Things, as they say, are never as they seem.
I felt dejected, rejected, ignored. Unappreciated and unloved.
And then, I felt a shift. Not house shaking, earth-shattering shift,
no. No.
A shift, a tilt of my plane. Yes.
As if I've leveled out.
I am fluent in both projection and denial. And this evening, I will enjoy this bit of clarity, when I can see what has been here all along.
...I am stalling. It is always difficult to admit my faults. Difficult only because I have so few of them, it hardly seems possible to illustrate such a minuscule part of my character. Aaaaand, I jest.
Okay. So. Enough vague-ities.
Ahem.
Oh. You're still here? Well, the thing is, I am a terrible wife. Not THE.WORST.WIFE.EVER, but just the regular amouont of terrible. I complain about the way he (doesn't) rinse the dishes. I complain about how he drives. I criticize. I rarely make dinner. I have pity parties right next to him and refuse to share the fun. I get mad at him because he doesn't talk to me enough. Sigh.
And then there are nights like tonight when I can see how much he loves me. I enjoy the little chunks of conversation we have in between the kids' shouts and hollers. And I can appreciate that he got to spend 30 minutes reading the news while the kids were downstairs with me, because last Monday I was the one getting a moment for myself. I see the give and take. I am not obsessing about the bank account, because he pushed me to get myself organized. It's less stress for him when it is less stress for me. Because when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
And that is what it is. When I am stressed and worrying, I seem to look at my world a little off kilter, or through some hazy filter. Instead of "It's not you, it's me," I tend to think it's all you/him. But not tonight. Tonight I have the gift of a clear line of vision. I always know we have something good. It's just so good and right to feel it on a Monday.
I felt dejected, rejected, ignored. Unappreciated and unloved.
And then, I felt a shift. Not house shaking, earth-shattering shift,
no. No.
A shift, a tilt of my plane. Yes.
As if I've leveled out.
I am fluent in both projection and denial. And this evening, I will enjoy this bit of clarity, when I can see what has been here all along.
...I am stalling. It is always difficult to admit my faults. Difficult only because I have so few of them, it hardly seems possible to illustrate such a minuscule part of my character. Aaaaand, I jest.
Okay. So. Enough vague-ities.
Ahem.
Oh. You're still here? Well, the thing is, I am a terrible wife. Not THE.WORST.WIFE.EVER, but just the regular amouont of terrible. I complain about the way he (doesn't) rinse the dishes. I complain about how he drives. I criticize. I rarely make dinner. I have pity parties right next to him and refuse to share the fun. I get mad at him because he doesn't talk to me enough. Sigh.
And then there are nights like tonight when I can see how much he loves me. I enjoy the little chunks of conversation we have in between the kids' shouts and hollers. And I can appreciate that he got to spend 30 minutes reading the news while the kids were downstairs with me, because last Monday I was the one getting a moment for myself. I see the give and take. I am not obsessing about the bank account, because he pushed me to get myself organized. It's less stress for him when it is less stress for me. Because when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
And that is what it is. When I am stressed and worrying, I seem to look at my world a little off kilter, or through some hazy filter. Instead of "It's not you, it's me," I tend to think it's all you/him. But not tonight. Tonight I have the gift of a clear line of vision. I always know we have something good. It's just so good and right to feel it on a Monday.
4 comments:
Then what a beautiful Monday gift to you.
~ann b.
Oh, GEEZ. I'm not the worst wife, either. I certainly am not the best. I just hope that I'm the best one for my HH. Just like you are the best one for your HH. Maybe you don't make supper, but I'm guessing there is something about you that the HH loves and it completely makes up for that. It all evens out.
MUAH. Loved this post.
thank you for sharing that gift, I feel the power of those *small but mighty* shifts... and love the visual of the wings leveling out...
that 'enough' idea is staying with me. such a juicy one to explore on a regular basis...
love you!
Thank goodness for these moments of clarity.
(I also enjoy the moments of clarity that reveal that my perceived flaws are the result of love, only I am acting from fear instead of faith, hence the behavior being things I do not love. It helps me see myself with more compassion :)
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