happiness

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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

nutser

A darling friend of mine called me this week and she told me that she rather likes when I post about my super-true-to-me and how I am feeling right at the moment, if the moment is a might bit crazy, because it's comforting. I want to comfort my friends.  I want to be there with her to drink coffee and talk and hug her if she needs hugging.  I want to do these things, until I hear her say, "I like your crazy posts because then I can say you are NUTSER than me."  Well, lady, Idowhutiwaunt.  And, YOU might be a year older, so at least I can be nutser.  For you.

Honestly, a couple of weeks ago, I was feeling nutser.  (Can you tell I am liking this word?)  I was so much nutser than uzh--yooge--rhymes with luge--short for usual.  Annihew, I was microterpreting, thinking, imagining what some other folksies might be thinking I am, and how I am, so I got scared of my blog.  This one, and that other little cutie I started (seriously, you think I go gaga for my children?  i love this widdle bwoggie baby po-po pomey womey homey) {and by the by, my mom said something today that people didn't used to talk about babies being cute, and it never occurred to her that hers were. um, hello? there was a whole lot of cuteness that arrived right about the summer of '75. just sayin'}, yes I started to think I needed to upgrade the filters.  I needed to keep some folks out, and limit what I put out here.  Yeah.  Like THAT was gonna happen.  Really, honestly.  Do you come here to see the three little model-like children who live with us, or do you come here so you can laugh or sigh or simply be relieved that your level of NUTSER/my level of NUTSER is at a safe ratio? 
I know it's scary to read about depression.  Think how freaky it was for me to realize I was lost in some foggy, crabby, anxious, tired, b*tchfest?  Reading about it is nothing, honey.  You know if you've lived it.  And I really am feeling so much more peace.  And guess what?  I am still a crappy housekeeper.  I'd rather cut out paper dolls with the kids than dust.  I am still a little sarcastic.  I am still in need of some new coping skills, but it will happen when it can happen.  And I will blog nutser than you any day.  I'm just going to keep trusting my gut.  I'll take cues from my friends and then, sometimes, I really won't.  But it's real.  Life is really sticky and so many weird and unexpected things demand attention.  So I am not going to stay caught up in my imaginings of bad impressions.  I'm going to strive for a level of Nutser I can laugh and function in--daily.  I'm going to continue to seek inspirations in the words and the art around me--the world I can touch with my own two hands, and in this fantastical world wide way, keep the peace.
When I was younger, I had to be a)funnier, or b)smarter, or c)cuter than my friends.  I'm trying to make friendship an equation in my mind, rather than a < kind of thing.  At some point I'll stop measuring nutsness, cuteness, smartn- (no. sorry.  you have to be smart. you are smart, dummy.), and funniness and be able to follow the = sign.  In friendships, sometimes YOU does = ME, when = really means balance and flow.
When my friend calls me and I am washed in relief just at the sight of her name on my caller id, and my face relaxes into a grateful smile at the sound of her voice, and my heart aches with her tears and my stomach hurts with her laughter, my nutsness can inflate a little to take some of the pressure off of her.
Friends are good.  Really, really wonderful and good.

And, sometimes, probably, actually quite a bit nutser than you'd imagine.
Love and Peace and Joy to you my Lovelies!!

5 comments:

MindiJo said...

Love. Seriously. Love.

My veri is "prers". Like prayers. In case you were wondering.

Julie said...

Oh my. I'm *loving* your new blog look! Very cool. I think we're all a little nutser. I might be nutser than you... AND my house might be messier. Can't wait until I can catch up on your (hopefully unfiltered) life.

MarcsMess said...

Hmph! Nutser friend. YOU are soooo lucky to have crazy friends. This crazy friend is now UNEMPLOYED! YAHOOOOOOOO!

(thasnk you for the shoulder on tues.)

Sorry I had to keep reposting to get it to work so I deleted the others.

elizabeth said...

My house might be cleaner, but if it is, it's probably because I am nutser than you in the obsessive about straightening. Hee.

Love reading about you. All of you. Whatever you share.

xoxo

ethiopifinn said...

e: :)in the obsessive abt straightening!
and thank you.
marcsmess: yay for decisions made and executed!!
j: i so miss you here and where ever you go ;)
mindizzle: aw, shucks.