happiness

LOVE has come for you.

Monday, August 6, 2012

rebel.

you know? when people say, "it's not you, it's me"? it's true: it really isn't you, it really is me.
hmmh.
go figure.

and so if i am breaking up with you, it is not because of the wrong thing that you authored, it's because of the difference in how i read it.  different from your intention, or different from my expectation.  now i get the positive light of keeping expectations low.  it should be so much easier to take life as it comes, to accept what is when it is in the here and now.

you pickin' up what i'm layin' down?

i have questions.
questions such as...
    why, when i see where i want to be, don't i take the steps, one foot after the other, to go to the place to be?
     why is it so very difficult to simply ask for what i want? (by the way, one of the things i want is some really good ice cream.  and i just want you to sit with me and be my friend.  it is so lovely when you 'do' for me, but what i need is for you to 'be' with me.)
     and other similar questions. also, what is the purpose of those starting blocks in the track races?
.....

if you are my fb friend, you may already know that we went to the zoo today.  i love it. today was warm but not sticky.  so nice for walking the path.  and my kids were really well behaved.  i think i will move to the zoo.
what?.




1 comment:

elizabeth said...

Noooooooooooo! The annoying Google sign-in thing made me lose my comment because it errors out whenever it asks me to include a phone number and I don't! It was so beautiful. Probably the most beautiful thing I've ever written. Hehehe.

Trying again ...

You made me think of Byron Katie - who I am reading right now - because she always makes me chuckle when she says things like, "You know you don't need it because you don't have it right now. It's hard to argue with reality because reality always wins." And yet, I do. ;)

I remember saying, long before I realized there was such a thing as working on my stuff, "Why, when I know why I am doing something that I don't want to do, doesn't that mean that I don't do it."

It is so so so hard to ask for what I want. Impossible often. Sometimes even to acknowledge it to myself. I am working on it. Much empathy.

Insert .. Oooooooh. I am looking at my notes from Your Dog is Your Mirror because he had much useful insight into why this is so. I wonder if I wrote any of it down.

Ohhhhhhh. I found it. When you're born, you have no idea how your wants become true. Feelings begin and end with a want and you have no experience of time so you think that your feelings make the wants come true. Then, when you start to think, and become aware of yourself in relation to other selves, you realize that others have something to do with your wants coming true - that you need others to make you whole. Later, we learn to justify our wants to satisfy others, and when we're corrected or denied, we create judgments like, "My self isn't good enough to have what I want". We don't have the perspective necessary to understand the larger context so we blame ourself when a want doesn't come true. Every time one is denied, it comes with the judgment, my self isn't good enough.

You can see how we might find it harder and harder to ask for what we want. :)