LOVE has come for you.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

reaching into the deep

deep into the glossy pages of a magazine
searching for color, for shapes, for hair, for shoes, for clothes, for a landscape, for a story...
for inspiration.

adele is here, she's here, willing to take the risk
she so has a place in my movie somewhere

turning page after page brought me these special k words
i'm interested in size RADIANT
in size ooh-la-la, size stunning
reaching for confident and sassy

you know how so often when a teenager first leaves home for college
or for an apartment
she starts to stretch her limits, her wings, to see where she lands
how far she can go
and still come back home on a weekend
and she might stay up late and try a few forbidden fruits
and she'll probably reel it back in, but at first
she overflows with independence
she's me. only my new surroundings are my very own home.

we have our house back to ourselves and i am finding my way through it
i rearranged the kitchen
bagged up the dishes and the things that don't belong
they are waiting for a ride to their proper home.
i want to change and purge and polish and shine and minimize
and i want to rest (please, sweet baby judah, sleep through the night again before mommy's brain breaks)
and i don't want to sit still
i want to move and remove until our space is spacious enough
for breathing room
for playing and eating and sleeping and being together
and alone

i think i was holding my breath for a while
now i let it out...whoooooooooooohhhh
and let all the balls fall to the floor
i am in the middle arms extended, feet kicking the air
free to sit on the couch or stay out all day or eat bacon
free to walk, free to play outside with my children, free to

trapped in my old patterns
swelling up
and no real gumption
no fake gumption

i want to shake it off
break out with wild success
into size stunning, thank you very much.
Judah is a big boy.  He's off the charts.  But the pediatrician's concern is for Judah's mother; he recommends she start moving, grooving, walking.  Every day.  I really respect this man, and I was humbled by his recommendation for me.  I know.  I do know.  And I am scared.  Scared stiff.  We walked that day, Judah, too.  I weigh just an unbelievable amount.  I honestly can't believe myself.  I am embarrassed.  I want change.  I will move away from this shame and from this scary place.  Last Saturday I went to a Christmas concert.  I didn't quite fit in the seat.  It is a shame that consumes me.  "Just exercise.  Just watch what you eat."  There is something bigger happening here, because I cannot stop trying.  Trying does not get you anywhere, you know, it is the doing.  Acting with conviction and purpose that results in the change I am seeking. 
I know it is uncomfortable to see people, especially people you know, who are morbidly obese.  And I know the judgements exist, because they live in my head, too.  Please, just be kind.  Send a little love or a prayer or a smile or a little positive energy when you see someone like me.  It might be the thing to tip the scale in the right direction.


MindiJo said...

OOooh. I need to continue on with my purging. Thanks for reminding me.

mella said...

i like that adele song too. her sweet personality and delightful laugh really show in this npr video concert, have you seen it? she sings that song last...

btw, your fluent self link is nice too. good stuff.

enjoy reclaiming your homespace!

Tara said...

Sending a little love and a prayer ;-)

Brita said...

Be kind. I like that. That is all we want.

Anonymous said...

I like Adele. She's rocking.
Jen....you know we all support you. I hope we all support each other in our struggles. As Brita said, kindness is key.
~ann b.

Jan said...

Huggggsss to you! And a kiss on the cheek, just because it's Christmas.

ethiopifinn said...

muah! to jan, for kissmas.

and hugs to all. good, good friends found here!!

Julie said...

Enjoy being you again, in your guest-free home. :)

I get your struggle and appreciate your honesty. Life can be so wearing, especially when fighting to stay happy and out of the dark and twisty. That struggle in itself can leave me with little energy for fun or healthy aspirations. But that shame is a killer, dearie. It needs to get booted out the door on its ass! Love and hugs to you.

elizabeth said...

Shame. Ugh. I read Brene Brown's book about imperfection .. she talked a lot about shame and I appreciated it .. I think she talks about it even more in her first book: I Thought It was Just Me - only I still haven't gotten that from the library yet. Sending love and light across the miles to you.