a couple of weeks ago i was talking life with one of my fave clients. she was having a special anniversary: 2 years since her bariatric surgery. it changed her life in ways she never expected. she was beautiful before surgery, and is beautiful now (at a different size), but she still wouldn't tell you to go out and do it. i just enjoy my time with her, mainly because she is so stinking positive and real at the same time. i mentioned something about my size, "my kids don't know yet, that their mom is not hot." (okay, i 'm holding back tears now) stephanie said, "mom doesn't think so, but she is. you are hot."
I'm sick of feeling huge and ugly. and sick of feeding my stress and hating how i look. i hate that i don't have ankles. but right now, i have not been able to commit to healthier choices with food. and i feel guilty over it. and angry. anything we focus on, give energy to, can grow. i've been focusing on my fattitude, and it is getting bigger. (i would like to focus and energize my healthitude, and grow that way.) this is only exacerbated by my current nose situation, but hello, it is a condition that has been edging further and further out of control for quite some time. i know people who have swollen noses gain some weight. and i have gained more than i wanted to already. i have over a month to go til my nose goes back to normal, and i've been at my intended gain mark, and exceeded that mark for over a month. this is not about swollen noses. it is about coping skills. and self talk.
I don't want to transfer my body image and food woes on to my kids. everything i come across about processed food and clean eating stresses me right out. i really tried with theo, to introduce him to a variety of foods. he just won't eat it. i'm always worried about his brain, and those little cells in his body getting crusty from the hydrogenated devils on his plate. i can't even explain the joy i feel that suvi eats fruit. every. day. because she likes it.
and i am worried that diet has a lot to do with our current issue for T. i think the lady on the phone called it interrupted fluency, or some kind of fluency somethingorother. he is stuttering. we have 2 appts booked to see what the experts think. it is all kind of scary for me, but...i don't know. somehow, it doesn't feel too bad, his actual speech, i mean. i worry that it is related to his diet somehow. like he needs cleaner fuel. and i'm sort of paralyzed...i haven't looked into any alternative options for him, because...i'm sort of paralyzed. big sigh. and it is all, of course, my fault. obviously.
*he just exclaimed, "Oh, come ON!" lol! he's so great. he's watching a program, but it is exactly what he should've been saying to me, if he only knew.*
when we talk about the situation as parents, i have a lot of anxiety. i want to take care of it, and i guess it bugs me that he has an opinion. like he should just agree with what i say because i am the mom. he's a deliberator, likes to explore options, and wants answers right now. i like to keep it simple. i want to just see how it goes, while he likes to have some info to start. he worries about it on a larger level, like, does T have a brain tumor. meanwhile, it is because i have failed as a mother and am ruining his chance for a productive life. we BOTH want T to be able to speak smoothly and not feel frustrated by getting stuck on a word.
*suvi: "heh heh, heh-heh. i love band aids." they are both sporting 'em, because they, well, love band aids. yes, i'll have to figure out the why of my feeding my fears. we will get T's fluency hic-cups ironed out. and in the meantime, they can wear bandages when they don't have boo-boos and --hey! maybe i should try one on my nose. a little distraction?*
oh shwit. i bet i have to read that dang I Am list to myself. i think i'll just read through some Message Mondays, out loud (make that Monday messages). I think that is the cathartic piece. HEARING the words.