Yesterday I was in the basement at work, pumping, and having a come to Jesus meeting with MOE's bride. They are at a bit of a crossroads, needing to funnel some new and high-maintenance clients in to M's chair. I was telling her that I, too, am ready for more work. She was feeling the heat of her heart and about to float around the room in her fervor to believe God will hear their prayer and for the Glory of God MOE will prosper. She was quoting Scripture left and right, and it was firing her up! I was pumping left and right. And listening. If I am going to leave my family for any amount of time, in the name of Earning Money, I want it to be right, and, I want it to be worthwhile. She kept asking me, and said she will keep asking me, "What do you want?"
This question paralyzes me.
Elizabeth from Retinal Perspectives suggested we ask the same basic question. In this moment, I can do that, and, in life, frozen.
I've been speaking to my partner in life about the whole concept...Honey, what are we supposed to be doing? If we are facing these kinds of challenges, is it an indication that we are not where we really would like to be, or doing what we truly enjoy? Challenges like...financial fitness/peace...doubt and discomfort in the workplace...personal insecurity...trembling confidence. (Don P had an excellent sermon on using our gifts to do God's will and to glorify Him. I've often thought about asking for a copy of that cd. I think he was here for Spring services a couple years ago.)
It is the same feeling I used to get when there was a paper assigned in college, and the vastness of the UNwritten word would overwhelm me. In the beginning, the deadline would work as enough of a catalyst to accomplish a paper, but near the end of my courses, it swallowed me whole, my anxiety over the starting place and underlying philosophical worth of the paper, and I chose to leave my university coursework unfinished, before it finished me.
It reminds me, that paralysis, of the moments just before my children moved from physically part of my body to resting in a blanket on my chest. When it became apparent that the child would need to leave the coziness of my belly and enter the world, I would freeze. Nature is beautiful, in that it is impossible to simply walk away from the daunting task. You quite literally must push through the pain. In anticipation of the moment when human life and God's unbelievable design to breathe life into the lungs of one of His delights, I become stuck, unable to do what I really want. Minutes before Suvi was born, my feet were glued to the tile floor. I knew I had to get back into the bed, get into position to welcome my daughter, but unable to move on my own, Habtamu and the nurse had to force me onto the bed, and guide my legs off the floor. Just before Judah was born, I'd been laying on my side and absolutely couldn't turn back over. I delivered him teetering (haha) on my right cheek. I'm so thankful the body takes over to help the baby out. You just can't not push 'em out. Wondrous and disgusting and beautiful, is birth.
I want to push through the pain. I want to answer the question, "What do I want?"
I am just reading over some of the texts that had so inspired Paulette, and, well, I don't have peace over what I am reading. But one thing that is jumping off the page is the last line of Deuteronomy 28:12 "...and thou shalt not borrow." If I'd been obedient to this very clear teaching a long, long time ago, I'd probably not be so concerned about What I Want To Do When I Grow Up. We honestly do not make a ton of money (especially not my contribution) but we would be able to have lots of fun on what we make if we would have been paying cash for everything all along, not just since September when I won a FPU class. Obviously Dave Ramsey reads this book, The Bible.
What do I want?
I want to pay off my debts, save money, travel.
What do I want to do?
I want to create, celebrate people, document, share.
Hey. That is just what I am doing here on my blog...Now. How do I pay off my debts with my blog?