I'll cry your tears

...even and especially if you didn't ask.

At church on Sunday, I made the lady sitting next to me cry. She has a special place in my heart because she moved far away from her parents and siblings when she was a young, red sports car driving, chick TO MARRY A MINNESOTA BOY. I wanted to move far, far away when I was a young, city bus riding, chick. 

When you're young, it's likely you can't look to the future: your spring brain doesn't yet know what it doesn't know. Youth is a risk taking season. It's energizing and summer lasts a really long time. I married a feller who took a youthful leap into adventure far away from home...these are my people.

And so, sitting in my pew there four rows from the back, I observed a brother (who is now local) smile with his whole face when his sister walked up the aisle towards him. She lives 6 or 7 or 8 hours away, I think, and it was just lovely to see these siblings embrace. Then. Hot tears filled my eyes so that when I stopped being nosey and looked back to my song book, the words were swimming. Tears for the woman next to me who doesn't get to embrace her brother on a (somewhat random) Sunday morning. Over-seas is really far away when you'd do well with a hug from your brother.

And because sometimes my release involves an other, I had to tell her my thoughts. And that I had absorbed some of the sting she has coped with and sorted in her many years in her "new" home. 

My tears were for you. I see you. I recognize that you have sacrificed. Immigrants are fascinating folks. You are super rad. (Also I'm sorry for the unplanned cry session. 😬)

Word up!

Release.

 •expectations 

 •habits that are, or have become,  unnecessary

 •joy, so it can bounce around 

unregulated

 •shame 

 •fear

 •my truth.

That's my word for 2016 (or 5-4, in my personal, on-going need for math (*/4)): R-e-l-e-a-s-e. I'm going all Elsa up in here an' gonna Let It Go, y'all!

Happy New Year!!!!

Wishing and Hoping

You know, I can do all the wishin' and hopin' my little head is capable of, but sometimes it's --wait, MOST times, it is the moving and doing that gets me what needs getting.
Sigh.
It's New Year's Eve.  We are out of bread.  I am rather handy at baking bread these days, BUT...i don't WANT to. Pout, pout. I'm going to wake up tomorrow, and either we will have bread or we won't.  It is up.to.me.
It means change. It means stop moping because "things" are changing, and get with it.  DUDE! Do you want the bread?  Then get off of your money maker and get.the.bacon. Er, bread.
Yesterday I had lunch with some girlfriends.  It was so right and fun and encouraging.
   "You don't know everything.  Use all the tools that are available to you," said one fine friend.
Isn't she smart? SO SMART! My friends may not have known how much they were encouraging me; I was debating over taking one of the kids into the clinic, but that encouragement is flowing over to today as well.  I am going to bake my bread already.  And I called the (cue dramatic, scary music)...BANK.  I've been needing to do it for a month, but kept putting it off.
You are looking at an independent contractor (still in the salon where I have been employed for the last 10.5 years).  I needed to set up my bank account to accept plastic payment.  I will not be accepting rubber payment, so if you are broke, Girrrrl, reschedule. :) I have been hesitant/nervous/procrastinating switching over for several years and for many reasons...like, there was that 30 question test (which is not difficult) that I had to take. Twice. There is the purchasing of my own supplies.  There is the setting aside and paying of taxes.  There is the responsibility for my own success.  It is happening, Baby! I AM in charge of my business.
What a great friend and mentor my former boss and current Salon Owner has turned out to be.  He had to really push me quite definitely and firmly to make this change.  He has been gently nudging me for, seriously you guys, three years.  He and his bride are just good peeps. I feel very fortunate to have been able to grow up and through this decade at Mark of Excellence.
The folks around me are my tools, and collectively, they know so very much about living.  I will forever be a wisher and hope-er. A hesitant doer.  Ima jus do eet.
Happy New Year!
Here's hopin y'all are doin fine and baking your proverbial bread!  WiHOOOO!
2014 in da HA-OUSE!
Feel free to say a little prayer for me!

I'm sort of confused.

There is some battle happening on fb. One woman posted photos of her toned bod post kids, asking, "what is your excuse?" In response, many people have shamed her for sharing her perspective, her values. Today I saw yet another response rebuking this fit Mom, with a photo of her self, naked, soft, but not obese, body.

I just want to understand these women. The second is judging the first for wanting to push women to push themselves. The second woman felt judged by the first. You know what, Ladies? If you are feeling judged, you are exposing/protesting the wrong part of your body. 

If you perceive judgement, it is your brain that needs flexing. Why do you want to correct or hold yourself apart? It is trivial to me, who has been morbidly obese for the past 10 years. I don't make excuses; I don't make healthy choices. Do I get down about my cankles and my hanging belly? Yes. Do you, who gets out for walks every day & does not have a compulsion to eat fast food MAKE me feel bad? No. You might judge me, but that's your business. I totally judge fat people, too, but just in my head. Because we understand our weakness is visible to everybody. I am vain, too. I take selfies- just from the elbow up!

I hope to choose kindness. I hope to choose love. I hope to be generous. In my words, thoughts, and in my deeds. You know, Jesus was born in a lowly stable, amongst the animals. Maybe we can choose to set aside our pride, be gracious and grateful, and enjoy this beautiful season of love! Let's do!

 

Fit, Flabby, or Fatty- Merry Christmas to you!

Look what I made!

Presh is going to a birthday party tomorrow & she wanted to give her friend a homemade gift.  I searched 'easy purse' and found a simple template here: http://www.tinyhappy.typepad.com/tiny_happy/2006/06/shoulder_bag_tu.html. I am such a rookie sewer, but I do enjoy it! 

Shirley gave me the neon fabric a few years ago & I picked up the polka dotted square ages back. 

Using materials we have in the house makes me so happy!

Here is the purse with my phone so you can see the size. The base of the original template is 17", mine is 10". I chose to make a smaller purse because of my fabric size as well as the size of the birthday girl. She's 6!

I typically don't follow a pattern when I sew...let me tell you, it was so much easier! Creating my own visions is fun, but this little bag is very easy to make. The only frustration I had was finding a button. The button I found has a little glitter. Super festive!

Suvi asked that we put something in the purse, so I found two post it pads that match the green and blue.

From time to time

You'll find I drop in on the ol' girl to see how she is faring.

I must say this is one blogging break for which I feel no guilt! That's liberating, isn't it? I should say so!

----

I opened my drawing app tonight to find this lovely message from my daughter:

It was a happy surprise!

.....

My friend's younger sister passed away today. My heart broke for all the family and ones who love her so. XO.

Here I am!

When I was in my 20's, I went to San Francisco with a humongous group of friends.  We didn't stay there for more than a day, if my memory serves; we rented minivans to drive to Yosemite and along the Lost Coast.  It was such a beautiful trip.  It was the beginning of the end of an era.  I witnessed my friend falling in love. I got to see my friends seeing the Pacific Ocean for the first time.  I withdrew to my imagination and dreamed of my someday life.  My life with children, as an artist, living in that part of the country.  I loved the sunshine and the raw beauty of the beach, of the golden, tall grasses, of the chill in the air on a July day.  I was moving through my self-induced heart ache, blinking back my embarrassment, learning about accepting the things I cannot change, and simultaneously enjoying this wonderful trip. But to survive the pain of a friendship that was changing, distancing, I had to inflate my imagination.

That story I created has stayed with me.  It is a happy memory of a day-dream, to think of driving down a dusty road with four kids in the back of an old float-boat of a car, my sun-lightened hair in a pony tail...sigh.  Sometimes, because I am that kind of crazy, I get a little sad about that day dream.  Sad because in my imagination, I am light, and free, and airy, and 125 lbs, and younger, braver, artsier, better.  YOU.GUYS.  I am such kind of crazy that I get LONESOME for a me that never was.  {smirk} And you thought YOU were nuts. Not even.

The thing of it is, I felt it today.  I felt the feeling I imagined having. Today.  I was leaving a lake-side park where we'd spent a few hours with my friend and her little darlings.  It's breezy today, sunshiney, cool in the shade...my salon-lightened hair is too short for a pony, and my car is not a beater (PTL), I drove away down the interstate.  All those details were different but that feeling...sigh.  So right. Maybe what this is what 38 does? Helps me see.  Tells me I am here. Stands up, arms waving, "Here I am!"

Thankful for my wonderful friend and this glorious day!!!

it's nothing that a little scrubbing can't fix

combine equal parts dish soap and vinegar in one of those wand dish scrubbers. clean your sink, clean your shower. be happy.

that's what happens to me when i can get our shower a little sparklier. you can leave this wand in your shower and just do a quick scrub on the walls while you are showering. or, you can go in there during nap time wearing your flip flops and scrub, scrub, scrub your worries away. 

my thoughts are a little raw today...not bad, really, just super earthy...like when you can smell the rain before it comes, or like how the humidity rises when the sun comes out. 

um...NO.
not like that at all.
more like when you drink coffee because you like the taste of it, even though you know it will keep you up half the night. or stay out in the sun without sunscreen because the heat is just.so.right. i have been letting thoughts roll around in my little head that should be rolling on through. I AM PLAYING 'LET'S PRETEND'.
cleaning the bathroom today gave me some relief from my imagination.  and some sparkle.

chew on that.

Hmm

I know you know this, but I was just reminded again: life is just too short not to be nice. Too short not to do the right thing. Too short not to be honest, humble, welcoming. Too short to be miserable. Life is too short to wait to start living. Do it now. Be nice now. Apologize now. Get going. Say 'I love you' now. And it's not so much about you, or me, it is about the people around us. 

Oh you GUYS!

My 4 year old is having a hard time getting to sleep tonight. It is 10:24 and the Habinator and I have shooed her back to bed many times already.
"Mom?"
"Hahh?"
"Does 'octogon' start with R?"
"O"
"Then what?"
"We''ll talk about it in the morning."
Pause.  Then a deflated, "Oh."

Daylight savings MY EYE.

in unrelated news, I am procrastinating with Olympian dedication, you guys.  I didn't do a lick of work or even prep today. I did, however, start on crocheting my first hot pad. That'll be real useful. And what-not.
Also, I spent a solid 30 minutes looking up a blog post to share with a client on fb. Then proceeded to  read some old posts. I miss those old days of lots of comments. It's like saving a conversation, you guys. Totally reminiscing about our blog-lationship, my bloginators! Lovin Y'ALL.

X2O (that is kiss to da hug) holla!

High on Hairspray

Last night I hosted my friends at my work place: 1st Annual Hair*Do Palooza. Eight were able to make it, and as much as I wished the others could have come, too, it was the perfect amount of fun/work for me.  I did updos for a solid 2 hours.  They were not sleep-in sturdy, but it was fun to put a little teasing and pouf into the hair of my pals.

i found this drawing on google to use as a template for the stitching on one of the chair covers.

for the chair covers, i used a sheet, an apron, a t-shirt (kitty), denim with triangles that matched the banner, and a bedskirt (white & orange). you can see a little bit of color at the top of the front window- felt hearts i had picked up from Christmas clearance a few years ago.

these straws (found here) were part of what prompted me to plan a party. i simply had to find a reason to order them!

so good to see you, girls!

monday movement

breathe in two, three, four,
hold, two, three, four,
release to............eight.

under my skin
under the muscle
a burning hot fabric wraps around my lungs
pulling tighter, stinging heat
winding up my throat

breathe, two, three, four

pull that air down past the lungs to my belly
cool the grip
loosen the hold

close my eyes
the heat moves off my lungs
      to my shoulders, my tears

breathing two, three, four

and it's gone.
.........

i've been having some disruptive thoughts this morning.
the night was full of dreams. not bad dreams, just disruptive.
i have been longing for times gone by, aching for earlier couches
    and simpler pains.
my thoughts started to weigh heavy on my chest, and i was searching,
searching my brain to find the source of this angst.
then it hit me.
someone i love moved across the country last week.  i didn't have much time to prepare, or even to say more than 'good luck & good-bye!' i've needed to grieve or absorb this change, needed to talk about it, but haven't been able to find a conversation.
the connection to those disruptive thoughts, perhaps, is that the loss is similar. my loved one who moved will always be part of my life, but i will surely miss being in the same room with her. the obsessive thoughts that tried to spur an anxiety attack this morning, are tied to a person from my past from whom i moved away. we never had an official 'good-bye'.
things change, people change, responsibilities change, expectations change.
addresses change.
(last names change, too, thankfully!)

happy, friendly, sunshiney

the cd player in my kitchen radio magically started working today after a few friendly taps. DON WILLIAMS in da haaaaaaus! it was a gift from my friend.

i'm happy about that.
my friend moved back home here from 2 1/2 years of living in warm climate. she's freezing her booty off.
i'm happy she's here. and she might have to stock up on pocket warmers and long underwear.
my friend is very persistant and doesn't like to let me be a hermit. she keeps asking me to go to the couples' party coming up.
i'm so happy she doesn't give up on me.

i like how brits pronounce salty:  'saultee'. feels sort of like a celebration, doesn't it. right.

um, one thing, tho. guys? how do i go about creating a schedule? aiyaiyaiiiiiieeeeee!
 and because banjos make me happy...

Well, here we are

I find myself wanting to burrow. Change=challenge=growth=good. It's a little something I picked up from an intelligent woman I have the privilege of knowing.

I have known for a few years that some New & Improved is trying to scooch in on my life. But I push it back down whenever it pops up. Change be scary up in hee-yah, y'all. I was the kid who never pulled out a loose tooth. I let it wiggle around in my smile until it freed itself from my little girl mouth. I would push it with my tongue and and test it with my fingers, but I did not pull. I saved them, too, in my desk drawer until I went to college. Serious.

So it should come as no surprise that I keep closing the windows when the winds of change come a blowin'. I am going to apply for the next level of cosmetology license; it's called a managers license, but I call it a big scam to squeeze more money out of me. (actually, the fee for my licensure is really quite reasonable, but this manager's lic. just seems silly. I will be no more qualified for what I do, but I will be allowed to legally go out on my own.) at this point I haven't any plan of leaving MOE, but with the new insurance and tax laws, it might be better for MOE if I become a contractor. This also means that I could have a change of venue. SO MUCH UNKNOWN. Maybe a little Mohawks&Mullets Salon in our dining room? The new year will be exciting, it seems.

CHANGE=CHALLENGE=GROWTH=GOOD.

Have a fantastic Friday. If you'll be traveling for the Thanksgiving holiday, I wish you smooth sailing. I am thankful for my dear family, these bright children, clean water, a minister I've known for a quarter of a century, a super duper husband, and I am thankful for you, my friend.

You B the winner!

You Better, You Better, You Bet(te), are the winner! Watch your mail box, my friend.


p.s. I miss you and I love you, Bette!

HEY! I have a S-YOOPER idea!!!

You know what would cheer me up? It always works.  Give something away!!!!  Yep.
I'm going to do it.
A while back I ordered a T-Shirt for this very occasion.
If you are interested in sporting this lovely pink t with a white silhouette of the U.P. in size XL (it's pretty roomy, by the looks of it), leave a comment on this post including your idea of how to de-funk. You know, something that makes you get over yourself, get fired up, get moving and shakin', get perspective.  I want to hear something POSITIVE!!

 I was not trying to drink the UP, I was trying to give it a little smooch. AND point to the Copper Country.

906 in the HIZOUSE!

i'll do a drawing Monday 12 November. Probably.

we had 12 solid hours of halloween

first off, this was saturday morning's windshield. saturday morning, when my husband got up with the kids and i shut off my alarm clock and woke up 20 minutes before i was due at work and i desperately needed a shower yet went to work armed with bobby pins, powder and deodorant.

i had to take a moment to get a photo tho. so pretty, the frost.

i am not a huge fan of scary halloween.  but i love to help the kids execute their visions and imaginings as best i can.  theo wanted to be a vampire. i was going to make him a cape, but thankfully i found one for 6 bucks. the make-up i ordered arrived on monday. his cape came with teeth. bonus!

the tie is red.

judah was nervous of me when i came home from preschool at lunchtime with some dark eyes. i love dramatic eye make-up. he kept hiding his face from me, so i wiped most of it off in order to smooch on him.  

i was very surprised that he wanted to paint his face this evening.  i was doing theo or suvi's make-up when he woke up from his nap, and he just went right for the red.  he had a little hodge podge costume, cuz that's how i roll: easy costumes for 2 year old boys.  

suvi could hardly sleep last night with excitement for preschool today.  she was a cute kitty (who looked like a bunny) in the morning, and a vampire kitty for trick-or-treating.

since about january, my precious dolly girl was planning on being a spy for halloween. monday she changed directions-- decided to be a cat. shirls made a faux fur wrap for me to wear on my wedding day. she gave me a target bag packed with the left-over fur; i am so glad! i made a little pink sweatshirt/jacket to go under suvi's fur. she wore it TO preschool, but wore her winter coat when we went out begging for candy.  

she was very sure to be polite and cheerful to all the neighbor's. and to mention it for props from mom on what a polite trick-or-treat-er she is. DARLING.  one or two groups came to our door once we were home.  she handed out the candy.  we just had to chuckle after the last group when she said, "that was so nice of them to drop by for some candy!"  AAH! this girl is completely absolutely fabulous.

judah did two rounds of going to bed.  the first round he couldn't fall asleep.  he was too wound up to eat earlier & the kid was just plain hungry. we fed him. (i know. we are super good parents. he even got a bath tonight.) he came out on the step with me to blow out the candles in our jack-o-lanterns. "nigh-night, pumpkinsth."

the big kids went to bed easily/happily.  they were literally bouncing around all day in anticipation of the big event.  my nephew stopped in with his buddy right before bed time and that was icing on the cake. hockey helmets, long mullets, glasses...those guys are the best!  theo, still jumping, said, "today was the best day of my life!" which is what he said the last time kevin visited us. 

judah's toes as he was sitting with me on the couch watching the last few minutes of Masterpiece Theater's Upstairs/Downstairs and then William&Mary. Watch them. Seriously.

all in all, it was a super fun day. no one, including me, had any melt-downs. i got to visit with my friend this morning, carve pumpkins in the afternoon, go for an evening stroll, eat candy, watch tube, and blog.
WAHOOOOOO!

sigh.

i realized something tonight.
or, something was revealed to me tonight.
 and it is a message and a lesson i have learned and forgotten many times over in my life.
miracles do happen.
things are not what they seem to be.

Jesus healed the blind man to heal me, to call me to Him, to guide me.  to keep me on the path.

i have been lamenting the unfairness of the trials of others lately.  i have been despairing over illness and heartbreak and economics. i have not been breathing gratitude or trust. i have been listening to the world and the darkness and falling into the shadows.

i don't want my doubts and weaknesses to push others into the dark.

i am so thankful for the fellowship of my Christian friends, and that God speaks to me through them, pricks my conscience and reassures me through our ministers, and returns me to His fold when i am lost and wandering.

the stress and the heartache that an illness can bring to a family can be so trying. but seeing that He lifts up His children, carries them with the peace and strength and faith...it is a miracle.

ack. my words just seem so inadequate for what is in my heart tonight. i have to remind you, Jesus healed the blind man to heal you, too.  God does have a plan.  we can trust that He will carry us in our times of need.

from our song book, Spiritual Hymns and Songs, number 187 Bride of Mine
   2.  "I will lift the weak and fainting In my arms to lie and rest; With the balm of love your thirsting Soul is satisfied and blest.
   3.  So another footstep onward,  Bravely you can take below, Where you are by cares surrounded In the wilderness of woe.
   4.  On my bosom rest serenely; Do not fear, My dearest child; Keep your heart always open for Me Where I can fore'er abide."

Before I forget...

Yesterday, I heard a man say, "you accept as much love as you believe you deserve."  It makes so very much sense to me. So when I am feeling blue, or dark and down on myself, it doesn't matter how much love is being sent my way. My receptors are blocked. Like battery connectors? Just pour a little coca cola on 'em to clean 'em up?

When sorting through piles of randomness in my kitchen, I found many lovely cards from my beautiful friends. Lib, Jan, Ann, Nancy, Dee...thank you.  Your notes and sentiments brightened my day when they arrived, and again yesterday when my receptors were cleaned.

LOVE.

sunday, sunday, sunday

a little distance gives great perspective.
so does cleaning off all the flat suffaces/clutter collectors.

my almost kindergartener has been limping around the house over the weekend.  sigh.  my sister says "growing pains" and the doc doesn't believe in growing pains.  when that same sister got married, her husband and our mom were on different ends of the political spectrum.  she couldn't decide which candidate would get her vote since her two biggest influences could not agree.  she told them she wouldn't vote til they were on the same side of the aisle.  is there something like that for mother's(/auntie's) intuition and doctor's opinion? ;)

this is the third sunday in as many days.  i didn't work on saturday, and the habinator didn't work today, so i am all sorts of week-day confused!  yeah, it is a super sweet problem.  i like it!!

happy back to school to all the school types. 

xo.