What am I afraid of?

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

the moment was lost

I just read a really touching account of a dear client's day. She is going through a heavy time, but her words and her intention of holding on to the funny, sort of highlights of the day by day, struck a chord with me. 
I want to remember these little humble moments I have with these little boys here at home.  Judah just comes up with some of THE BEST theories in his 4 year old mind.  He makes us laugh. A lot.  Russell pulled himself up to standing for the first time yesterday.  It was thrilling! He doesn't roll or crawl, so while we're not panicked, we are paying attention.  He scoots on his booty the same way Judah did.  It is adorbs. We want to be sure there isn't a reason besides his 27.7 lbs at 10 months of age, and watch that he does eventually hit those developmental milestones. Gross motor.

So after reading CG's post, I felt the swell of emotion, touched by her words so bittersweet, inspiration to return to writing out our moments.  Then the boys needed me for little Mama things like they do, and my chest cooled and my thoughts strayed and my moments to capture fell from my head. The moment was lost. I hope to find it again!