LOVE has come for you.

Friday, April 30, 2010

suitcase of guilt and platter of blame

a couple of weeks ago i was talking life with one of my fave clients.  she was having a special anniversary: 2 years since her bariatric surgery.  it changed her life in ways she never expected.  she was beautiful before surgery, and is beautiful now (at a different size), but she still wouldn't tell you to go out and do it.  i just enjoy my time with her, mainly because she is so stinking positive and real at the same time.  i mentioned something about my size, "my kids don't know yet, that their mom is not hot." (okay, i 'm holding back tears now) stephanie said, "mom doesn't think so, but she is.  you are hot."
   I'm sick of feeling huge and ugly.  and sick of feeding my stress and hating how i look.  i hate that i don't have ankles.  but right now, i have not been able to commit to healthier choices with food.  and i feel guilty over it.  and angry.  anything we focus on, give energy to, can grow.  i've been focusing on my fattitude, and it is getting bigger.  (i would like to focus and energize my healthitude, and grow that way.)  this is only exacerbated by my current nose situation, but hello, it is a condition that has been edging further and further out of control for quite some time.  i know people who have swollen noses gain some weight.  and i have gained more than i wanted to already.  i have over a month to go til my nose goes back to normal, and i've been at my intended gain mark, and exceeded that mark for over a month.  this is not about swollen noses.  it is about coping skills. and self talk.
   I don't want to transfer my body image and food woes on to my kids.  everything i come across about processed food and clean eating stresses me right out.  i really tried with theo, to introduce him to a variety of foods.  he just won't eat it.  i'm always worried about his brain, and those little cells in his body getting crusty from the hydrogenated devils on his plate.    i can't even explain the joy i feel that suvi eats fruit. every. day. because she likes it.
   and i am worried that diet has a lot to do with our current issue for T.  i think the lady on the phone called it interrupted fluency, or some kind of fluency somethingorother.  he is stuttering.  we have 2 appts booked to see what the experts think.  it is all kind of scary for me, but...i don't know.  somehow, it doesn't feel too bad, his actual speech, i mean.  i worry that it is related to his diet somehow.  like he needs cleaner fuel.  and i'm sort of paralyzed...i haven't looked into any alternative options for him, because...i'm sort of paralyzed.  big sigh.  and it is all, of course, my fault. obviously.
   *he just exclaimed, "Oh, come ON!" lol!  he's so great.  he's watching a program, but it is exactly what he should've been saying to me, if he only knew.*
    when we talk about the situation as parents, i have a lot of anxiety.  i want to take care of it, and i guess it bugs me that he has an opinion.  like he should just agree with what i say because i am the mom.   he's a deliberator, likes to explore options, and wants answers right now.  i like to keep it simple.  i want to just see how it goes, while he likes to have some info to start. he worries about it on a larger level, like, does T have  a brain tumor. meanwhile, it is because i have failed as a mother and am ruining his chance for a productive life. we BOTH want T to be able to speak smoothly and not feel frustrated by getting stuck on a word. 
   *suvi: "heh heh, heh-heh. i love band aids."  they are both sporting 'em, because they, well, love band aids. yes, i'll have to figure out the why of my feeding my fears. we will get T's fluency hic-cups ironed out.  and in the meantime, they can wear bandages when they don't have boo-boos and --hey! maybe i should try one on my nose. a little distraction?*
  oh shwit.  i bet i have to read that dang I Am list to myself.  i think i'll just read through some Message Mondays, out loud (make that Monday messages).  I think that is the cathartic piece. HEARING the words.


Jan said...

My advice is don't carry guilt!!! Guilt is worthless. I went to therapy to learn that!

That said, I know what you mean. Guilt happens. Give yourself a break today and don't think about your weight. If fact, just don't think about it until after your six week checkup. Seriously. You've got more important things to focus on right now, like a cuddly new little babe. You are almost over the finish line with that right now, and how awesome is that- and guess what? Your body is doing it!!!! And the nose will shrink.

Has Theo had a well-child checkup lately? I'd start there. Rule out the brain tumor. My guess (uneducated) is that his brain is focused on other developmental issues right now, and that is interfering with his speech development.

ONe more thought- I grew up with a handicapped mom (polio- one leg shorter than the other) and a one armed dad. There were times I was a little embarrassed- like middle school age, but they were and are beautiful people. They did not let their handicaps get in their way, and they still loved and disciplined us, and grew us up. Looks don't matter. Stop and think about someone you really love, and you can hardly think of what they look like because it is so much more than that. I have though about this because of my "gimpy" face- I feel ugly too, at times. Hopefully I can sometimes shine from the inside.

You are beautiful, Jenny, and don't tell yourself otherwise.

ethiopifinn said...

jan, you are a big liar.

kidding. but that's what i hear in my head, right? ooh. thnaks for the support. i'll take it!

yeah, we had a 3 year check up in december, but the stuttering has recently increased. i'd asked our ped. about it sometime last year, and he wasn't worried then. it sort of ebbs and flows. but theo himself has started voicing frustration about it. last weekend, when he was hungry and low on sleep, it made me cry. he would try and try to get a word out, then stop when he ran out of breath. he said, "I can't say it!" perfectly clear. my boy :)

ethiopifinn said...

yeah, that was supposed to be 'thanks' for the support.

and it hurts me to read the words 'gimpy face'. but i get what you are saying. i haven't seen you irl more than once since bell's entered your world, but you DO shine! i'm so glad to get a glimpse of you and your life on your blog. (hope thats not too nicey-nice for you. ha)

elizabeth said...

Hey, sweetie. No advice or suggestions from me, just oodles of love and hugs. I've been there (well, not about the kids, but in general), and it really just sucks. I can tell you that you are beautiful and gorgeous but, from personal experience, I remember that nothing people ever said really made a difference. I mostly figured they were just being nice. Doggone voices in our heads.

By the way, if you have time, I really enjoy reading Brooke Castillo's blog: http://brookecastillo.typepad.com/

Joni said...

you can only do the best that you can do Jenny, and you are the best mom to your kiddos. none of us are strong enough to take on the responsibilities and cares of this life, that is why we have to REST in the strength of the Lord. He is the one in control. I know you know that, but hoping it helps to be reminded at a time like this:) xoxo

Julie said...

The guilt complex- ugh. Maybe it comes from a woman's innate need to nurture and protect- everybody but ourselves, that is.

Theo is a bright little guy who's lucky to have you as his parents. There are vitamins added to lots of foods nowadays- I'm sure he's getting what he needs anyway, even if he doesn't love veggies. :) Hopefully the visits to the doctors will put your mind at ease. It's never easy to see your child sruggle with anything.

It's interesting what you said about focusing on the fattitude (hehe) vs. the healthitude. We would never tell anyone else, "wow- you're looking less disgusting every time I see you- keep up whatever you're doing!" It'd probably be helpful if we applied that same basic respect to ourselves. :) Good idea to repeat the list. Here, I'll help you.

"I am loving
I am kind
I am incredibly interesting, wise, and authentic (I added that 'specially for you)
I am brilliant
I am skillful
I am honest, and **most of all**
I am beautiful."'

Hugs and love to you- hope things get easier.

Anonymous said...

We mothers seem to bring that suitcase home from the hospital with our babies. As much as it is a waste of time to worry----we still do.

I wish you lived closer so our boys could play and you could put some of your fears to rest.

When we give ALL of it to God to take care of, we have comfort. But, it is a difficult thing to TRUST that He will take care of us. When we try to take control of everything, we get anxiety. Give those worries to Him, Jen.

You are beautiful. Your smile and giggle are catchy : )

Also, there is this lady that works at a store in town. I always notice her because she is not outwardly beautiful, but has the SWEETEST attitude. It makes me happy to go through her line just to get a few good words from her.

I like to read about your kids and there cute words......I can't believe how big they sound!

Put your feet up....only a little more time to go too see your little one.



Anonymous said...

"No amount of guilt can ever change history."
Stop the guilt. You do have the power and the strength to change your future.
Mentally: what if your kids see a thin mon? or....what if they see a mentally healthy mom who loves them, loves their dad, and loves herself. which one teaches them more about life?
love you, babe. hang in there.
ann b.

MindiJo said...

If only we could love ourselves as we should. I'm struggling with the last ten pounds of my baby weight and it's SOOO HARD!! I see it an I think everyone else must, too.

Hang in there!!

I'm sure Theo does not stutter because he ate a Swiss Cake Roll. (One of my fave junkfoods, fyi.) I'm sure he'll thrive because he has a mommy who hung the moon.

Confused Chaos said...

you are you and you wouldn't be you if you didn't feel all these conflicting emotions.
you're doing the best you can and I think you do it fab-u-lous-ly.
I am in awe of you. here you have grown up issues that YOU WILL handle and I'm over here crying over a poopy man.
Love you lots!!!!

ethiopifinn said...

lo- poopy man IS a grown up issue. don't forget, poop stinks, but it is an important part of our day. YOU should really know that ;)

mindi- i've been thinking of you...before your sweetie pie arrived, you sent me an email about how your body was treating you. it does get better, doesn't it! <3

ann, b, e, julie, joni... thanks for the reminders and the love!