happiness

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Saturday, November 20, 2010

T'ree Fitty

Yat da da daaaaah!
This is my Three Hundred Fiftieth post!

celebration
ease of step

consideration
easy breath

deliberation
answered prayer

again and again and again.

It is a new day.  Thank you for all the care and concern.  It is great to read such words of kindness. 

This thing is so sneaky.  It just crept up on me while I was busy folding undies and onesies.  I did go to the appointment on Friday.  I do have a plan in action.  My depression isn't what I thought Depression would be.  I wasn't sobbing all the time, I didn't want to hide in my bed, I wanted to do fun stuff--by myself and with my family and my friends, I still felt happy in general about the way my life is going, I could enjoy the things my kids were doing.  But more and more I was feeling overwhelmed.  I felt like I was overreacting to my kids' misbehaviour.  Inside.  And I would be growly.  I did have moments of sadness, but mostly I just kept thinking, "I need a break."  I don't think that is an unusual thought.  Being tired isn't unusual either, for a woman in my situation.  Three children under 4 years old.  But I wasn't waking up refreshed. 

In one breath I was counting my blessings and the next breath I was counting to 10.  Adding 1 +2, however,  was nearly impossible.  I tried several times on Thursday to add some figures to balance the checkbook.  I came up with a different sum every time.  It just felt so confusing.  Um, not to be weird, but I am a smart cookie.  It should not have been difficult.  I had already scheduled my appointment, but still felt nervous about going, even with my laundry list of symptoms.  AT the same time I felt relief.  Great relief in admitting, HEY! I feel crappy mccrapperson on a regular basis over here.  That ain't right!

Last night and again this morning I was discussing my condition with my husband, and debating in my head about whether or not I would go ahead with the plan I made with my doctor, and wondering if all of this was really happening.  Never mind that I had already asked for help,and unloaded on a friend who confirmed that I do, in fact, need help.  So I was moving around getting ready for work, praying--asking for an answer.  Suvi came into the bathroom, "I love you Mommy." Okay, good.  That is a pretty clear 'go ahead.' A thank you prayer sent.  Doubt returned IMMEDIATELY.  The kids started yelling and fighting and my chest started shrinking. Okay, good.  That is a second crystal clear 'go ahead.'  That's it. 

I am committed to getting out from this web.  I have been able to see the light all this time, but my movement has been restricted.  I found a way out, though.  It'll take some time, but I'm ready baby.

8 comments:

~ Junkyard Jennifer said...

It's amazing in how many different ways depression can manifest itself in any one of us. I had feelings of being completely overwhelmed when I was feeling like that, too. Day to day things that I should have had no trouble with could feel immensely difficult. And, my lack of patience with my kids was ultimately what drove me to get help (albeit in a more roundabout way). I didn't ever want them to remember me in that way. And, you know what, they won't. They were so little during that time. And, the same is for yours. Little ones are so forgiving.

I'm glad you feel that bit of weight lifted by opening up about it. You're on the right track!

~ Jennifer

Anonymous said...

Most people think of depression as "laying in bed, crying all day". Like you say, depression comes in many forms. It rears it's head suddenly while "doing the dishes".......and right behind it comes a the sweet balm of peace, leaving the victim confused..... Some of the happiest moments come in the midst of depression.

I call it a gift. And a curse.

It opens a world of learning. About compassion. About tolerence.(if I hear of a fellow-sufferer, I immediately give them a free pass.)

YOU, Jenny, are giving your children a gift. When we finally say ENOUGH! our kids (and spouse) come on the journey of healing with us. We open their eyes to using new tools to work with. (I remember "before" when the hub and I talked about the natural world with distain. Then "after" when we were both thankful that I had so many options to choose from.)

I love you Jen. And you make me so darn proud.

Keep posting. Call when you need to. And I mean that.

-B

Jan said...

It is really interesting for me to follow what you are going through and looking at it through eyes that are on the other side. Not that I won't go through it again, as the odds are that I will, but as experienced eyes. Not from in the middle of it. It all seems clearer from out here. You are doing the right stuff, dear. Keep on!

ethiopifinn said...

UNITE!

As I am reading these comments this morning, I am amazed at the women in my life. Your wisdom is a welcomed gift. In our previous conversations about depression, I hadn't really considered myself part of the club. I mean, I knew I was right there at the ringside, but didn't realize I am a card carrying member.

I believe all the support and encouragement you were giving me prepped me to say it: this has got to stop.

Thank you, Love you!

Anonymous said...

BTW: Congrats on the 350th post!! Let the drums roll............

-B

Joni said...

oh the relief! I can feel it there, waiting for you. I too, am so proud of you. Thanks so much for sharing yourself. I heard you on the phone, but when you got to the place of being able to lay it out so clearly in this way -- I realize, once again how slow I am, pretty consistantly. I'm thankful for you, for you reaching out and doing the hard stuff.

Julie said...

I am here, applauding you each step of the way. You deserve to be in that light, Jen, and it takes courage to take the first steps. Bravo for wanting to work through it.

My depression consisted of me being frozen but going through the motions of living. I'm slowly moving again- at a snail's pace but it's improvement. Thanks for your honesty.

xoxo

(You have some wise and wonderful commenters, by the way.)

elizabeth said...

Celebrating your bravery.
Sending love.
Wishing you relief and comfort and support.

xoxo