I have a Tell

When my purse is overflowing, when my stuff is scattered, when my phone is full of selfies...I.am.struggling. I get blind and project when I'm in deep. Kind of victim/help&hope-less. It's gross.

So I am THANKFUL FOR MOMENTS OF PERSPECTIVE. And patience, kindness, perseverance in my husband. He is really so much more amazeballs than I can express! I'm going to go ahead and reach way down and light a fire under my SISU. I think it was in the deep freeze for a couple-ten years. Don't look back with woe and regret, just climb through the window already!!!! Yeehaw!

Mmph.

I am feeling a bit draggy this week. I'm not sure if it's the barometer, back to school, recovering from the last week of summer fun, or what. But I'm craving sugar and caffeine like a tired ol' gal.

What about you? Does the change in schedule affect you? I think I have only done two loads of laundry this week. And the Dad has picked up the dishes slack. Sigh.

I'm glad he's so super duper.

Judah ran into a spinning Theo and wound up with a shiner. We had an ice cream (chocy on his face) date while the Bigs were in school. My blahness is showing in this picture.

Russell is starting to sit up.

Time to take my temperature

Over the years, I've used this place to share my struggles with depression and anxiety. Today, as I was washing the tray on my dish drain, I realized, "hey, I'm washing this thing because I noticed it needed washing!"

You know, that kind of every-day thing was so difficult even 2 years ago. We had a clear dish drain tray. It had a lot of build up from our hard water. My husband wanted to pick up a new one, but I put up a big fuss. I did NOT WANT a new one. And I really couldn't keep the one we had clean anymore. I was emotionally attached to the dish drain tray. THE DISH DRAIN TRAY, you guys. Eventually I got a new, white tray. I clean it on a regular basis. And by 'regular' I mean quarterly.

I'm still a terr'ble house keeper. 

Thankful for regular, for quarterly, for walking out of the fog.

My list

It's short and pathetic and long lasting and redundant. 

Wanna hear it? (Again?)

Well, shoooooooh. Here goes!

-I completely suck at managing money

--and earning it

-I'm really fat

--and slowly getting fatter

---my son has commented on how fast I eat

---and his sister calls me Fat & Big Fat, daily when she's frustrated

-I'm self obsessed & 'helpless'

These are all things I can probably change, I can improve.  things I can make better, but they're always gonna be  challenges for me. it's part of who I am, and for now, it's literally weighing me down.

I had a no-show client today. And as I waited for my second client I could feel my anxiety rising. It was as if this client not showing up was like a personal rejection. In actuality, and I think that he is struggling with his own happiness and frustration levels at work and home, it's more of a reflection of his time management than an act of disrespect to me. But I felt like he was stealing from me. I felt guilty for taking time off (we were camping-it was LOVELY) last week. I was stressing about paying bills. About personal commitments I made for this week, thinking about how his generous tip would afford me those commitments. Plotting what I can sell. Questioning myself: if I have to be away from my family, why am I not doing all I can to earn more?

Then, I pulled out my phone, played a game (cut the rope) until my 2nd client arrived. She just got the news her hours are being cut at her job. Plus she has a sty and mono. Those are legit, out-of-her-hands problems. I'm just over here rockin my personal pity party for one. C'mon, Jennifer! Move your BUNS!

Between noon & midnight

Everybody is good at something. I, for example, am really good at a) ignoring being tired at midnight & b) complaining about being tired at noon. Also, I am good at keeping these two things separate so as not to draw conclusions from nor theorize any cause/effect relationships. Absolutely unrelated.

Meanwhile, I've also decided that for myself, web surfing, televisioning, reading, baking, poeticizing, photographing...these activities are equal in value. They are meant to occupy my mind and hands between the moments of living life out loud. Between the conversations, congregating, connections. Between the learning and loving. The between time is like the opening credits, the advert can be skipped in 4 seconds, the prologue!

With that, I bid you goodnight. Happy Relating!

I Love Youse!

Here I am!

When I was in my 20's, I went to San Francisco with a humongous group of friends.  We didn't stay there for more than a day, if my memory serves; we rented minivans to drive to Yosemite and along the Lost Coast.  It was such a beautiful trip.  It was the beginning of the end of an era.  I witnessed my friend falling in love. I got to see my friends seeing the Pacific Ocean for the first time.  I withdrew to my imagination and dreamed of my someday life.  My life with children, as an artist, living in that part of the country.  I loved the sunshine and the raw beauty of the beach, of the golden, tall grasses, of the chill in the air on a July day.  I was moving through my self-induced heart ache, blinking back my embarrassment, learning about accepting the things I cannot change, and simultaneously enjoying this wonderful trip. But to survive the pain of a friendship that was changing, distancing, I had to inflate my imagination.

That story I created has stayed with me.  It is a happy memory of a day-dream, to think of driving down a dusty road with four kids in the back of an old float-boat of a car, my sun-lightened hair in a pony tail...sigh.  Sometimes, because I am that kind of crazy, I get a little sad about that day dream.  Sad because in my imagination, I am light, and free, and airy, and 125 lbs, and younger, braver, artsier, better.  YOU.GUYS.  I am such kind of crazy that I get LONESOME for a me that never was.  {smirk} And you thought YOU were nuts. Not even.

The thing of it is, I felt it today.  I felt the feeling I imagined having. Today.  I was leaving a lake-side park where we'd spent a few hours with my friend and her little darlings.  It's breezy today, sunshiney, cool in the shade...my salon-lightened hair is too short for a pony, and my car is not a beater (PTL), I drove away down the interstate.  All those details were different but that feeling...sigh.  So right. Maybe what this is what 38 does? Helps me see.  Tells me I am here. Stands up, arms waving, "Here I am!"

Thankful for my wonderful friend and this glorious day!!!

30 seconds of disbelief

my hair is matted
my face is flushed
sweat is rolling off my head, down my back

i am sobbing
my whole body is in motion
from mind and heart to feet

this is taking me by complete surprise
one hundred twenty seven seconds of face drenching tears
bend at the waist
crying

and my legs, my feet
they keep moving.
i keep moving through my tears
and confusion of emotion
i keep walking

it started at minute 14
at minute 16:28 i lifted my head up to the ceiling
i let go of the machine in front of me, and
i walked.

every part of me is in motion
in emotion
in regneration, in repair

then a gift
for 30 seconds
my legs and arms swinging
faster than walking
tears again, for the gift of 30 seconds of running
my head floating, my feet RUNNING.

Bagel size fog

There is a denseness or There's a denseness or maybe even a hole in the left side of my head and I need to heal it need to be cool
To be whole
to be healed to be calm
to be apart from the confusion
to be present to be productive to be one

instead of hole-headed I need to be whole-hearted

Hurts Donut

cake donut
chocolate glaze
raised glazed
jelly filled
creme filled
sprinkle
punch in the gut
--hurts, don't it?

often on a saturday MOE will bring me a bavarian cream long john from this place.

sometimes my heart aches for the struggle of a young person, and it burns with the pain that clouds her vision.  i think it's time for some beehive for health. time for prayer--for wisdom and for change and strength to see the value of humility. forgiveness and grace.  please know, my darling, every single person is a work-in-progress.  we know your intentions are only the best, and we are here to help you. let us help. we love you. we do!!  love hurts, don't it?

Oh you GUYS!

My 4 year old is having a hard time getting to sleep tonight. It is 10:24 and the Habinator and I have shooed her back to bed many times already.
"Mom?"
"Hahh?"
"Does 'octogon' start with R?"
"O"
"Then what?"
"We''ll talk about it in the morning."
Pause.  Then a deflated, "Oh."

Daylight savings MY EYE.

in unrelated news, I am procrastinating with Olympian dedication, you guys.  I didn't do a lick of work or even prep today. I did, however, start on crocheting my first hot pad. That'll be real useful. And what-not.
Also, I spent a solid 30 minutes looking up a blog post to share with a client on fb. Then proceeded to  read some old posts. I miss those old days of lots of comments. It's like saving a conversation, you guys. Totally reminiscing about our blog-lationship, my bloginators! Lovin Y'ALL.

X2O (that is kiss to da hug) holla!

fruesday

they say tuesday is the most productive day of the week.  i was feeling all fired up and organized this morning, patting myself on the back for my pep. then, then...dun dun dunnnn... i opened a whole other can of worms: my pocketbook.
if you are ever wondering about how i am doing, like, all fronts down, really truly doing, take a gander in my purse or my car.  if you see a tornado, you'll know things are pretty much a stressfest between the ears.
sigh.
suvi and judah have been coughing for at least 3 weeks now. it seems to be getting better, then they get another wave. someone has been up in the night nearly every night. i am exhausted. and when i am tired, i start to fret about everything. i would like to be on a 70º beach, with some shades (my sunnies are lost), a liter of water, and time to soak it in. oh, and an organized bag stocked with cash-to-the-o-l-a.
for lunch i would like a burito-the kind i had with melanie in santa barbara.
after perusing some artsy, crafty, cool shops, i will take a book into that hammock hanging in the sun. i will meet my family for an early supper, where everyone eats a heaping pile of veggies happily, followed by a walk on the beach, finding treasures. once the kids are effotlessly in bed, the hubs and i will watch a movie in the beach-facing living-room.
and did i say there will be no whining? not even from the kids?

now that i had my little break with reality, i hope i can get back into that productivity high.
i *am* thankful for this sunshiney day.

PEACE.

Raw foods have higher nutrient values than foods which have been cooked

that is what i read from a super trusty source, wikipedia.

but you know what? i'm not thinking about food, i'm thinking about soul food, raw emotion, and process.
i'm thinking that there is something beautiful inside this raw feeling i have in my heart and there-abouts. i am thinking that distance is tangible, need is imagined, perception is sometimes a chokey smokey telescope, obsession is shrinkable, curiosity is inflammatory.

but. i do believe that all this rawttitude, rawtivity, rawxclamations, warm and malleable, contribute greatly to the life experience.  perspective and relativity is pretty much the most important tool in examining the raw soul food.

AAAACK!

p.s. have you guessed my anxiety is binding then icing the underside of my breast bone? right between my heart and lungs and the upper rib cage i can feel this little red anxiety monster squeezing my lungs with his toes and icing my heart with huge icy mittens.

i am feeling insecure in some of my personal relationships, lonesome, and beating myself up.  i'll feel better soon.  i know.  i always get through the fields of tangle weed doubt.  and i hope the cause of my insecurities is just a personal rough patch and not a true reflection of the condition of a very important station of my heart.

......
in other news, Theo went to school every day last week.  and today, too!  today he told me the only part of school he doesn't like is LEAVING!

Before I forget...

Yesterday, I heard a man say, "you accept as much love as you believe you deserve."  It makes so very much sense to me. So when I am feeling blue, or dark and down on myself, it doesn't matter how much love is being sent my way. My receptors are blocked. Like battery connectors? Just pour a little coca cola on 'em to clean 'em up?

When sorting through piles of randomness in my kitchen, I found many lovely cards from my beautiful friends. Lib, Jan, Ann, Nancy, Dee...thank you.  Your notes and sentiments brightened my day when they arrived, and again yesterday when my receptors were cleaned.

LOVE.

What's your thing?

What is the thing that sends you into your superpower?
How did you find your super special superpower? And how did you recognize it?

What I am asking you is, what are you really good at and how do you know?   Tell me how it makes you feel, what you think while you are performing your mad superpower skilz.

When I am "behind the chair," as we say in the hair biz, I am comfortable, relaxed, sure. I don't know if it is my superpower really, but I do enjoy my work.  That I must depend on the choice of others to do my work is tough.  People have to want to be in my chair.  They have to make a choice about whether to pay for hair services and to whom they will give their business.  It doesn't matter if I am suddenly in the mood to do hair, it matters if you, my client, are in the mood to come in!

Yes, hairdressing gives me enjoyment.  Yet something is missing,  I want more. More focus, more stick-to-it-ness, more confidence.  Not less hairdressing. More of that, too, please.
Hmm.
...
Recently I asked a friend who is progressing on a plan for healthier, or as she says clean eating, how she is achieving her success.  "I just do it, even when I don't want to."  That piece is a mountainous challenge for me.  The 'I don't want to' sits between my shoulder blades and wants to keep me in my chair. To shift my attitude about daily life tasks and goals, I am listing the work  I complete, rather than my former tendency of bemoaning what I cannot/have not done. It is easy and predictable to be miserable, right? It takes work to have the view from the mountain top. Stupid verticals. Stupid smart friends. Wait. What? No, stupid misery.

Would you like to see my list for today?

• Blogged with words.
• Lined up Gram to watch the kids a couple times in the next two weeks.
• Trimmed Theo's hair.
• Walked up and down the driveway, pulling Judah in the wagon.
• Kept that last one on the bullet list, even though I fear it isn't worthy of mention, but it is a baby step for me in cleaner living, so i know it is important to keep it on the list.

Do you keep a list for yourself?  

Peace for the week! jt.

picanica

today was the sunday school picnic.  i was hot and cranky, but happy to be out of the house with the whole family.  the dad came, too. {YAY!} i think all the pregnant women and new babies were making him a little nervous ;) it was a sunshiney day: with lots of water, running, climbing, and no sunburns!  i am a fringes kind of girl, but i still got to chat a bit with a few pals. we brought a humongous apple pie from costco, and had to bring half of it home. {yay!}

on dad's lap during the service.  theo asked his dad to please, please, please come to the picnic today.  i really was hoping he'd come, too, but theo's invitation was un-decline-able.

i love to see all these boys travel in their pack. so cute.

gram's water bottle sprung a leak. she was spraying it into judah's mouth. suvi really wanted to be with the big girls at the table, but she was too shy to get acquainted.

we were all so hot when we got home. habinator put the sprinkler on for the kids.  i stayed inside in the a/c and did not pay attention to what judey was wearing until he came in.

undies. white (well, they used to be) thomas "just in time" undies.  too funny.  he is far from being potty trained. cute to see his chubby hinder in unders!!

........

i'm feeling a little raw lately.  lots of stress and self doubts. last night i couldn't fall asleep til after 2.  i did all my tricks with no luck. i got up and played on my ipad for a stretch and then started to feel sleepy.  this hasn't happened to me for many years (i mean, many nights in a row of insomnia).  it may be due to my pharm changes.  i'm looking to get it under control before the middle of july.  i have very important people to see in july.  right before i turn 37.  

every blooming oddity in my bod now, i freak out that i am starting menopause.  i still feel and act like i am 24, so this is very frightening to me, who is so young in her own nutser mind. oh! and super sweats.  my head just drips just doing things around the house. normal things that shouldn't make me sweat like i just finished my 'sweatin' to the oldies' video. my own personal summer. and the chin hairs.  ish!

........

what do you have going on this week? i get to see 2 old friends (separately). i want to slow down time so i can have a long leisurely summer like when i was 14. or even 24.  i think i need some ice tea tomorrow.

......

love and confidence to all y'all.  that's what i'm wanting this week, for l'il ol' me!!!!!

rhymes with 'oop'

blip. blop. bloop.


i just can't get the engine to turn over
but the radio works
i just cant get the seat adjusted
but the mirrors are okay.
my foot doesn't reach the accelerator,
but the hand brake works.
fine.
just FINE.


........
beep.boop.
.........
rebooting....
.........

Kids, I am feeling a little Eeyore-ish, or Droopy.

.....

So, I just previewed my blog and the pictures of these characters made me laugh.  :)

I have just been totally not raring to go, but that is just fine. No, really.  I have been enjoying not having appointments to get to or basically any commitments other than my evening gig at the MOE.  

Today I sorted and organized and collected toys for over 2 hours.  I was actually sweating.  Then when I look at them all lined up in the bins, it doesn't look like we are drowning in toys.  I like this look.  I was drilling into the kids, "I am happy that you pick up the toys in your bedroom. Be sure to put them back in the proper bins.  The PROPER bins.  Okay?"  They were like, yeah yeah.  I mean, does it really matter if they are put back into proper bins? Not really.  And they so enjoy when they rediscover a long lost item, unearthed from a misplacement during clean up time.  

I haven't been sleeping well the last few days.  Which makes me tired in the morning, which is why I drink coffee so late into the day, which is why, I'm only guessing here, I can't sleep at night.  It is a terrible cycle which can only be broken on a very busy day.  Like Saturday.  Until then, I'll read into the wee hours, yawn after the sun comes up and enjoy my coffee and diet Coke in between!

....

if you are at all in the mood for a kiddo update, judah has fallen in love with books.  he wants to read thomas the train stories 11 times in a row.  i tend to make it to 4 reads through before i start him in a different direction.  it's fun tho'.  tonight i was reading Percy and The Dragon (don't worry, it's a paper dragon for the parade).  judah was entranced and gasped and oh no'ed at just the right moments.  i love that we can read it and then read it again immediately and he is still into the suspense of the story just as much.  sweet Love.

suvi is truly aware of beauty.  she notices fancy and beautiful ladies where ever we go.  yesterday at the store, she wanted me to tell the clerk how beautiful she is.  it is sort of a weird thing to just give someone such a personal and subjective observational compliment. so shyly i say, "my daughter wants you to know she thinks you are so pretty." of course the lady is tickled to hear these words, bridged from my four year old daughter.  i've been spreading these kinds of rainbows all over town lately. sweet Love.

i have been feeling inept when it comes to our theo.  he's just so smart and sensitive, it scares me.  he has taught himself to read.  he is drawing and coloring so very carefully.  it amazes me how he has grown and learned so much.  i dread the start of kindergarten for my sake, and i'm thrilled for his sake.  he is ready to start his first steps away from mama.  i am so proud of him.  every success he has is just another squeeze on my heart. this is the joy of motherhood. (the whining and moaning and begging, well, that is another story.)  sweet Love.

...

Happy Thursday, Peeps!  xo

jen-nay

5 things I can hear...

Refrigerator humming, ac running next door, theo sneezing, hub sighing, fingers typing.

Five things I can see...
Laundry basket full with two FOLDED loads of clothes, finger paint on the curtains, yogurt on the bench, Barbie flip flops, Finnish for Foreigners 1 & 2.

Five things I can feel...
Chaco flip flops on my feet, fresh haircut (courtesy of yours truly), wooden bench with my bear/bare legs, satin pillow case, fan on low blowing on my feet.

This is an exercise I do when I have trouble falling asleep. Next I would count 4, then 3, etc of each of those three senses. It really helps me relax. I was sitting here snooping around on "spacechook", then repinning like a mad woman on pinterest, thinking that I am so not sleepy. Just WRITING out my list brought me back down to 'ready for bed' mode. Sometimes I stand next to my bed and do deep breathing...that helps, too.

Do you have any tricks?
By the way, I am a huge fan of satin pillow cases for the long hair peeps. It's a little different at first, if you are like me and in love with vintage embroidered cases, but it is easier on the hair. Especially since I don't wash my hair every day...I like to keep it in good shape.

Anyhoosey doosey, I am all set for some zzz's. Sleep tight!

Walking, swimming, celebrating

There are so many thoughts and happenings I want to share with you. BUT when I take that moment to breathe and to exhale my stacks of files of wordy words, only AIR comes out.
--- Today we walked to swim class. 1 mile plus 1 mile makes two miles. The weather was perfect- sunny, but not too hot; my mind was as clear as the blue skies. It's not a great distance, I know, but it is the act, the desire, the follow through that is the important piece for me. It is happening, however slowly: reason and practicality have started making some headway in my life again!
--- Maybe it is because the dryer broke. Maybe enough time has passed. The fog is lifting and the hinges are getting oiled, one by one.
--- Today is Judah's birthday. Oh my dear heart! Mama loves you so! I am so happy you came to our family. The day you were born changed my life in a way I had never anticipated. Your breaths were short and labored, it took a little extra time for my body to stop bleeding and start healing. I was scared when you went with Daddy and the nurse to the special care nursery. I prayed you would be healthy. You are! I prayed to be allowed to take care of you. I asked God to give me peace in my heart, to keep me healthy for you and your brother and sister. He did it all! Happy birthday, Judey. You are one spectacular two year old.---
 Happy Monday night and Tuesday, everybody!!

me and my
living under his
tho i walk through the valley of the

...shadow of my part.

from the...

street,

street,

street.

i really wanted to take a self portrait of me acting 'street', but haven't, as of yet.

and, silhouette.  it's not a perfect silhouette, but this *is* a perfect boy!

day 2, motion

swim lessons.

.....

today i cancelled my netflix and the internet on my phone.  i started making a list of things to sell, and i even priced out a few things: our granite lazy susan, my finnish table ware, the car dvd player... and planned to add some daytime hours to my salon schedule, as well as a regular chunk of time each week for creative endeavors, mainly sewing.  i'm serious.  because i am so happy and fulfilled when i am busy and when i can pay my bills on time.  do you want to buy anything you've ever seen from this house? i was even thinking about trying to sell our bed frame and the vintage sewing machine upstairs.  and the kids' dressers.  and half our clothes.  and the music table thingy.  maybe the double stroller?  i want more space in this house and more breathing room in my checking account.  i want to stop treading water and start...SWIMMING!

happy wednesday to you fishies!!

LOVE.