dang. i don't really know what they are!!!!!
i hope that doesn't mean I'll be wallowing down here in the mud hole until I figure it out!
hmph.
i sort of feel like i am operating with a false front. at work, the salon program is too old for our computer, so we have to operate in a false application. it totally does the trick, but i would like to get the (expensive) software upgrade and a new computer. it'd look good and work faster. but it actually really meets our needs as is.
i've been thinking a lot recently, and it is tough. ha, ha. i've been thinking about myself again, in a critical manner (critiques are not inherently negative, unless they are mine about me of late), and more specifically how i feel about others' opinion of me. i want you to like me. i want to be your best friend. i want you to be my gayle king (yes, i can be oprah). or a little carrie, miranda, samantha, charlotte action.
i think this weirdness is related to these other things:
- when i am traveling, it is not okay to pull the map out in the middle of a busy walkway, city center, shopping area, and debate about where the "you are here" area should be at the moment.
- i would like to blend in, please.
- when i was in school i liked sitting at the back, so i could watch the other students from afar (but not in beauty school, after i was there a few weeks), and be less available to the instructor.
- or close to the door.
- sometimes i get embarrassed when i realize a person hasn't rated me the same way i have rated them--i want us to like (or dislike) each other equally. what if i like you more than you like me?
- i love kicking around a soccer ball, but i never did growing up, because i wasn't good like the other girls. i do it with my husband and theo, tho, because they love me :)
HELLO? are you listening, self? to this bull crap? what is up, for crying out loud. (where does that phrase come from?) remember stewart smalley (we DID have a tv growing up, and i still have one, and i DO like it)? i'm good enough, and dog gone it, people like me. (if you get a pep talk, or pep read, please, include me.)
my dear friend, the girl who told me all about meep, knows that i love/used to love to say, "get real and get with it." Umm...yeah. that would be good about now.
JENNIFER, LET IT ALL GO.
sigh.
i might be back, to get more off my chest.
it didn't take long.
i remembered my earlier encumbrance. i really want to be a good mom. (what mother doesn't?) and the thing about that desire that is bugging me is that i want other people to think i am a good mom. but i don't want them to tell me. and i don't want you to tell me whether you think i am in the comment section now. pats on the back and congratulations on my mothering rockstarness isn't what i am really looking for, and those kind of props here just feel weird. i appreciate the positive comments that you have made on earlier posts, i am sure they were words of reassurance and encouragement. some came, those 'good mom' comments, with posts where i felt like i was giving a wink when i wrote of being the 'bad mom'. it makes me chuckle.
i don't feel very cohesive in my writing at the moment, but i am starting to feel better. a little less in my head. i'm thinking 'perception and intention' again.
i do feel like i am keeping myself together enough with the kids this week, enjoying them, but there is some piece of my headball missing, the... hmm... self-concept is a bit saggy or foggy-temporarily. its that false application thingy. but my needs are basically being met as is, I just want to look good and work faster. and i suppose, write myself up by my keyboard/boot straps.
i googled bootstraps.
11 comments:
hmmmmmm, so that's a bootstrap? Well, go ahead......pick it up!
A "good" mom is one who hasn't had children. I had an interesting conversation with an elder mother here at a shower. She said, Martin Luther writes that "love grows downward".. There is no love greater than the love of a parent for his child. Think about it. How true is that?!?!?! It is passed through generations from parent to child.
You have given your kids the finest life.....one of love for them and showing them the love between their parents. In today's society, so many of these things are non-existant. Children are "inconveniant" and pushed behind the parents selfish life. Or maybe not even chosen for life at all.
WOW! Where did all that come from? What i am saying is, Jennny, you are sweet and fun and lovely. You are a MOM! If you turn it upside down......you are WOW!
*hugs from Bette*
“If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago …”
“I can give you the simplest of all possible rules of thumb: Any time a voice is talking to you that is not talking with love and compassion, don’t believe it! Even if it is talking about someone else, don’t believe it.”
from There is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber
'tis very true - and a good reminder. :)
btw: it's an excellent read if you're interested.
I am still too sleepy to process much more. I will return when I wake up.
As a side note .. this totally reminded me of a moment somewhere in Europe where 4 girls crowded around a map in the middle of a street and then one shouted excitedly, "We're here!" and pointed at a spot on the map. Passerbys chuckled.
Jenny dear: (sigh, in a patronizing voice)
when are you going to learn to be nice to yourself? : )
I am "hearing" not that you want others to think you are a good mom, but that you don't think you are a good mom. 'Cause, cmon, can you read my mind? how do you know if I think you are a good mom or not?? That is a negative thought pattern called mind reading.
I am hearing that you care a lot about what other people think. Your hubby thinks you're swell, your kids love you. I think you are interesting enough that I read your blog. What more do you need? : ) haha. really though- just do things that you think are interesting, and you will be interesting. We will all like you for being you...not for trying to be someone else.
yummy post, my friend. The authenticity of it.
I believe we all want to be 'seen, heard, and felt' for who we truly are, and I am honored to witness you. Thank you for sharing. I love you.
When I worked at the senior center in Maine, this 'picking yourself up by your bootstraps' thing was a common theme among the older and wiser folk. And make no mistake, they handled and came out the other side of some amazing challenges. What strikes me about the evolution of us as human be-ings is that I believe they did it, needed to do it, by stuffing their emotions around what the challenge was - now we're learning that though it may not be as easy to digest for those around us or even for ourselves, those feelings are needing to be felt. A treasured friend gave me a book years ago that I still have called 'what you feel you can heal', and I do believe that awareness is the path to healing.
I have come to a place of genuine enjoyment of the unknown, and I have a great deal of fun exploring the greatest unknown, my self... wildest ride you'll ever take!
Funny story about a bootstrap from my country line dancing days. As I was participating in some sort of boot scootin' boogie one night, suddenly both my dance buddy and I wondered why I wasn't moving on to the next phase of the line dance. I couldn't move. We looked at each other, we both looked down at my feet, and the conches of my boot straps had caught onto each other locking my heels together! Miraculously it happened in such a way that I never lost my balance, but in that position I couldn't reach down to undo them. So after a good laugh, my buddy tried, and she couldn't either. The best part of the whole story was that without skipping a beat, someone came through when she asked if anyone had a pair of pliers!
As I'm reliving the moral of this story, if there is one, as we boot scoot through life, try to have a little fun, dance a little, laugh at yourself, and when you need a pair of pliers to get out of a bind, ask.
One more 2-cent thought from someone who has a long history of finding it difficult to LET IT ALL GO... and I too can relate to the arrrrgh of it all.
I am finding that in order to truly let go of something like an old coping pattern (i.e. survival mechanism) that no longer serves me or assists me in being who I want or am meant to be, I cannot force it to just go away through hating or shaming it, or with a good riddance type of attitude. I can only do it by loving it, thanking it for trying to continue to help me, and lovingly saying I don't need it anymore. It's unclenching the fists, allowing it to leave, that's the hardest. I haven't learned of a way to sustain a decision to disown a part of me that I wish didn't exist...
To whoever mentioned Cheri Huber, I enjoy her too. Very wise whoa-man.
Perhaps you and I should spend some time together and vent each other silly. I have not been blogging for some the reason you stated- most importantly, the fact that I am NOT looking for sympathy or empathy. I know people care, and I truly appreciate the support Davin and I have had, but I wish I could just write the pain I feel and the comments would be, "okay, so you're feeling crappy. Good to know". ...well, something like that. So, my reply to your hardships is...um...oh, I know! You know the life and lemon saying? Here's one for you: "Who is this Life and why is he throwing lemons at people?"
Oh, and bootstraps? Ugly.
'tis true.
I do not want to just give sympathy or empathy. Not because I don't feel them. But because I don't think they're particularly useful. :)
What I can say is that I have spent my whole life being critical of myself. Which is funny because I am such a happy optimistic person .. and yet there was this horrid pervasive voice underneath it all that did not like me at all. [Though .. I do think we all do this to some extent.] I was reading a book where you had to do some mirror work - look in the mirror and say "I love you" to yourself. I couldn't do it. I was sobbing. [Also a good exercise, by the way, to practice regularly.]
I am finally coming out the other side .. and it truly is a beautiful place to be. What has helped me is awareness (realizing that I do feel this way and why and learning to love those parts of myself), affirmations (the more I say them, the more I believe them), lots of reading, meditation, and focusing on the things I do love about myself (because what you focus on expands). :)
We all do want to be seen, heard, and felt for who we are. But sadly that is nearly impossible. Only a few rare souls can see people as they really are. The rest of us are seeing you as we are. So in the end, your opinion of yourself is the only one that really matters. And you should love yourself more than anything.
However .. I will get in on the Carrie/Miranda/Samantha/Charlotte action. I'll be Charlotte but with Carrie's wardrobe. ;)
Oh my word.
just writing what i had to write last night did me so much good.
and theo slept in his own bed, so that was great.
went to fleet farm with mom today to buy some stuff for MY GARDEN. (wha? i know. i can get over the bugs. they are just not interested in me, and the feeling is mutual)
bets, i received that love today, and spread some love today--my babes are both, yes BOTH napping at the moment :) wow, you!
elizabeth and mella, i've been wanting to introduce the two of you for some time now. please give each other a blog visit!
jan. fine. i like myself. simple as that ;)
laura, i've probably aggrivated your healing over there on your blog, but you are so right! lets just sometimes say what we're saying and let it be said. phew.
I don't know Jenny -- I think there are some weird vibrations in the air, throwing us "off". I find when I'm feeling scattered, or wallowing around in the mud or "what-have-you", that it helps to be reminded that we do our best with what we have. If you don't feel capable of "being" this or that at whatever moment, or you just don't feel right, know that you'll find the other side w/a little time. It doesn't do any good to be hard on yourself. Just give yourself some time, sounds like you have. And you know, I would love to be that friend - you need to call and talk about it - you know my number. And by the way - if I was one of those girls who were good with the soccer ball....I didn't know it. That was what you saw. :)
Chin Up!
Hmmm... How to respond...
I love this post and the response to it. Elizabeth's quote about the way you treat yourself and how you would get rid of someone who treated you that way... It's true, isn't it?
I don't know you as a person IRL, but I always love the way you write. You are so open about yourself. Love that.
Glad you got it off of your chest. BTW: I know what you mean, sometimes you just want to say something without people giving you sympathy and/or pitying you. I totally get that. I don't pity you. Sympathy? Maybe. But we all have bad days, not much we can do about that. Just don't quit blogging.
It's good to vent, you find you are not alone, my friend.
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