I've just dropped more spaghetti in the pot, to go with our meatballs. My belly is satisfied, but I thought I'd just make a little extra pasta incase someone around here wanted seconds. As I set the box back on the counter, a flood of emotion came over me. And many different thoughts. "I should fast to remind myself of the hungry bellies in Haiti. I am resistant to the fasting aspect of my husband's culture. I am ashamed of my resistance to any part of his culture. I am afraid his family won't like me. My heart still hurts at the memory of the people who have told me I am not good enough for my husband. I hate that thought, and I don't want to believe it. I understand a little better in this moment, the reason for religious fasting. Oh! These meatballs are sooo good."
You know how you have those strange chain of thoughts, right? It was hard to get it all down without adding what I am thinking and feeling now. And without explaining more. Habtamu is eating seconds now. I love him. I love feeding him. And other stuff.
And there is another thing I'd like to get off my chest. Some other things I don't need to appologize for ANYMORE. Yes, I do like Olive Garden. It may not be gourmet, but I really enjoy the Zuppa Toscana, and I have some wonderful memories from Olive Garden. Like my engagement! And great conversations with friends near (laura, can you say "crack kills") and far: yay for Duluth! And for that matter, I like a lot of other chain restaurants. I can devour a People magazine. I like tv. Quite a bit. I like small groups, and don't try to convince me I should go to the big group gathering despite my preference. You know what? If you like it so much, you shouldn't have any negative energy about whether or not I am there. Yes, I am THAT fun, but you will just have to see me more often in small groups. Oh, and it IS okay to discuss my emotions, sisters, because stuffing them makes me ill. And so what if I have an emotional reaction due to hormones. It is true for me in the moment, and still valid, so I won't dismiss it as a monthly or a pregnancy thing.
Whew. My goal is to accept my preferences. Remember the kindness and the needs of others, and get over to Olive Garden sometime soon.