LOVE has come for you.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

handle with care.

I am fragile.
I want to be flexible, fired-up, first-up, fit.

Today is a bit of a recovery day for me.  Life has been somehow busier than usual, and we had a couple of fun mornings with my Mom, Monday and Tuesday. The baby has been napping, so I switched on the computer to catch up with my literal virtual friends.  I missed you.  I've been online and pausing to read books and press 'play'.  Yes, today is a movie day.  I'm sipping some awesome smelling, make that aromatic tea, and healing.

I think it was those stressed out days of the last few weeks coming to a halt (not libby :).  I'm a worrier and a teeterer...am I handling the family okay? what about the baby's head shape? why does he *hate* being on his tummy? is Suvi going to break her arm again? I can see Theo's ribs. Why won't he just poop and get on with it?  does my husband feel un-cared for when he comes home to this messy house?  is he feeling overwhelmed with the work/school/kid schedule? is my hair going to grow back? am i too vain? how is my Mom *really* doing?  These are all worries of common folk, but it starts to weigh heavy on me.  Then, somehow, it peaks and I feel the itchiness of worry falling away in the breeze.  While I am still able to see the good parts of the day, those itchy things rage red at times.

This week, as part of my healing, I felt the glow of friendship.  Two friends blessed me with some heart-to-heart time, and it reminded me I am NOT alone.  L is the first letter in both of their names, which is fabulous, since Love also starts with L.  Love is kind.  We all have responsibilities to tend and thoughts to reign in and blessings to count.  L and L shared trust with me and in that trust I see acceptance.  They take me for me, and I am enough!  It goes the other way, too, ain't it grand!

So my little heart is stitching itself back up.  I'm finding more patience there, without so many holes for it to drop its contents like a Hanzel and Gretl trail, more love for my self to spread around. AIN'T IT GRAND!

Last week I met with some old college friends.  I did a study abroad in Alnwick, Northumberland, that's England, Baby! 15 years ago.  When I was 11. Teehee.  And it was just wonderful to see the faces haven't changed at all, and the laughs were still there.  And they didn't care about the ups and downs or ins and outs that happen in the years in between--not in the way that it worries me to think of challenges and mistakes that I met along the way.  No, they knew me way back then, when I was a shy and silly girl of 20 (not 11) and they saw me again now, as I am, no explanations required.  It was fun to get a glimpse of part of my past.  When I got home that night the kids were all sleeping, and H was trying to keep his eyelids open til his bride made it in.  I'd been giggling to myself as I walked back to my car from the party.  I always left the party earlier than the others when we were in England, and I was usually the only sober one then, too.  It was so good to see my old college/Alnwick friends, and so good to be back home in my own bed with my own grown-up life all around me.  H soon fell asleep, and Judah woke up, needing a little time at Mom's Cafe. 

As I fed him there in my cozy bed, under the down comforter, it struck me that life is a lot like that comforter.  It is a series of pockets that really work best when they are all together.  Just one square of down would not keep me near as warm as all those pockets of down lined up in a warm grid.  It hit me that the 20 year old innocent naive Jenny is just as integral as the 35 year old fragile Jenny.  Without the stitching to keep feathers in each square, the whole blanket would get all wonky and off balance and parts of me would get cold with just the thin fabric and no down.  It works better to have each pocket of time doing its part, valued just the same as the squares surrounding it.  It struck me that I am so happy and thankful for this little messy house and all the contents.  Broken arms and flat heads and finicky eaters and sometimes-yelling-mothers and short-on-sleep Pops.   It is all mine and it is all me.  Getting better all the time and keeping warm.

Somedays are more fragile than others, but I've been handled with care, and I ain't broke yet. (what is with all the ain't in this post? sometimes a fit is a fit!)

Becky, my roommie :) We were at the end of our program here, saying Good-bye.
This is the view from our bedroom window.


Anonymous said...

wait. did I miss Suvi's broken arm along the way??

Hang in there Miss opossum!


Becca said...

I forgot you studied in Alnwick. We lived so close to it in Sunderland! How fun you were able to get together with old friends! I was just revisiting that time in my life while reconnecting with two of our old flatmates.

MindiJo said...

You are so interesting and refreshingly honest. And blessed, to boot.

mella said...

I *sew* love how you wove this story... with care and compassion, and love all around. Beautiful.

Great to see an Alnwick photo too ~

Cheers, Luv!

Anonymous said...

Tears in my eyes dear friend - thanks for listening to me sound out life time and time again! L

Leanne said...

Mostly what Mindi said.

I love your list of insecurities. Somehow, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who wonders. Cole is at a crossroads in his life -- he wants to quit Boy Scouts. I'm inclined to let him (he's almost 14) but I wonder if I should push him. Will he be angry that I didn't? Will be be more well-rounded if he makes Eagle? Will I regret allowing him to make his own decisions? Will he resent me if I force him. OH. SO hard.

But at the end of the day, we have to make a decision or THAT day and let the chips fall. We are good enough, as you remind me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.

Sending love. Thanks or the wonderful post.

Julie said...

Beautiful, heartfelt post. I'm so glad for the warmth of friendship, family, and all things that make up life. How fun that you were able to meet up with old friends and also have 'heart-to-heart time'. Hope things continue to look up and that you'll have some good, fun changes in your life to look forward to soon. :)

Oh, and you looked young, yet mature, at age 11.

(And what a view from your window!!!)

Tara said...

I'm dittoing Mindi, I was thinking almost identical thoughts as I clicked in to post a comment. I love the honesty, the rawness of it all. No fancy words, or no trying to make life seem all rosy and great, just down to earth honest, real posts. I love it. I relate in many ways.

elizabeth said...

This is so odd. I could've sworn I commented on this yesterday, but maybe I forgot to finish it. I have totally forgotten what I said, but wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading it (particularly the comparison of life to a quilt).