LOVE has come for you.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

resisting, responsibility, reminders

****Cards have become a reality****12/17 :)
I am resisting the change we have chosen
change that is inevitable
I am resisting the responsibility that I created
we face the consequence
I am reminded of rejecting the rules
with this stack of bills.

I don't wanna!  But I'm gonna.

Broke, busted, flat.

Totally interrupted by, well, pee.  Suvi was sitting with me when her diaper had reached capacity.  She fell asleep in the car on the way home from church.  I carried her directly to her crib where she slept for an hour and a half. After she woke, I brought her out of the bedroom thinking, "I should really change her diaper," but she was HUNGRY.  It was just one of those meant to be things.  Sort of pulls you right out of your pity party when your child pees on you.  And only because she had been wearing the same diaper since her bath at 8:30 in the morning.  Hello?  Does she care if her Mom is wishing she had managed the money more responsibly over the past 3 years?  Does that pile of papers in front of Mommy look like anything more than coloring opportunities?  Does she even know that Mommy hasn't been buying her super cute outfits like last year? NO NO NO.  She wants to be held and loved, fed and changed, bathed and adored.  None of those things break the bank.  I don't want to be broke anymore.  That is why I can't be self-indulgent, eating out every weekend, buying up the cutest little leggings and tunics for my daughter when she has sufficient clothes in her drawer (well, if you know me, you know they are actually in the laundry basket and then on the floor most of the time, but we're illustrating a point here people, not pointing out my quirks), and even printing Christmas cards. 
   I have the photo ready to go, but I don't have the money for it.  This situation is very frustrating and humbling for me, as I LOVE to send Christmas cards, as much as I love receiving them (okay, I like sending them more, it is so fun!).  Saturday was a really busy day at work, but mostly haircuts, which means lower tips.  The cards were hoping to be paid for with Saturday's tips, but the U.S. Department of Education ranks top of the list.  If the opportunity presents itself, Costco will be fawning over those two little cuties--are they twins?  OOH! they are sooo cute!-- sometime in the next 10 days.  It doesn't matter to me if the cards arrive late.  I would be happy to mail them on the 24th.  Last year I think our Christmas cards arrived first to many of our friends and family.  Wouldn't it be great if this year our card arrives last?  Some balance there...

And this post really resonated with me this morning.  Thanks for the Treasure, Julie!


elizabeth said...

Oh, my dear. I am sending hugs your way. You're doing what you think is the right thing. And it's hard. Why isn't doing the right thing always easy. I wonder who I make that request to.

(Now I feel slightly bad that I am not sending out cards this year .. I might have to make you one. :) Last year, I was totally late - I think I was even contemplating not sending them - and so I bought Happy New Year cards instead. Hee. I sent out a few and then never finished .. I just threw them out. Dave Ramsey would not approve at all.

Joni said...

It is so liberating to cut out all the things you don't need - darling outfits (my baby doesn't know the difference either), and when Christmas cards are a stretch (it adds up unbelievably!) it is hard to cut it out. I cut it out and it helped, it was hard the first year and is hard subsequent years when we get such nice ones in the mail, but what can a person do? You do what you have to and you are better for it. Stay strong Jenny!

Julie said...

Hugs from me, too! We are in a similar situation with lots of bills, (we even have our Christmas card designed and waiting) so I appreciate your candidness. (Is that a word?) It's hard but then kids remind you that they don't need much, just your love and attention.

Jan said...

yah, sometimes I have to step back and look at the big picture- what really matters and such. Sometimes it(the big picture) comes clearer to me than others. The final outcome of your efforts here will be so worth the peace of mind when you get there!

Jen H. said...

Yes, yes, yes. I really have to check my wants at the door when we are Christmas shopping, because often that is what it comes down to. The kids aren't going to notice (or die if they do) if they don't get the latest and greatest things for fun.

MindiJo said...

Sigh. I completely understand. But I went ahead with the Christmas cards and a couple other things, anyway. When I shouldn't have. Now we'll tiptoe carefully until payday...
Still learning.