Wishing and Hoping

You know, I can do all the wishin' and hopin' my little head is capable of, but sometimes it's --wait, MOST times, it is the moving and doing that gets me what needs getting.
Sigh.
It's New Year's Eve.  We are out of bread.  I am rather handy at baking bread these days, BUT...i don't WANT to. Pout, pout. I'm going to wake up tomorrow, and either we will have bread or we won't.  It is up.to.me.
It means change. It means stop moping because "things" are changing, and get with it.  DUDE! Do you want the bread?  Then get off of your money maker and get.the.bacon. Er, bread.
Yesterday I had lunch with some girlfriends.  It was so right and fun and encouraging.
   "You don't know everything.  Use all the tools that are available to you," said one fine friend.
Isn't she smart? SO SMART! My friends may not have known how much they were encouraging me; I was debating over taking one of the kids into the clinic, but that encouragement is flowing over to today as well.  I am going to bake my bread already.  And I called the (cue dramatic, scary music)...BANK.  I've been needing to do it for a month, but kept putting it off.
You are looking at an independent contractor (still in the salon where I have been employed for the last 10.5 years).  I needed to set up my bank account to accept plastic payment.  I will not be accepting rubber payment, so if you are broke, Girrrrl, reschedule. :) I have been hesitant/nervous/procrastinating switching over for several years and for many reasons...like, there was that 30 question test (which is not difficult) that I had to take. Twice. There is the purchasing of my own supplies.  There is the setting aside and paying of taxes.  There is the responsibility for my own success.  It is happening, Baby! I AM in charge of my business.
What a great friend and mentor my former boss and current Salon Owner has turned out to be.  He had to really push me quite definitely and firmly to make this change.  He has been gently nudging me for, seriously you guys, three years.  He and his bride are just good peeps. I feel very fortunate to have been able to grow up and through this decade at Mark of Excellence.
The folks around me are my tools, and collectively, they know so very much about living.  I will forever be a wisher and hope-er. A hesitant doer.  Ima jus do eet.
Happy New Year!
Here's hopin y'all are doin fine and baking your proverbial bread!  WiHOOOO!
2014 in da HA-OUSE!
Feel free to say a little prayer for me!

The ol' Switcheroo!

Judah writes with either hand.

i like these ol' beautes.

Suvi likes to use the camera.  you can see the reflection of her t-shirt in the window. i was just getting home from work when she took this photo.

today i have been a bit angsty, worrying about finances and the fact that judah needs a filling. he had an appointment last week, but wouldn't allow the dentist to even look at the tooth. it's 'L', for those of you who know your baby teeth. 

i heard the mail arrive and in it was some good, good celebration-worthy news for someone we love (we, as in my family in this house, not we, as in you the reader & i). also, we got the Valpak envelope & i wonder whether folks actually open &/or use the adverts inside. my heavy heart switched from worry and despair to tears of joy.  it's THE best kind of switcheroo.

Small & Simple

I spent the last 4-5 days near the loo.  Stomach bugs are no fun, you see, no fun attol.
Judah and I have been stinky partners in crime, butt (ha, ha) I think we are now in the clear.  AAAAAHHHHH! (angelic choir)

A consequence to the loss of fluids, was a reduction in my water retention.  At this level of obesity, I have heard it is not uncommon to retain water/have swelling in the legs/edema.  I have struggled with it for a long time, before I was, shall we say, quite so Large and In Charge.  I think it's the diet Coke and crap I eat, more than just the weight. Anyhoosie, my little feet have been looking like REGULAR ol' feet. No swelling. Don't get me wrong, I will always have cankles, but it was such a relief not to have puffy feet.  Sigh.  You MUST look for the good in things.
Crap your pants three nights in a row? At least your feet don't hurt.  Sanitizing every bloomin' surface under this roof? Thankfully, you bought that huge pack of Lysol at Costco.  Afraid to eat anything after having a poop-tastsic weekend? You got a little head start on your new weight-loss action plan!
And actually, that last bit of good was the point of my post.  I spent most of the day worried I was going to gain it all back, refilling my water cup, looking at my non-swollen feet, and eating small portion snacks/meals.  I had fountain pop twice last week, but haven't brought any 12 packs of diet coke in here for a few weeks.  It has been easier than I expected to move away from diet Coke, so I will just look at the food thing like the pop thing. How is this going to affect my feet?  Keep it small, keep it simple.  My outlook, my meal, my pocketbook, my shopping list...the same rule applies!!! (this rule DOES NOT apply to HAIR. BIG HAIR or go home, people)

Mark Twain really said a lot of stuff.

• “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Or so he said.  (Mark Twain, that is.)

• “The earth was warm under me, and warm as I crumbled it through my fingers...I kept as still as I could. Nothing happened. I did not expect anything to happen. I was something that lay under the sun and felt it, like the pumpkins, and I did not want to be anything more. I was entirely happy. Perhaps we feel like that when we die and become a part of something entire, whether it is sun and air, or goodness and knowledge. At any rate, that is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great. When it comes to one, it comes as naturally as sleep.” 

― Willa Cather, My Ántonia


Today I am contemplating success and forgiveness.  Last year when I had the breakdown in my gynecologist's office, I told him, through my tears, I felt myself a failure.  I have made strides in my emotional health since then. My anxiety is manageable and I feel more peaceful and slightly more motivated.  Yesterday I was struggling with success and forgiveness.  In a conversation, someone said sarcastically to me, "...because your life is so successful."  Ouch.

What is that measure of success? What is that standard? Well, if we are speaking of financial success, then no. I am an UNsuccessful little lady.  Annually, I make about a third of what I did before I became a mother. And it would be fair to say my debt has tripled. It is an area of stress and disappointment and harsh self-talk. I am not proud of where I sit financially, but I do know that I can improve. I have to pray minute by minute for wisdom and guidance and strength not to commit the same financial missteps. It will be a life long challenge for me, I am sure.

Are we reduced to our checking account? Are we measured by our debt to income ratio? I truly hope that I will not have to bring a copy of my bank statement with me when I go.

I can share with you my idea of success, BUT I can't really claim this success as my own.
I have a husband who loves me, loves his children, who works hard, who is faithful to me. He picks up the pieces that I inevitably drop, he hopes and dreams and plans for a future for our children, for the two of us.  I have these three beautiful children for whom I have been allowed tending as they grow. I have to see these great blessings, these gifts, as my success.  

I yell at my kids and grumble about my husband.  I forget to enter withdrawals in my check register.  I overspend.  But everyday is new, full of challenge and opportunity.  I won't give up.  I'll put that darling clearance tagged blanket back on the shelf.  I will empty my virtual cart.  I will hug my children and my husband.  I'll choose love as my song.  Forgive me if I am slightly off key!

        “Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all people love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour increasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.” 
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

Peace, Love, Forgiveness, and Success to you today, my friends!!!!


also, today is:

source

so i DARE you to do it. leave a comment. here! and then go there to see what she's giving away!

first steps.

this is part of the organization of my world.  it starts with a little limelight. the limelight letters, in fact. i first learned about them over at livlane.com. i am a bit of a stranger to change, but i'm ready for some giddyap, y'all.

i do believe i have a test to schedule and some fabric to cut out.

I choose SCORE BOARD.

because the words 'goal setting', 'targeted goal', 'intended outcome', 'resolutions', 'new year's resolutions', freak me out a little bit. but  i am ready to set some goals & make some sort of vision board. here is the first image going up on my Life Be Like board:

in the black.

i want to do more sewing and creating in general. i think it is time for me to make a daily schedule, so i can be sure i know what i am supposed to be doing and where and when. this loosey goosey style i have mastered has left me wanting more structure and falling short of my un-named goals. 

nothing changes until something changes.

i'm going to keep score. i'm going to make myself a score board. so when one of my visions, hopes, dreams, GOALS for 2013 materializes, i can say, 'SCORE!' and then, Life Be Like, so good to me!

What is going to make you shout "SCORE!!!"?

Well, here we are

I find myself wanting to burrow. Change=challenge=growth=good. It's a little something I picked up from an intelligent woman I have the privilege of knowing.

I have known for a few years that some New & Improved is trying to scooch in on my life. But I push it back down whenever it pops up. Change be scary up in hee-yah, y'all. I was the kid who never pulled out a loose tooth. I let it wiggle around in my smile until it freed itself from my little girl mouth. I would push it with my tongue and and test it with my fingers, but I did not pull. I saved them, too, in my desk drawer until I went to college. Serious.

So it should come as no surprise that I keep closing the windows when the winds of change come a blowin'. I am going to apply for the next level of cosmetology license; it's called a managers license, but I call it a big scam to squeeze more money out of me. (actually, the fee for my licensure is really quite reasonable, but this manager's lic. just seems silly. I will be no more qualified for what I do, but I will be allowed to legally go out on my own.) at this point I haven't any plan of leaving MOE, but with the new insurance and tax laws, it might be better for MOE if I become a contractor. This also means that I could have a change of venue. SO MUCH UNKNOWN. Maybe a little Mohawks&Mullets Salon in our dining room? The new year will be exciting, it seems.

CHANGE=CHALLENGE=GROWTH=GOOD.

Have a fantastic Friday. If you'll be traveling for the Thanksgiving holiday, I wish you smooth sailing. I am thankful for my dear family, these bright children, clean water, a minister I've known for a quarter of a century, a super duper husband, and I am thankful for you, my friend.

shh...please don't tell on me

i JUST have to share this picture.