Hoooooooh.

Feeling a bit nutser right now. There are some huge stressors hanging over my head right now...and nothing that I can share. But, if you have a moment, breathe deep with me. I got some crap to take care of.

Wishing and Hoping

You know, I can do all the wishin' and hopin' my little head is capable of, but sometimes it's --wait, MOST times, it is the moving and doing that gets me what needs getting.
Sigh.
It's New Year's Eve.  We are out of bread.  I am rather handy at baking bread these days, BUT...i don't WANT to. Pout, pout. I'm going to wake up tomorrow, and either we will have bread or we won't.  It is up.to.me.
It means change. It means stop moping because "things" are changing, and get with it.  DUDE! Do you want the bread?  Then get off of your money maker and get.the.bacon. Er, bread.
Yesterday I had lunch with some girlfriends.  It was so right and fun and encouraging.
   "You don't know everything.  Use all the tools that are available to you," said one fine friend.
Isn't she smart? SO SMART! My friends may not have known how much they were encouraging me; I was debating over taking one of the kids into the clinic, but that encouragement is flowing over to today as well.  I am going to bake my bread already.  And I called the (cue dramatic, scary music)...BANK.  I've been needing to do it for a month, but kept putting it off.
You are looking at an independent contractor (still in the salon where I have been employed for the last 10.5 years).  I needed to set up my bank account to accept plastic payment.  I will not be accepting rubber payment, so if you are broke, Girrrrl, reschedule. :) I have been hesitant/nervous/procrastinating switching over for several years and for many reasons...like, there was that 30 question test (which is not difficult) that I had to take. Twice. There is the purchasing of my own supplies.  There is the setting aside and paying of taxes.  There is the responsibility for my own success.  It is happening, Baby! I AM in charge of my business.
What a great friend and mentor my former boss and current Salon Owner has turned out to be.  He had to really push me quite definitely and firmly to make this change.  He has been gently nudging me for, seriously you guys, three years.  He and his bride are just good peeps. I feel very fortunate to have been able to grow up and through this decade at Mark of Excellence.
The folks around me are my tools, and collectively, they know so very much about living.  I will forever be a wisher and hope-er. A hesitant doer.  Ima jus do eet.
Happy New Year!
Here's hopin y'all are doin fine and baking your proverbial bread!  WiHOOOO!
2014 in da HA-OUSE!
Feel free to say a little prayer for me!

idaho vs yukon gold

Sometimes, like all the time, I feel like a baked potato. Not a beautifully foil wrapped, olive oil bathed, sea salted, wood fire baked potato. No. An electric oven, scrubbed and placed on the rack, gray-skinned, unseasoned baked potato. I'm warm, I'm filling, I'm palatable, I'm B.L.A.N.D.  It is part of my signature mid-western self-loathing. I want to be the most interesting, sultry potato EVER.

All of this tater talk comes today because I was listening to This American Life on my way home from work. The wife of the main character has a lovely voice. You know, I don't need to be a Bosnian refugee. I think, safety and security-wise, this American life of mine is just right.  But her voice. Lovely. ;)

Here I am!

When I was in my 20's, I went to San Francisco with a humongous group of friends.  We didn't stay there for more than a day, if my memory serves; we rented minivans to drive to Yosemite and along the Lost Coast.  It was such a beautiful trip.  It was the beginning of the end of an era.  I witnessed my friend falling in love. I got to see my friends seeing the Pacific Ocean for the first time.  I withdrew to my imagination and dreamed of my someday life.  My life with children, as an artist, living in that part of the country.  I loved the sunshine and the raw beauty of the beach, of the golden, tall grasses, of the chill in the air on a July day.  I was moving through my self-induced heart ache, blinking back my embarrassment, learning about accepting the things I cannot change, and simultaneously enjoying this wonderful trip. But to survive the pain of a friendship that was changing, distancing, I had to inflate my imagination.

That story I created has stayed with me.  It is a happy memory of a day-dream, to think of driving down a dusty road with four kids in the back of an old float-boat of a car, my sun-lightened hair in a pony tail...sigh.  Sometimes, because I am that kind of crazy, I get a little sad about that day dream.  Sad because in my imagination, I am light, and free, and airy, and 125 lbs, and younger, braver, artsier, better.  YOU.GUYS.  I am such kind of crazy that I get LONESOME for a me that never was.  {smirk} And you thought YOU were nuts. Not even.

The thing of it is, I felt it today.  I felt the feeling I imagined having. Today.  I was leaving a lake-side park where we'd spent a few hours with my friend and her little darlings.  It's breezy today, sunshiney, cool in the shade...my salon-lightened hair is too short for a pony, and my car is not a beater (PTL), I drove away down the interstate.  All those details were different but that feeling...sigh.  So right. Maybe what this is what 38 does? Helps me see.  Tells me I am here. Stands up, arms waving, "Here I am!"

Thankful for my wonderful friend and this glorious day!!!

it's nothing that a little scrubbing can't fix

combine equal parts dish soap and vinegar in one of those wand dish scrubbers. clean your sink, clean your shower. be happy.

that's what happens to me when i can get our shower a little sparklier. you can leave this wand in your shower and just do a quick scrub on the walls while you are showering. or, you can go in there during nap time wearing your flip flops and scrub, scrub, scrub your worries away. 

my thoughts are a little raw today...not bad, really, just super earthy...like when you can smell the rain before it comes, or like how the humidity rises when the sun comes out. 

um...NO.
not like that at all.
more like when you drink coffee because you like the taste of it, even though you know it will keep you up half the night. or stay out in the sun without sunscreen because the heat is just.so.right. i have been letting thoughts roll around in my little head that should be rolling on through. I AM PLAYING 'LET'S PRETEND'.
cleaning the bathroom today gave me some relief from my imagination.  and some sparkle.

chew on that.

Hmm

I know you know this, but I was just reminded again: life is just too short not to be nice. Too short not to do the right thing. Too short not to be honest, humble, welcoming. Too short to be miserable. Life is too short to wait to start living. Do it now. Be nice now. Apologize now. Get going. Say 'I love you' now. And it's not so much about you, or me, it is about the people around us.