Last night I made a confession to one of my clients. We laughed about it, and I just have to write about it here...maybe I have before, but it has been in my mind, and needs airing. It is a strange part of the way my head works, something I'd like to change...well. Here goes.
I am always mad at one of my friends. No, not the same friend all the time, it rotates. Yep, there is only so much room in my heart at this time for, say, 9 friends. (nine is just a random number. this oddity is not so well thought out, it just is.) If I am spending time, or communicating more with one particular friend, she gets the prime slot. Then there are the main crew I have in my mind, filling in the next five slots, and then maybe a few of the sisters, and the last spot is the most vulnerable. She better be careful because if someone from the Beyond 9 Fringes reaches out to me, or part of me remembers the love and thread that ties me to her, No. 9 is out. Adios. Until number 6 pisses me off, then she is out, and if you've been showing me good behaviour, the former 9 is back in, perhaps. I don't actually think love is finite. This is not a part of my brain that I am proud of, or want to work on, in the way of deciding an actual number friends I can like at any given time. No, simply want to confess. It doesn't fit in well with my whole acceptance of others sentiment. Maybe if I can accept this friend limitation as part of myself up to now, and air it out, I'll get a bit of insight.
Have you ever noticed a similar trend in your life? What are your unsaid rules about friends? Is there something you'd like to confess?
12 comments:
i'm not sure i'm ready to confess. for one, it might make me more vulnerable to people, say, kicking me out of a slot....or something.
seriously, i do odd thought stuff as well, but am not sharing at the moment. thanks for being brave.
~ann b.
I do something similar. I have a shit list and I don't go out of my way for the people (or person) on it. I'm not sure why. I am rethinking this approach after reading about how people "freeze" each other out socially, sometimes for no good reason. I also sometimes comment on blogs of people who seem interesting but I haven't met IRL. (Hi!)
this made me giggle. if I confess something, do I make it into one of the 9 slots? ;) I'm sure I have weird thought stuff around friends but will need to ponder. I will confess that I hold grudges (working on this one), but the thing is that I am not holding grudges for me, I'm holding grudges for someone else. As in, they hurt or used or .. someone I love - and even if that person has forgiven them or forgotten about it, I have not. (This is clearly genetic - we hold grudges in our family. :) Well, maybe this isn't weird. Must ponder more.
btw: I have noticed that once I notice something (a habit or pattern or what have you ..), oftentimes it just goes away. It's like it needed the awareness and then it can go because it recognizes that it no longer serves me.
do you think it is because you have fear? of----losing someone, losing their love, so you preempt it by striking first? humans have a strong need to protect themselves. if you "cut them out" , then you have the power, and they didn't really hurt you.
That's funny. Maybe not to you, but to me. Oh, wait. Now are you mad at me? ;) I do weird stuff, but now I can't think of any off the top of my head.
I have a person in my life, you know if it's been going smoothly with them that will soon change. It's a vicious cycle. But I accept it as how it is. The rough parts don't last too long.
i do think it is a funny thing. and yes, if my feelings get hurt, then i can find all sorts of annoying things about the person. it does all come down to wanting to be loved. maybe it is because i don't love myself 100%, so I only allow 90% outgoing love, as well. because our friends are reflections of self.
and sarah, hi back.
I do that too. Except I have a HATE list. And I say bad swears at those people in my head.
You don't make my hate list. And, of course, I know I am WAYYY up there on your list. You cute thing, you. hee hee.
-B
Interesting post.
I have been enjoying contemplating friendship since I read this and had to come back to visit a couple of times...
I felt happy when I read your last comment about it all coming down to love, and how friendship can be a reflection of how we are feeling about ourselves.
A wise (95 year-old woman) teacher of mine told me that she doesn't think it's necessary to LOVE herself, but more importantly to ACCEPT herself. For me, neither are easy to do, but accepting is slightly less daunting.
I am blessed to have friends of many kinds, but I only have one friend like YOU!
Love you.
One thing I have learned is that if a friend pulls away it is very easy to assume it has something to do with the friendship. But more likely it is because the friend is dealing with difficult personal issues and has nothing to with the friendship. I have been both on the side of pulling away in difficult times (just trying to survive) and also having a friend pull away. My lesson in the 2nd scenario is that I didn't reach out. I hope I remember that in the future, and I keep the stress level low by remembering it's not always about me!:) It's a good thing we sometimes have time to grow on this earth isn't it? I need more time....
I wear socks to bed all year long...does that count as a confession?!
jen-haha! it counts in my book :)
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