happiness

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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Stings a little bit

This evening Theo said to me in a very hopeful, happy voice: I am so happy you're not mad at me, Mommy.

And just now, as I was spooning her melty ice cream into her pretty little mouth, Suvi: I want a blue bitar (guitar) and earrings (touching both her earlobes) like you Mom.

Sigh.

I guess if I don't want the boy to think I am mad at him more than not, and I really don't want my girl to have earrings, there are some changes to be made around here.

Oh bother.  My little precious babycakes are my mirrors and my shadows.  I need to do the work so they don't get shadowy.  And I had to share this to remind myself that it matters what comes out of my mouth, how it comes out, and what goes in (and through) their ears.

I've had my humble pie for the evening!

Its not just me who suffers if I am not taking care of myself.  This is, at times, very difficult to accept.  Pity parties and mud puddles are not Table for One with these children in tow.  Best to avoid or prevent such occasions.  so that is IT. i am getting 50% stricter around here.

I am picking my heart up off the ground, taking my head out of my arse, and getting on with life.  Dr Wanschura, HERE I COME!!!!!  It took a lot of strong suggesting from my dear ol' pals, and some serious pushing from my friend/client  JG (who had her babes in short order and knows the dumps from first hand experience) and her threat to call and check up on me today to make sure I made myself an appointment.  This is more than the blues here, people, it is more than a pity party or a mud puddle or a bit down.  I am afraid this is the big time, and it scares the poop out of me.  It has been lasting too long not to say, I can't make myself even write the word...depression. Exhale.

I've been experiencing a range of emotions, but the biggest factor is my bitchiness.  It is much greater than usual.  I'm just crabby and irritable and then sometimes sad.  But I am most definitely not enough of myself to go any further feeling THIS ANXIOUS.  I'm really scared to admit all of this to myself, and will probably regret being so open about it here, but there is always the 'delete post' option, for later, when or if I am feeling more private about my life.  It isn't every moment, like I remember from 13 years ago, but then, I am NOT willing to get to that whimpering puddle of me that thankfully made it through that time.  Eew.  I was miserable.  I wanted to shrivel up into nothing and blow away in the wind.  Now I want to fly the most beautiful kite ever dreamed of in the wind.  With a huge colorful tail that screams celebration of this good vibration.  And I am going to do it just as soon as my head is all cleared up. 

I do wonder why the evenings seem to be...um, Normal.  I don't feel any of that burdensome squeezing in my chest or tumbling of my brain after the sun goes down.  Why is that?

I am thankful that my husband is so supportive. And even though I'm sure it is hard to hear your wife say time and time again, "I'm sad." "I just don't feel right." "I'm so stressed out." And maybe even scary to hear her say, "I'm depressed. In a real way." I bet it is a bit of a relief to hear her say she is ready to change it. I'm thankful for him and in my dark moments feel ashamed I'm not healthier for him. But I will be. It is in me. I am in me.



Mr Sensitive loves his "mr conductor" hat.

the thumb suckers (i did til i was 13!)

Suvi trying to convince Theo to drive to Caribou with her.  This was her get up just before bedtime...jammies, sweater, church shoes on the wrong feet, back pack, bracelet.

17 comments:

Jan said...

oh, honeybear, I don't know what to say except that I have been there. And I don't know the answers, but just the act of realizing you need help is a good start. And you have to keep searching/trying until you get what you need. It might not be at the first place you go.

The phrase that has rung in my head over the years is that "it is the strong people who get help."

I wish I could offer you more, but you don't really need my advice. I wish I could be closer, I would come get the kids for a few hours so you could get a break.

PS. you got some cute kids!

Anonymous said...

This life just is not always easy, but surely has it's sweet moments!
I know those shoes you are in, and I know they are some of the hardest to walk around in. I give you HUGE kudos for #1 admitting. I had so much trouble with that part!

You are so strong!

ethiopifinn said...

Thank you, my friends. For real. It does help me to be encouraged with your comments!

Jan--I've been thinking of you and knowing we've GOT to get together. But I want to feel a little bit more sorted out...

Anonymous said...

Hey fabulous you-
I just swung by here today, and saw this post! I'm sorry I didn't pick up on this during our chat Tuesday night! (What a good friend, hey?)

I'm not sure that I have any wise words for you, but when I have been overwhelmed and not myself, I try to keep those Precious Words in front of me. One of the most comforting ones to me is: Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.... My yoke is easy, and My burden is light. (Matt. 11:28,30) That frees us up to be ourselves, and remember what He wants us to do is not as much as we think it is, and that He cares for us!

You are precious, He made you to be yourself. And not only do you have a family that loves you, you have friends that do too, and most importantly you have a wonderful Heavenly Father that also loves you just as you are!!!

Many hugs to you, and hopes that you get it all sorted out! :)
Love, Angie

Laura Jean said...

I have no words of wisdom for you, but I am so very happy you are taking care of YOU so YOU can find that wonderful, happy mommy, wife, and friend that you KNOW is in you- it just takes a little digging (and sometimes tears and bitchiness) to find that person! Much love to you- may you feel like YOU soon! <3

MindiJo said...

You made comments here and there in various places and now I'm kicking myself, thinking, "Why didn't I see those comments as something more?" Sorry. We just don't know each other well enough IRL to know what's out of place and what is not.

Admitting it is a HUGE step. Possibly the biggest. Having three really little ones at home is hard. I've been there. Done that. And wouldn't do that again for a million dollars. It's hard being a momma and then adding depression on top? Gah.

Take care of you. Numero uno. And the rest will fall into place. The good news: Your kids are still so little. Your love will overshadow this. This isn't how they will remember you. They will remember you for what you truly are. A loving, wonderful momma. Your love for your family oozes out of this blog.

ethiopifinn said...

Mindi, Laura, and Angela-- thank you :)

Joni said...

Love the pics - I know your job is tough Jenny, I'm glad you are on the road to taking care of yourself -- and for your beautiful family to give you that motivation. Keep your chin up! It must have been difficult to post this, but I'm glad you did! Now we can support you, because I think you already know, we LOVE YOU!

Amy said...

Hi Jenny.. Depression is a hard thing to realize that you have... I think it just creeps up on people... but once you realize that you don't have to feel that way, that's when it gets better. You will feel better, though. I can't imagine the energy it takes to be a mom, but from knowing you and reading your blog, it's clear to me that you're a wonderful mom to your beautiful children. Now, it's important to mother yourself. :)
Take care. :)
-Amy

mella said...

'I am in me'... powerful. that kite flying is not far away with self knowledge like that :)

one of my horse mentor women speaks of depression as a true pathway toward untapped energy and creative potential...

you are a courageous, strong whoa-man, I love you.

plus whenever you say you're getting 50% stricter I feel like you are bringing your Joy along on the ride - a most helpful companion.

Anonymous said...

Oh Jenny - I heard what you were saying about being sad and not being yourself and did not pick up on the cues. From someone who's been riding the rollar coaster and has been riding it for too long a time lately - admitting it - knowing you need help... I am thinking about you and praying that your on the way be being yourself again. Love L

Anonymous said...

Miss Jenny,

I am so PROUD of you. The strongest people are the ones who get help. And you are an inspiration to me and to all others who have been there/are there.

I can see that you have normal, well adjusted children. They love their mama. And that little thumb sucker! ohhhhhh, he is so cute!

Do not feel afraid to call......I will listen.....I have the time.

I love you, girl.

-B

Anonymous said...

Hello, I am sorry you are having a hard time. I have been there before, I have had postpartum depression after my last two children. The only thing that I can think of is once you get help, it's like a light at the end of the tunnel, know you are not alone. Things will get better,and there is one thing that has always stuck with me that my MD said and that is do it for your children, they need a mom to take care of them and it;s not your fault, it's not like you said Hey, I would love to have this! But treat it. You will get better and you will survive. I know I don't know you well, but feel free to call me sometime if you want to talk or email. I have been there, but there is light.
sheila Newman

~ Junkyard Jennifer said...

Jen, I'm so sorry you're going through this awfulness. I understand what you're going through and you are so brave and courageous to make that appointment. (I wasn't able to when I was going through the same thing. My sister made the call for me without me knowing and I'm thankful for that every single day!)

It will get better. I know for myself that was impossible to believe most times because there is no fast cure but it did get better. And I know it will for you too. Prayers for healing and recovery for you!

It's so easy to hide it. I did for about two years without my friends and family having any clue how miserable I was or how much I was struggling. Wishing God's strength and love as you begin down this road of recovery. ((hugs))

I'm here if you ever want to talk.

By sharing and putting yourself out there, know that you're helping other women who are struggling, too. You're not alone.

We're not alone.

~ Jennifer

Leanne said...

I love you. You're wonderful person and a wonderful mother.

Sounds like postpartum depression...PLEASE talk to your doctor? There is help out there, and the cold, slow winter will much more managable if you talk to someone and get the help you need. It's temporary...this too shall pass.

Call me or stop over if you ever want to talk. I'd be happy to watch those babies of yours whenever you need a break too, okay? Muah.

Julie said...

(I somehow missed this post earlier.)

The kite analogy was beautiful- it's something to strive for and I pray that you'll get there. SO glad you're honest about this. When you're battling through depression, especially the first steps, let your friends and family help. Have the kids go somewhere for the afternoon and then go home and sleep! Or create. Enjoy the quiet. Whatever you need to do to feel better and get through each day, don't be afraid to ask for it. Much love to you!

Julie said...

Oh, and I LOVE the pictures of your kiddos! Suvi is dressed to the nines for her Caribou outing. Lol. And your conductor with his train pajama's- adorable. Judah is so stinkin' cute! And his mama's gorgeous. :) Glad you shared them.