happiness

LOVE has come for you.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

i can't see you

and I never even really thought about you being there. At least not for a while.

Until Anonymous stopped in over at bits and pieces, and I found myself with a new follower. I started this blog as a mode of writing to keep in touch with me. I love to write, although photos seem to take over because my kids are just THE most adorable creatures ever known, and I have become aware of those readers who comment, people from my life, so my innocence and complete me-ness have been corrupted by your presence. It doesn't take truth away from my posts, simply colours what I share a different hue.

Why would you read my blog if you aren't really connected to me, either from personal interactions out there in real life, or through my words? So you do feel a connection. Why would you not let me know you are here, if it is a usual thing for you? Don't you think that is kind of creepy? It reminds me of the people who used to eavesdrop on party lines. My sister's husband still had a party line on the phone at the farm when she moved in. "Who dat?" I always wanted to say when I picked up the receiver. Maybe you are suspicious of the Internet (you little lurker) or don't know what to say or find it easier to hold me in judgement if I don't know you're here (and judgement usually means negative, but maybe you think I am too FABULOUS! in that case, please tell me just how brilliant and wonderful). Obviously we blog hop from time to time... but if you are somewhere on a regular basis, it seems weird that you NEVER have something to add. You are a valued customer here at the Jen Mart. People have told me in person that they visit me at this address, I can appreciate some face to face comments, as long as it doesn't get to 'in your face.'

From here to there, its everywhere, its air. We need it to live. I need this blog like I need to see the Lake (Superior, of course), drink coffee with my girls, laugh with my man, kiss my babies, listen to my Mom, observe my sisters, create magic in hair color, peruse my photographs (and yours). I can live without this blog, without you even, but I don't want to keep that internal monologue going. I must open the doors and air it all out. Sigh.

I can't see you, but now I can feel you. Breathe in, breathe out. By the way, I want to thank you. Thank you for telling me what you appreciate in my posts, and for sharing my airing. Peace and Love.

(and this is not a nice word, but it is just rolling around in my head so it MUST be said; i am a complete compliment whore. seriously an ugly word, but i feel compelled to really lay out an outstanding moving thought provoking complicatedly vague post mainly for me, which is less prostitutey, but also because I love praise. i'm all for being humble, but i really get a high from a nice thick slice of wow. ha! you probably already sensed it, so yeah. as much as i don't want your pity, i'm like a little child who glows with positive feedback. unless i'm in a funk. then i might just judge you and scoff at your bad judgement. that is just me, my filters, my hormones. )

Ooh! i am in love with blogging again! might not go political on your a-double-s, but I'll over think and analyze myself til the cows come home. {reminds me of my high school journal where i recounted events of the day or weekend, and dreamed the dreamiest dreams of boys and young men. how life can make me laugh!} S&G sang, "after changes upon changes we are more or less the same." It rings true in the way that i still love to read my own words and gaze at my own photos and i love to be right, but not true in the sense that i have finally learned what it means to accept people as they are, even if I have a difficult time in executing my newly learned skill. turns out i don't have to fix anything, and it is okay to love you (and by 'you' i mean you or me) through your own mistakes and messes. I'm trying to remember what D said behind the salon when we were talking about advice...not giving it, and if we are solicited, to have separation from the other's action. Basically we are responsible for our own actions and decisions and only have to show love to the folks around us. Was there more? D is so grrrreat.

Showing love is not just adoration and smooches and sugar, unfortunately. It also involves honesty. Oh that was it! "Where honesty and kindness meet, kindness wins." Right? So visit my blog, or don't. Comment, or not. Know these words are mine, shared with you, but not meant to burden to you. When lashing out happens, there is some healing in store for the heart so hurt it casts out its pain to others. Showing love does include disagreeing, not disharmony, brother. Come on and love one another right now!

(this feels so familiar. have i done this post already? just don't want to be redundant. or repeat myself. haha)

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

"we are here, we are here, WE ARE HERE!"
(horton hears a who)
~ ann b.

Joni said...

wow. can you see me? you're the stinker, I think. I can just see your fabulous self enjoying your coffee in a fabulous way after that blog. you rock in a certifiably piping, powerful way.

Elizabeth Halt said...

ditto to joni's comment. could not have said it better myself.

there are a few blogs that i read regularly that i don't comment on yet .. in those cases, it's because there aren't always a lot of comments and they all seem to know each other, so i sort of feel like i'm intruding on a close group of friends. (which is funny, because i know the authors would be some of the most welcoming of bloggers .. but there it is)

i do think that the whole subscriber thing does make it easier for people to read and not comment though because you (i think, don't use one myself) have to click over from the feed to comment which takes more time.

here's the thing that i have come to think about praise .. i don't think most of us get enough of it. i could comment on every post of yours and tell you it's fabulous and that you're fabulous (and i think that, btw) and i don't think it would be too excessive. i think that people get more than enough judgment and criticism and ugh from their own head, let alone other people. someone once told me that i write my stupid blog and post my stupid photos so people will tell me how wonderful i am and then i'm like pavlov's dog and do it again to get more praise and you know what - if that's why i write (or why anyone writes), i think that's fantastic! oodles of compliments for everyone, i say! :) the more you hear it, the more you start to think that maybe it's true - and i don't really think that there's anyone out there who doesn't need a little help in that arena. :)

Leanne said...

Dude. This entry made my heart sing a little. I love it.

In the six posts prior to yesterday's, I had 24 comments. Nice. Welcome. But less than the thought-provoking one. I, too, had wonderful gorgeous rugrats that I will continue to share.

But I think women WANT to talk. I think we have a lot to say, and we SHOULD. We should share our hearts with each other, and our brains. Inspire each other. Remind each other that our paths aren't *just* work and motherhood and laundry. They are rich and challenging and rewarding.

I am a Stimulation Whore. I like to think. I like to hear what others think. I want to keep talking about things that are thoughtful...

...and so we will.

Thanks for your blog, Jen.

Deanna Granroth said...

I see you and your beautiful family :)

XOXOX
Deanna

mella said...

If you were redundant, your thoughts needed repeating...

Thanks for making me smile and laugh out loud this fine morning ~ although you are sharing in a very personal way, this is a great commentary on many of our quirky/charming sides!

MindiJo said...

Why are you moonlighting as a hairdresser when you very clearly should be moonlighting as a writer for a newspaper? You need your own column. And I'm not just saying that because you said you like compliments. To which I say, don't we all like compliments? Someone to encourage us and say we are doing something right when we second guess ourselves too much?

BTW: I'm not saying you aren't a good hairdresser. Your hair screams Hot Mama, so prolly you are. But you are just so gifted. I love this post. I love the way your words play together on the page. Serious. I could read your writing all day. Which is why I started stalking you on your blog, btw. I can't claim to know you IRL. Although I've come to realize that I really wish I did.

Keep writing, I'll keep stalking. And be yourself. 100%. Either said than done, I know.

Jan said...

I can see the old Jenny I used to know (the one who took awesome b&w photos-I still think of the one of a girl all made up in an ice cream store or something) who could relate to me on an art level coming back in full force. At first when I started reading your blog, I did not hear/see it. you go babe! It would be so fun to visit in real life.

ethiopifinn said...

jan, it took this long? dang. i still have that photo...maybe i'll post it. sheesh. :)

Cheryl said...

I'll admit, I'm a stalker, and I like it. I have no idea who you are but I stumbled across your blog and became addicted. I love the raw honesty of your posts and they are written so well- and I'm totally with Mindi!

Amy said...

I have to say I have lurked on your blog a few times coming from Elizabeth's or Leanne's blog. I have never commented because I don't think you would remember me but I love to read your writing! Then again maybe you do know me- Amy --used to be Haapala:) I met you hmmm maybe when I was with Angie- or maybe camping trips. I have to say I don't really remember. I am glad to see life is treating you well and have to say when I am reading your blog I can still hear your voice.

Unknown said...

i love it when stalkers remove the ski mask! lol.

thanks for leaving a comment, susan, cheryl, and amy (i DO remember you, i ain't that old yet!)

~ Junkyard Jennifer said...

I want to say 'ditto' to everyone else's comments. So original, I know! But I love when people let me know they're stopping by. It's not like I'm ever going to hold them accountable just because they said they read my blog! I don't always have time to read everything that everyone else writes all the time. Except for you. ;) Actually, there are a few of you that I do catch up on when I get behind just because I like your writing style so much.

I pretty much comment at least occasionally on the blogs I read regularly. Although, sometimes I'll come across one of 'someone we know IRL' but I won't comment unless I become a regular--especially if I don't really know them well, or haven't really 'met them IRL'. Make sense?