happiness

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Monday, January 31, 2011

It's always a bit of a surprise.

I've known for quite some time that many people don't, can't, won't say what they mean or want or feel.  They feel no need, or maybe feel they aren't sure where to start to use words.  Maybe they, these non-confessing, non-confronting folk, wish/assume you already get it.  Am I getting close, non-commentors? Whatever the reason, I have plenty o' folk in my world who aren't as fluent, shall we say, as I am.  This sounds a little judgey, but, um, don't you think your way is best, too? heh.  It frustrates the non-verbals that I am so "talky", but it helps me sort things out.  The only thing I want stuffed is a sausage.  I HAVE to talk out what I am feeling.  I am an emotive reactor.  So sue me.  Or just be mad about it and NEVER tell me.  That will improve the climate of our exchanges.

Hmm.  This is coming off so negative...

The surprising part for me is the decoy statement.  Things people say that they don't mean.  See, I get that some of you are going to have some emotions that I can't sit on you and make you share with me, but it just knocks me on my badonk when I discover a sike.  Okay, fine.  There are times I've played along when I hear, "let's do coffee!", but usually, I say, "I am not a planner.  So YOU call me."  I'll totally go if you do the leg work.  You know what I'm talking about, the "Thanks. I like yours, too!"s and the, "Wow, your hair is different. I mean, it looks great!"s and the, "I hope you fail at your endeavor, because you are rotten"s.  Yeah.  Those bombs.  They devastate me when I hear them.  I just can't fathom saying things that I really am not feeling.  Is it safe to assume you mean it?  Do you really think so little of me?  And if the perp is part of the inner circle, ughh.  Words are so important to me that hurtful words are weightier than they ought to be.  It is a bit of a surprise, the sudden moment of seeing the other's hurt.

The last couple of weeks I've had some challenges, and some visits of clear thinking.  Great understanding of my environs and of my piece in the puzzle.  It shocks me when I stumble upon a misunderstanding, or a gap in the connection.  Really? I gasp, you didn't know this was happening?  I was trusting the line was free of static, and I thought I was sharing my perspective diligently.  Suddenly my own communication and expectation tendencies were slapping me in the face.  It is a good reminder for me that simply saying my piece does not mean I am getting my message across.  The other end of the line might be distracted by activity or tired or on overload. Or down.  The other end of the line might simply be down.

So  I must keep at it.  Saying my piece and checking the line and listening.  Discovering I haven't been heard when I simply cannot shut up, well, it's always a bit of a surprise.

Talk, listen.
Get real, get with it!!
Get OVER it.
Laugh, listen.

14 comments:

Brita said...

Jen, I love your frank thoughts. Love them. And I asked for your address a while ago with every intenion of digging up an old picture I have of me and you. I still plan on doing that. Got sidetracked with the holidays...

Brita said...

Which is a pathetic excuse, being that it's February now. :)

Jan said...

To be honest, I am confused. I am wordy myself. But sometimes the ball is in your court. I am hung up on the coffee thing, I guess. Like, say I planned something (st cloud) and you bailed, well, now the ball is in your court. You plan.

And sometimes one(my hubby for instance) shuts down when there is so many words. He won't hear them all. I am learning there is a middle ground for us.

I guess I'm mostly confused because the post is vague. I'll stop here before I get myself in trouble : )

Joni said...

I don't think my way is best, I struggle with communication and it makes life difficult. But I thank the Lord I married the man I did, he has made it easier for me. I am not a planner either, and I find that a lot of people aren't. So I decided if I want contact with the world, I have to bite the bullet sometimes. Otherwise it won't happen, and doggone it, I want it to.

Anonymous said...

being a non-communicator i have nothing to offer
~ann b.

ethiopifinn said...

Brita, it will be fun to see the photos whenever they surface!

Hmm. Vague.

I felt a bit of that myself, but couldn't make myself delete this post or figure out how to make it more clear without telling what actually occurred. This one is more for me to process, I guess.

Joni, I dreamed last night that we made a trip to Russia.

ethiopifinn said...

oh ann. you make me laugh!

Anonymous said...

whew, glad you laughed,
i just came back on here to delete that....

Joni said...

I laughed too. (Ann) Jenny - did something happen between us on our trip to Russia?

What really gets me is when people try to communicate a rock solid communicable thing through HINTS. Don't try to hint to me if you want to tell me something because I'm incredibly slow and I am not guaranteed to get it ever (mostly though, I get it days/months later and that just makes me mad). I'm not sure when this language of hints began, but it isn't a fair way to speak.

Thanks for letting me get that one out -- you got my thoughts going with this post:)

Brita said...

Joni said it for you, Jen. I agree. For some reason, it makes people with low self-confidence feel better to hint to others about their failings. All it does is make the others dislike them once they catc the hint. My thoughts are that those people have their own issues to work through, and they were projecting it onto you. So remove yourself from their fear-driven world and stand proud.

Anonymous said...

I like you Jenny. And being a fellow-communicater, I eat up each and every word you write.

-B

ethiopifinn said...

Joni, no...we didn't have any problems. But I think I may have been relying on you to figure out a plan! And not hinting.

Yes, the hinting that they want something, or something from you... use your words! i can't read your stinkin' mind. ;)
Or the hinting that you kind of stink, or whatever, that is just annoying!

B-seriously, can i write the forward for your book?

xo to all my girls!

elizabeth said...

Verbal bombs from people you love. Those are the worst. I have lists of them running around in my head. They negate everything good people say because I think, well, they don't really know me. The people who said these other things must know me better and they must know the real me. Except they don't, but ..

Ok, possibly not the point of your post, but that struck me.

I have been thinking lots about feeling because I am trying to use Non-Violent Communication which is all about verbalizing needs and wants instead of using judging language. (Like, instead of, "You made me mad." "I felt x when you did x.")

I talk things out in my head, and then sometimes on paper, and it does help me sort things out. I feel much happier than I did when I was stuffed. Hee. Partly why I like coming here. :)

ethiopifinn said...

Elizabeth! I didn't see your recent comments until just now.

Yes, believing the negative is so... yucky. And it is loud in my head sometimes. The thing that I am trying to remember is that those verbal bombs come from some other hurt that isn't about me. That I still can show love, but it's harder to do than to remember.

I'm so glad you are unstuffed ;)