LOVE has come for you.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

s-s-s-saturday ni-HITE!

Scrub a dub, three kids in a tub
 She didn't want me to take a picture.  Can you tell?  But she is so cute!!
and here i held her blanket ransom for the price of a photo or two...

Theo wanted a chance to dry his hair, too.

We read A Visitor for Bear by Bonny Becker and illustrated by Kady MacDonald Denton, twice under the dryer, then Skippyjon Jones and the Big Bones by Judy Schachner once on the couch, which is fine with me, as it is quite a mouthful with all the -itos  and dudes thrown in (it's really fun).  I enjoy doing the character voices when reading to the kids.  It keeps all of us interested ;)
I find my pre-kid Saturday night expectations alien when compared to my three-kid Saturday night reality.  After work I would nap, then get ready for a date with my sugar booger.  Now, we feel like we are real troopers if we can stay up for SNL.  I will tonight.  Paul Simon.  Need I say more? I heart his musica!

This week I made a remarkable connection about some events in my past.  I was putting two major events in my 13th year, and making some big arcs of understanding.  Except they didn't both happen in my 13th year, which came to me a few days after my "Aha!s".  Whatev'.  Memories of my childhood and teenage years are all very vague and weak.
  Two big things DID happen simultaneously that August: my Mom and Katie and I went with a group to China.  My Mom was taking a class at one of the colleges in town, and others were allowed joining the trip.  AND on that trip I started my you-know-what, but of course, I didn't.know.what.  For sure I had a terminal illness, because there was some yucky brown-ness and some horrible aching, and it was only a matter of time before I returned to dust.  I knew OF the monthly, but curiously, had no idea what to look for or expect.  It was terrible.  Katie discovered my morbid secret and told our Mom, who informed me I was not, indeed, in grave danger.  I wasn't one of those girls who longed for boobs or a period.  It was horrendously burdensome and embarrassing to deal with either addition. I'm sure you are asking, "Could there be an upside to starting my menses abroad?" There were really great big, hugely wonderful pads in all the airplanes, so we totally cleaned house with each flight.  Score!

The software program we use at work for booking appointments and recording tickets and visit information is really old.  We have to trick the computer in order to run it on a false operating system.  We are telling the computer it isn't as sophisticated as it really is.  You have to pretend to be older, little outdated Mac, and support this program.  Because it would be expensive to upgrade, and because the decision makers don't see the value in the program's improved versions, more compatible with you, Mac, you have to basically live in the past.  (Anybody still with me at this point?)
   Living in denial, stuffing pain, not acknowledging pain or difficulty, skirting forgiveness...it all reminds me of this false operating system we have at work.  The issue is there, we are just sort of floating over it by telling the computer to be what it isn't.  Is it capable of meeting our needs? Yes.  Would it better meet our business needs to upgrade? Yes.  Have I lived with an unaddressed pain for 22 years? Yes.  Is it possible to better ... to be more... comfortable? ...peaceful? ...be by loosening the hold on that perceived pain?  I am working to whittle down my connections to the "ould" family, less woulds coulds and shoulds.  I should just get over it.  I could just move on.  I would be fine if...  The Ould Family live in that false operating system, too.  I am about to get real and get with it. 
   My home set-up changed when I was 14.  It was difficult.  And there was a lot of sadness and pain involved in the change.  I thought I should not be upset by the change.  I thought it would not be a big dealIt could be worse.  No, it wasn't the worst thing ever, but I think it also wasn't good.  For a really long time, it wasn't good.  The change was meant to be temporary, but it became permanent.  I want to release the sadness that I attach to the change.  I want to release the weight of the pain.  I want to forgive the players in the change.  I want to stop feeling guilty over not liking the circumstances of the change.  I want to remember my life!  I want to live in real time, upgrade the software AND the hardware. 
  Ima get real, yo.


Anonymous said...

I gotcha. Loud and clear. I can look back and see, wow, that must've been truly challenging, but at the time -- it was what it was, to me. We were so young! I wish I could go back and be a better communicator, for you. (and me, actually:) -jr

ethiopifinn said...

yeah, I don't think I was actively thinking about it at the time. You are pretty adaptable in youth, I guess. But I guess I escaped in the quiet at your house? What a blessing to have you so near. Love ya!

Anonymous said...

It was pretty quiet, wasn't it? I'm glad you could have some of it. It was a good thing. Nearness would be great now, too. sigh. -jr

Anonymous said...

you're "about" to get real?
girl, you always have been....
`ann b.

ethiopifinn said...

ann...heh ;)

Anonymous said...

We are the generation of "working on our stuff"! The past has a powerful way of circling around to come at us from behind. But, each time we face it, we learn MORE! How exciting is that??? As soon as we think we don't have to face THAT THING again because we've dealt with it, Here it comes AGAIN! Alto- this time we aren't as fearful, and we are able to take a better lick at it.

(I love this Self-Help stuff. Can you tell?)


MindiJo said...

I love this. I wondered where you were going with it, but you cinched it all neatly. Sometimes it takes a while to deal, doesn't it?

I hope you find peace. I do.

And my word veri is "befun". But you already are. Maybe it means me...