I made bread tonight from the T Fam cookbook (Thank you Sandy). I never thought i could make bread. Never thought *I* could make bread. Or something good. Or anything good. Every time I make a recipe and it comes out good, I.Am.Thrilled.
As I was ladling up the soup to eat with my bread--the good bread I didn't know I had in me--Suvi came running into the kitchen. For one beautiful moment I totally saw how everything good is God. It just hit me that Suvi is good--I kinda made her, the bread is good and I *did* make that. In that moment my heart was light, full of light; it was so clear how my life is blessed with God's creations. All the things I love fall under one of His patents.
Usually my days are even and average-y, yet there are times when the waters are murky. Usually, my opinion of myself is...worthless. I feel worthless and my opinion is worthless. I just feel so substandard, studying on my faults as if I'll be tested on the ins and outs of my imperfections. Most days consist of a tug of war, my inner love/hate battle. Some days are bright and cheerful, brimming with the best positude ever, but mostly i have mere moments of that. Joy. JOY! I don't mean to say that I'm unhappy or that I don't enjoy life...it should be clear at this point in my blogging, but I will say it again to hear it again, this life here is my dreams come true. Not looking for pats on the back or encouragement. THIS is quite simply my normal; one day I'll lean heavier on the sunny side than the mud puddle side. One day.
But today...Today in my kitchen I saw God's love. It all fit together for one blissful moment. No whining, no hitting, no pouting, no money, no job, no nothing between me and a moment of crystal clarity. Yes, I always love my children (some days I am markedly better at it) and my husband. I love feeding them--especially if it involves flour of some sort. They are parts of me now, those Loves. And there are a few parts of me, within me, that I love. Like, my hands, my fair skin, my--this one is weirdly difficult to admit--voice. My singing voice and my perspective.
With much joy and humility I am celebrating a moment of love beyond myself. Grateful for this extra-special i-wonder-if-sandy-knew-how-awe-inspiring? daily bread, grateful for the gifts all around us, I can ease into an evening with a great sigh of relief. My new favorite sentiment: "I love how you love."