This is an excerpt from my journal. I couldn't get online, but I wanted to remember and record my state of mind on my birthday.
Judah is 81/2 weeks old. Hooray!
So here it is 11:38 pm, I'm making Habtamu's lunch for tomorrow, rough sketching an idea for altering one of my fave dresses (its a shift dress-knit-with a collar, black, I haven't worn it since I was pregnant with Theo. Something I wore when (&before) I was pregnant with my first child is too, too small 2 months after the birth of my 3rd child. Woah.), thinking about joining WW and how I'm going to attack this Drive-thru weight as I bite into a slice of Red Velvet Cake. Yummy.
Suddenly it is very clear why that dress doesn't fit.
Earlier tonight the realization of my out-of-control cankles hit me like a ton of bricks. Bricks built of cheeseburgers, fries, and mocha frappes. And red velvet cake. Remember I said I was dropping those frappes immediately not too long ago? Well, I started ordering those 11 point bad boys again. For a person my size, one frappe is 1/3 f my daily allotment. Um, ew?
We don't have a full length mirror in our house. Ours broke-it was on the bedroom door, and it just cracked one day (T and S are notorious door slammers). For perhaps 2 years, the lighting in our room was terrible--or wonderful for a LID like me (Lady In Denial). The ceiling light was recently repaired, but that was during this last pregnancy when I was 'enormous'. Now, I am just 'huge'. I can't even believe how tremendous my knees are under all this stress. My feet still look like pillows. Only tonight did I see that they are fat, not swollen. They went down quite a bit a couple of weeks after giving birth, and I've been concerned about the water retention. You don't pee out fat. You walk it off. Its about the only exercise I can bear to do at this weight, and I've GOT to do it.
I made a pact with a client 2 weeks ago to begin exercising regularly; we'll report to each other at her next appointment. Oh boy. I walked 3 days, then lost my motivation. HOLY CANKLES, FATMAN, MY MOTIVATION IS BACK. I have 4 weeks til I check-in with Victoria again. My hope is to have lost 4 pounds. Oh. My. Word.
Illumination is a gift for which I am most thankful. There is no better place to be confronted with a challenge than in the dressing room at Target. The lighting is terrific, and the mirror placement allows one to view herself from all sides. Head to toe. Only one item of 10 fit me properly. I bought it--today is my 35th birthday. I wanted to get a little something for myself. The true gift: seeing my body as it is, over-stuffed and stretched, without talking to myself with hate or deflating words, but with bright clarity, and a plan. A plan to walk myself healthy. Happy Birthday to me!
The Red Velvet Cake is from Costco, from my Mom.