LOVE has come for you.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

fast thinking

I've just dropped more spaghetti in the pot, to go with our meatballs.  My belly is satisfied, but I thought I'd just make a little extra pasta incase someone around here wanted seconds.  As I set the box back on the counter, a flood of emotion came over me.  And many different thoughts.  "I should fast to remind myself of the hungry bellies in Haiti.  I am resistant to the fasting aspect of my husband's culture.  I am ashamed of my resistance to any part of his culture.  I am afraid his family won't like me.  My heart still hurts at the memory of the people who have told me I am not good enough for my husband.  I hate that thought, and I don't want to believe it.  I understand a little better in this moment, the reason for religious fasting. Oh! These meatballs are sooo good."

You know how you have those strange chain of thoughts, right?  It was hard to get it all down without adding what I am thinking and feeling now.  And without explaining more.  Habtamu is eating seconds now.  I love him.  I love feeding him.  And other stuff.

And there is another thing I'd like to get off my chest.  Some other things I don't need to appologize for ANYMORE.  Yes, I do like Olive Garden.  It may not be gourmet, but I really enjoy the Zuppa Toscana, and I have some wonderful memories from Olive Garden. Like my engagement!  And great conversations with friends near (laura, can you say "crack kills") and far: yay for Duluth!  And for that matter, I like a lot of other chain restaurants.  I can devour a People magazine.  I like tv. Quite a bit.  I like small groups, and don't try to convince me I should go to the big group gathering despite my preference.  You know what? If you like it so much, you shouldn't have any negative energy about whether or not I am there.  Yes, I am THAT fun, but you will just have to see me more often in small groups.  Oh, and it IS okay to discuss my emotions, sisters, because stuffing them makes me ill. And so what if I have an emotional reaction due to hormones.  It is true for me in the moment, and still valid, so I won't dismiss it as a monthly or a pregnancy thing.
Whew.  My goal is to accept my preferences.  Remember the kindness and the needs of others, and get over to Olive Garden sometime soon.


Julie said...

No stuffing emotions- (just your family's bellies) it makes the rest of us feel a little more normal. ;)

Your husband's culture sounds fascinating. And I've always thought about how much self-restraint it would take for me to fast...

Great, insightful post.

elizabeth said...

Hurrah for not apologizing for your preferences!

I stuffed my emotions for years, and look what it got me, LOL.

Olive Garden, yes. They still have the best bread sticks and salad around. Some year, I will get to the Cities, and we will go to Olive Garden and feast. Yes.

I understand the idea behind fasting. However, I do not think that fasting would remind me of the Haitians. It would distract me from the events because I'd be so focused on my belly and the thoughts in my mind about the experience of fasting. Really, not helpful for me personally.

Brita said...

Great post!! I love your honesty, and if we were all honest, we would all admit that we can relate.

Joni said...

I'm glad you don't stuff your emotions, and I feel the same way about the emotional reactions that might come about - so what if hormones factor in, it is still very real and is there for a reason. good post!

MindiJo said...

Well. I like you and your preferences just the way you are. No need to hold back on anything.

Jan said...

Hey, no apologies, no guilt needed.

Guilt and the "shoulds" including the "I should be's" are soooooo pointless, and let me tell you- it took me a long time to learn that!!

so take it from me- it ain't worth it!
we like Jenny how she is.

Amy M said...

I love Olive Garden too! It reminds of my first trip to Arizona! Great memories!

And I love getting emotions out and small gatherings :)

ethiopifinn said...

the day after this post, i unloaded some of my opinions on someone who ended our conversation by hanging up the phone, mid-blathering. sometimes my feelings and view-point are less helpful than i would like. she still likes me tho. phew.