Yat da da daaaaah!
This is my Three Hundred Fiftieth post!
ease of step
again and again and again.
It is a new day. Thank you for all the care and concern. It is great to read such words of kindness.
This thing is so sneaky. It just crept up on me while I was busy folding undies and onesies. I did go to the appointment on Friday. I do have a plan in action. My depression isn't what I thought Depression would be. I wasn't sobbing all the time, I didn't want to hide in my bed, I wanted to do fun stuff--by myself and with my family and my friends, I still felt happy in general about the way my life is going, I could enjoy the things my kids were doing. But more and more I was feeling overwhelmed. I felt like I was overreacting to my kids' misbehaviour. Inside. And I would be growly. I did have moments of sadness, but mostly I just kept thinking, "I need a break." I don't think that is an unusual thought. Being tired isn't unusual either, for a woman in my situation. Three children under 4 years old. But I wasn't waking up refreshed.
In one breath I was counting my blessings and the next breath I was counting to 10. Adding 1 +2, however, was nearly impossible. I tried several times on Thursday to add some figures to balance the checkbook. I came up with a different sum every time. It just felt so confusing. Um, not to be weird, but I am a smart cookie. It should not have been difficult. I had already scheduled my appointment, but still felt nervous about going, even with my laundry list of symptoms. AT the same time I felt relief. Great relief in admitting, HEY! I feel crappy mccrapperson on a regular basis over here. That ain't right!
Last night and again this morning I was discussing my condition with my husband, and debating in my head about whether or not I would go ahead with the plan I made with my doctor, and wondering if all of this was really happening. Never mind that I had already asked for help,and unloaded on a friend who confirmed that I do, in fact, need help. So I was moving around getting ready for work, praying--asking for an answer. Suvi came into the bathroom, "I love you Mommy." Okay, good. That is a pretty clear 'go ahead.' A thank you prayer sent. Doubt returned IMMEDIATELY. The kids started yelling and fighting and my chest started shrinking. Okay, good. That is a second crystal clear 'go ahead.' That's it.
I am committed to getting out from this web. I have been able to see the light all this time, but my movement has been restricted. I found a way out, though. It'll take some time, but I'm ready baby.