happiness

LOVE has come for you.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

fortunately/unfortunately

i loaded up the cart with helpful
healthful
protein bars and shakes and frozen enchilada suiza
i ate my ice cream in the dark car before i got home

i feel like the impoverished
version
of something

oh how they love me
oh how they hurt to hear me say
i can't or won't
that i can't stop
and i can't like
MY FATNESS
sucks

something beautiful, something lovely,
something good!
i want to keep my mind, my heart, my feet 
on that pathway

the ugly radio mocks gayle's best friend
"walk away from the mashed potatoes, {rhymes-with-soapra]"
i've heard lorene say it before
fat is evil and ugly and those who wear it are
ugly and lazy.

WHY WOULD I LISTEN TO THAT?

i am thinking of something beautiful:
my baby is a big smoocher and says "muah!"
i am thinking of something lovely:
my daughter is a theatrical, expressive story teller.
i am thinking of something good:
our big boy is learning to spell!

how could those delightful, darling children
be such delights?
they are growing and absorbing and basking in
l.o.v.e.

if i see joy in them, if they are my mirrors
there is joy in me.

i am scaring myself with this excess weight
what if we had to pay a dollar per pound we go over the limit
like at the airport?
money is a big motivator for me.
maybe i can pay myself for every pound i remove from my
baggage



something beautiful, something lovely,
something good!
.............................


okay. i thought of something positive to focus on: since my teeth cleaning a month ago, i have kept up my flossing.  woohoo!
today i played outside with the kids for an hour.  wihoo!
i texted a friend today and called another.  yeeeeehaw!
theo and suvi played kitty and puppy for a couple of hours this afternoon.
they make me laugh!
so does my husband.
the young guy at the store tonight bagged my groceries thoughtfully and pretty much exactly the way i like (he totally deserves a raise!)
phew.
i feel better.  i'm still fat, but at least i ain't so sad.
love to all y'all!  don't beat yourself up, find the beautiful, lovely, & the good.  it is so easy to do!
PEACE.


9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, Jen, for your feelings of inadequacy that you struggle with. Your struggle to love yourself. I like your positives you are focusing on. I think they are beautiful, and so are you.
~ann b.

MindiJo said...

People can be so insensitive, it's true.

I love the blessings you counted.

<3

Sue said...

I still haven't met you in person, but I imagine that you need a a large wrapper to contain that personality and big heart! Learn to love you, you are perfect just being you.

Laura said...

Peace and love to you my dear friend!

Jan said...

Let the pain wash over you and then be gone- just feel it, don't judge it.
I don't say that as an authority, it's just what I am trying to do here.
Pushing away, resistance, to the pain doesn't allow me to let go of it.

Anonymous said...

I like Jen's advise. Just like yoga, let the thoughts come in, hear them and let them go. Don't let them define who you are or what the day will be defined as. We all have things that tumble through but those tumbling things do not define who we are or what we are able to do!!!!

ethiopifinn said...

thanks, friendis. xo.

jan--don't judge it. that makes so much sense to me right now! i think sometimes i let it wash over me, and then sometimes later, i go looking for a puddle to wade in the familiar.

y'all are good for me!!!

Julie said...

Great advice in your comments. Made me sniffle a little. You are so loved and worthy, woman. Everyday of your life. xoxo

elizabeth said...

The not being able to like myself is so familiar. I remember practicing just being ok with the not being able to like myself, because it's bad enough not to like myself, but then when I add the shame of not being able to do something that I think I'm supposed to be able to do on top of it, sheesh.

Love you.