happiness

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Friday, July 23, 2010

Thirty-five kisses off LID.

This is an excerpt from my journal.  I couldn't get online, but I wanted to remember and record my state of mind on my birthday.

20July 2010
Judah is 81/2 weeks old. Hooray!
So here it is 11:38 pm, I'm making Habtamu's lunch for tomorrow, rough sketching an idea for altering one of my fave dresses (its a shift dress-knit-with a collar, black, I haven't worn it since I was pregnant with Theo. Something I wore when (&before) I was pregnant with my first child is too, too small 2 months after the birth of my 3rd child. Woah.), thinking about joining WW and how I'm going to attack this Drive-thru weight as I bite into a slice of Red Velvet Cake. Yummy.
   Suddenly it is very clear why that dress doesn't fit.

Earlier tonight the realization of my out-of-control cankles hit me like a ton of bricks. Bricks built of cheeseburgers, fries, and mocha frappes. And red velvet cake. Remember I said I was dropping those frappes immediately not too long ago?  Well, I started ordering those 11 point bad boys again.  For a person my size, one frappe is 1/3 f my daily allotment. Um, ew?
    We don't have a full length mirror in our house.  Ours broke-it was on the bedroom door, and it just cracked one day (T and S are notorious door slammers).  For perhaps 2 years, the lighting in our room was terrible--or wonderful for a LID like me (Lady In Denial).  The ceiling light was recently repaired, but that was during this last pregnancy when I was 'enormous'.  Now, I am just 'huge'.  I can't even believe how tremendous my knees are under all this stress.  My feet still look like pillows.  Only tonight did I see that they are fat, not swollen.  They went down quite a bit a couple of weeks after giving birth, and I've been concerned about the water retention.  You don't pee out fat.  You walk it off.  Its about the only exercise I can bear to do at this weight, and I've GOT to do it.
    I made a pact with a client 2 weeks ago to begin exercising regularly; we'll report to each other at her next appointment. Oh boy.  I walked 3 days, then lost my motivation.  HOLY CANKLES, FATMAN, MY MOTIVATION IS BACK.  I have 4 weeks til I check-in with Victoria again.  My hope is to have lost 4 pounds.  Oh. My. Word.
    Illumination is a gift for which I am most thankful.  There is no better place to be confronted with a challenge than in the dressing room at Target.  The lighting is terrific, and the mirror placement allows one to view herself from all sides.  Head to toe.  Only one item of 10 fit me properly.  I bought it--today is my 35th birthday.  I wanted to get a little something for myself.  The true gift: seeing my body as it is, over-stuffed and stretched, without talking to myself with hate or deflating words, but with bright clarity, and a plan.  A plan to walk myself healthy. Happy Birthday to me!

The Red Velvet Cake is from Costco, from my Mom.

9 comments:

Jan said...

Like I said, Happy Birthday! I can personally attest to the value of exercise! The weight loss comes slow, but the feeling better about yourself comes quick! (esp. when I am not watching what I eat)
Love that body, it just gave you a baby Judah!
walk on!

elizabeth said...

I love the "without talking to myself with hate or deflating words" the most.

Happy happy birthday again! I love you! I wish Atlas and I could come walking with you.

Hey - speaking of weight, have you ever read Geneen Roth? I am reading her books right now and really enjoying them. They are giving me epiphanies. :)

ethiopifinn said...

Jan, When I was in college, I walked all the time...it was my main transportation. But when I started beauty school, that was 40 hours a week and I had a part-time job. I got out of the habit. I know I will feel the change in the long run. Even the 4 walks i've done so far, I feel so good when I 'm done! Thanks, I gotta start treating this baby maker a little better!!!

Lib, You give me so many books to add to my list. It would be so fun to witness Atlas on a walk. There are lots of doggies in our 'hood, and an off leash park just a few blocks away. If only... :)

MindiJo said...

One day, after my second babe, I started exercising. To assist in losing the baby weight quicker. I haven't stopped since. It feels wonderful to push your body. Not at first, I'll admit. It takes a while to get into it. I hope you fall in love with it like I did.

But more than that, I hope you love yourself and your body for what they are. Wonderful. Beautiful.

And happy belated!! Hope it was wonderful.

My word ver is sceasis. As in "see as is". See? I told you- you should see the beauty in yourself.

Anonymous said...

I always tell myself, "excercise is my drug." But, right now I can't convince my body that I need it! I have to schedule it into my day, but at the moment I have been filling my days with berry picking.....so I feel tired and cranky.

I thought you were 28. Man! Where have the years gone???

-B

Anonymous said...

Go Jenny! Go Jenny! You can do it! Stop the bad internal dialogue...it's what's stopping you. I know, not easy. We all do it. But look at your beautiful babies and think how much they deserve a healthy Mom. Keep them as your motivator. You will soon be addicted to walking!
Happy Belated!!!

Julie said...

Happy birthday to you! Good for you, buying yourself a new outfit. :)

Ugh- weight is such a touchy subject. Especially to oneself. But, I'm glad you're kicking negative talk's butt and going with the positives. I'm working on that, too! Not so easy all the time but it WILL be worth it. Go, Jenny!

Leanne said...

I can so relate to this post. I hope you're walking like a crazy woman, but not today. Today is bloody HOT. Walk tomorrow. :)

Love you.

Confused Chaos said...

I'll walk with you anytime! Just call and we can walk for 30-45 mins.