could I make this blog any more about me? I land on my own blog several times a day...whenever there is a lull in the action. Guess what I find? Myself. (Those people spending hundreds of thousands of dollars searching for themselves should get a blog, post a picture or 3 of their own mug and ponder it, instead of spending all that money. Then, they should send me the money and I will analyze the photo, too, and enjoy monthly pedicures.) It is a kind of vanity, posting all these photos of myself. I really am looking for something. Some Grit, perhaps?
If you have been reading this blog for any length of time you should be well acquainted with my Motherhood Love Affair. I do absolutely love being Mommy. Even when I hear "mommy" repeated so many times the word starts to change in my ears to something more like "Hello? Lady? Are you paying attention to this busy little boy down here? How 'bout now?" I am thankful to be a Mommy when it is stressful, when I am tired, when they are hungry, when they are cranky and as yet unable to verbalize their needs. I can say God is indulgent to have given me these two beautiful children. If He trusts me with them, then I have to trust myself. So yes, I love it, we are agreed. But there are times when I need some of the old angst ridden, gritty, thoughtful, creative tortured being of my youth. Not all the negative energy that I used to hold on to for fear of evolving (hindsight 20/20), but the solid piece of something that is me. Just me. It can be something... it is something that makes me a better mother. I feel stronger and more exciting and livelier when my brain is producing and creating.
I make up songs nearly daily for the children. One day I was singing or chanting for them and Theo's face absolutely lit up like a Christmas tree. He stood up from his truck and started clapping his hands in time with my song. Suvi sings along to most of our tunes. These are Mommyness moments that makes me feel alive and worthy of their cares. Oh! How I love these two little people. (So much that the worry for their health overtakes my tender mind at times, and then Habtamu worries as well, or he brings me back to reality.) Singing with the kids is a win/win: they are entertained, I get to hear my own voice. (I don't limit myself to the shower or the car.)
Singing with the kids wakes me up... Looking at selective photos of myself makes me look for more... Love being Mommy... want to use my creative mind... So, maybe I shouldn't be landing on my blog so many times each day. Maybe those moments should be used for directing more energy towards the joy of my children. Maybe 70/30. There is plenty of grit, plenty of vanity, plenty of me to go around.