happiness

LOVE has come for you.

Monday, February 16, 2009

just wondering...

could I make this blog any more about me? I land on my own blog several times a day...whenever there is a lull in the action. Guess what I find? Myself. (Those people spending hundreds of thousands of dollars searching for themselves should get a blog, post a picture or 3 of their own mug and ponder it, instead of spending all that money. Then, they should send me the money and I will analyze the photo, too, and enjoy monthly pedicures.) It is a kind of vanity, posting all these photos of myself. I really am looking for something. Some Grit, perhaps?

If you have been reading this blog for any length of time you should be well acquainted with my Motherhood Love Affair. I do absolutely love being Mommy. Even when I hear "mommy" repeated so many times the word starts to change in my ears to something more like "Hello? Lady? Are you paying attention to this busy little boy down here? How 'bout now?" I am thankful to be a Mommy when it is stressful, when I am tired, when they are hungry, when they are cranky and as yet unable to verbalize their needs. I can say God is indulgent to have given me these two beautiful children. If He trusts me with them, then I have to trust myself. So yes, I love it, we are agreed. But there are times when I need some of the old angst ridden, gritty, thoughtful, creative tortured being of my youth. Not all the negative energy that I used to hold on to for fear of evolving (hindsight 20/20), but the solid piece of something that is me. Just me. It can be something... it is something that makes me a better mother. I feel stronger and more exciting and livelier when my brain is producing and creating.

I make up songs nearly daily for the children. One day I was singing or chanting for them and Theo's face absolutely lit up like a Christmas tree. He stood up from his truck and started clapping his hands in time with my song. Suvi sings along to most of our tunes. These are Mommyness moments that makes me feel alive and worthy of their cares. Oh! How I love these two little people. (So much that the worry for their health overtakes my tender mind at times, and then Habtamu worries as well, or he brings me back to reality.) Singing with the kids is a win/win: they are entertained, I get to hear my own voice. (I don't limit myself to the shower or the car.)

Singing with the kids wakes me up... Looking at selective photos of myself makes me look for more... Love being Mommy... want to use my creative mind... So, maybe I shouldn't be landing on my blog so many times each day. Maybe those moments should be used for directing more energy towards the joy of my children. Maybe 70/30. There is plenty of grit, plenty of vanity, plenty of me to go around.

8 comments:

~ Junkyard Jennifer said...

Hello post...! {It popped up after I left my last comment.} ;)

I love what you describe here. I love your mommyness and singing and I love that I can relate because I love and do the same things. And I get the need for creativity. If I'm creating, I'm a better mommy for it. We all need an outlet for that energy; something fun for ourselves.

Anonymous said...

It's a never-ending balancing act, is it not?! :) You make a wonderful mother, and I'm sure your kids will have beautiful memories of you singing with/to them. That's awesome!

Love, Ang

Emily said...

You are a great mom Jen! I think it goes with being a stay-at-home mom - the needing to connect with ourselves and other adults. Oh so normal. I always wonder about my balance as well...
I love to sing to my kids too. Some love when I do... some not so much. :) I think it shows our happiness.

Emily said...

You are a great mom Jen! I think it goes with being a stay-at-home mom - the needing to connect with ourselves and other adults. Oh so normal. I always wonder about my balance as well...
I love to sing to my kids too. Some love when I do... some not so much. :) I think it shows our happiness.

Anonymous said...

sometimes, when I need more, the problem arises that I no longer know what "more" is. what is the Lone Me, as opposed to Wife Me or Mommy Me? i've changed---but into what?
~ann b.

ethiopifinn said...

Yeah, Ann, Emily, Jen... I think that is the thing. Mom is woven into all that we are now, there is only a compartmented self in the past once a child enters your life. Balance is just as important in our self concept as in personal relationships, nutrition, sleep, checkbook... Keeping it all in check is the challenge, and the support for a healthy outlook and "happy" outlook.

ethiopifinn said...

and Ang. sorry...just posted before i proofed!

Leanne said...

You are a great mom simply because you love those little ones so much. You are an exceptional mom because you don't put yourself in a box. You allow yourself to be YOU even given the limited time YOU are available to exist amidst the demands of motherhood. That's probably what I love the best.

Lovin your blog.