happiness

LOVE has come for you.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

T-5

This time next weekend, I expect I will be packing up my bag and settling into the driver's seat to return home.  My Mom is treating her girls to a weekend away.  I have had a mixed bag of emotions about this trip, with excited anticipation being the strongest.  We've never done something like this. Not Ever.  So the hope is for smooth sailing and lots of laughter.  I've already thought about packing my bag, for the past three weeks.  I might do it tonight.  Five days is not too early.

I've been sort of mulling over the activities; there will be games, eating, movies, and I'm bringing pedicure/manicure stuff, and...I want to do some sort of positive bonding/realtionship building exercise.  I am not versed in that sort of thing, and don't even know how to search for it.  Quite possibly my sisters mightn't look at our weekend together as a time to learn and heal, but that is what would be really satisfying for me.  This being the first trip together, perhaps it would be better to just let whatever happens, be. 

What is it, exactly, that is being sought after in these hopes?  What is the motivation behind the 'building' expectation? 

Essentially, my goal and need to accept my sisters as whole and complete beings, is a reflection of my own desires to be accepted as is.  Of course acceptance by them of me, but undoubtedly, acceptance of me by me.  I am good enough.  I want them to know me.  I want my sisters to see a friend in me.  In my perception, they do not have a true picture of the youngest sister.  One of them has even voiced that she sees me as a child.  I still think of one of my nieces as a tiny baby, although she is a 26 year old college graduate about to purchase her first home.  I love the woman she is, but her entrance into our family was really significant to me.  I was old enough to know how special a new baby is, and old enough to remember how our life changed when she was born.  So I get that my sisters might have that sort of connection to me and my entrance on the scene, but something inside of me longs for progression in my relationships with them.
I was in my late teens or early 20's, we were out at Katie's, when she or my Mom or one of the others remarked on my sense of humor.  They didn't know I was funny.  I remember thinking how very strange it was, since laughter/humor is probably one of the first things my friends would have said about me at that time.  And it is still what my childhood friends identify in me when we see each other those few fun times a year.  It was at that time that I realized how we relate to each person uniquely, and that we reveal parts of self selectively.  Certainly it wasn't a conscious decision to be less funny with my family, but it is interesting how our roles are activated depending on our human environment.

Quite often I feel that my life is so compartmentalized: life with the Hubbinator and our kids, Work, my Mom, our extended family, my soul sisters, my dear e-friends, and my childhood friends.  None of the groups have much cross-over.  It is my own construction, but I don't really like the set up.  Honeycomb is strong in it's compartmentalization, as well as lovely.  Hmm...

I've decided to bring my 35mm on the trip.  It hasn't been used since 2008.  Wow.  I was blog jumping last week (started from Elizabeth's inspirations blog list) and read mention of film.  Digital is so wonderful and convenient, but I miss film.  Costco has affordable developing.  I'll bring it, my Canon AE-1, along and take her out for a spin.  She'll help me connect my dots and fill in my blanks, and capture moments of laughter, love and healing with my darling Mom and her daughters, My Sisters.  Oh how I love them!

10 comments:

Julie said...

Fun! Whereabouts are you headed? Enjoy... :)

I like what you said about how we relate to different people uniquely and selectively. It's so true.

Leanne said...

This entry spoke to me so deeply, I'm actually losing tears. I'll respond later tonight when I'm not prepping dinner for the inlaws. Love.

Sharyn said...

This is a beautiful post. I hope you bring home everything you hope for.

I'm the oldest of four siblings - and quite honestly, I feel closest to my youngest brother who is 16 years younger than me. I was already driving when he was born, and the life he had and knew was so completely and totally different than my own. I marvel at it constantly.

How could you not know him?
How did you not ever meet that uncle?
How are your memories so very different than my own?
How??

Even within our family - it was so different. I knew a complete family - but he never did, as our parents split up when I was 18 and he was just 2.

I marvel at it all the time.

But he is also the one I'm closest with.

fascinating.

Leanne said...

I want them to know me.

I think this is the part that struck me the most. I want them to KNOW me. Even the things they don't know about me. And I want them to love me, not in spite of the things that make us different, but *because* of them. I am who I am *because* of those things.

We have very different personalities, my sisters and I. We kick around a sisters weekend, but it hasn't happened yet. I hope it does someday.

And I hope that you have all the things I have someday. And I really hope you come back and tell us about them. XOXO

Jan said...

ahhh, sisters!
they are a funny thing. I got lots of love and frustration, at times, with mine. Mostly more love and less frustration these days. And I am the baby sis also. I think we will never get out of that spot- we will always know less, us babies. I laugh with my mom, because she is the youngest of her sisters now, as her younger sis passed on years ago. Her older sisters (in their 80's and such) still treat her as the younger sis at times...but she calls to check on them, etc.

We have our annual ladies weekend- and it has changed over the years. Less "personal" (bigger group) now, but I think it is more fun that way.
Maybe you could bring old photo albums to your weekend? As an "ice breaker" to conversation about the past? Or a slide show of old slides?

elizabeth said...

I didn't read all the post yet, but I have an idea for an activity for you if you are interested. Send me an email and I can 'splain. It's not a relationship building exercise, but it is an activity that helps you see all the fantastic things about others and yourself in a way that allows you to sidestep the resistance you usually put up to hearing it (the "no, that's not true ..).

elizabeth said...

I hope your trip is everything you want and more.

It did take a while before I could see Helen as not-the-baby (she was the last baby, and I have so many photos of baby Helen .. and it was really hard to see that she wasn't the baby any more). And I really enjoy getting to know her.

~ Junkyard Jennifer said...

That sounds so great! We've never done a sister's weekend either (although a few of my sisters are still school age) but we hope to someday. Have a fun time!

And, you put it so succinctly about how we relate to different people individually in our lives. I've often thought on that very subject. Definitely food for thought!

~ Jennifer

MindiJo said...

Oh, how I love your writing. I've missed it. I can't wait to get back to the blogs. I miss you. Hope your weekend was all you wished it would be and more.

#6 said...

I hope you took us for who we are. No expectaions, we are all full of faults and our own baggage as a family.I thought it was a truly exceptional time! I do hope it happens yearly as we don't have many years left for mom to see we do actually love one another. I do count my sisters as my very best friends. For they are the ones who would put their families and lives on hold for me if something serious should happen. Just as we all were at mom's side in a scare. I love my sister's as I love my mom and my own family. Frustrating but UNCONDITIONALLY and WHOLE HEARTEDLY. I love you dear sister and my god show you peace in your heart and mind. You do write so much better then I!! XOXOX XX