Annnnyhoo, Sundays are not so blue anymore. It is the only day that both of us, H and I, are home and not working. (of course, I skipped church this morning to go in for one of MOE's clients. she had a family wedding today; as an honoured auntie, needed a dazzling 'do. she is one of my favourite salon-related people. i almost don't want to get to know her more than i already do...i like her there in the special perfect bubble where she lives in My Opinion.) I still take the opportunity to refuel my tank by napping, yet it feels different now, like a treat from my husband, who will entertain Theo and Suvi for hours so I can hole up in our room. These Mommy naps are much better than those teenage and early 20's naps.
Today, there were no naps attol (at all, pronounced a'TOL, like H's work-friend who is from W. Africa. yes, I know it is a bit of an inside joke, but I haven't had my nap, i'm slappy). Hubbinator had the wonderful idea of going for a drive. We planned to eat in Stillwater, then head up to William O'Brien State Park. Well, we were set on this fun little drive-in restaurant where we ate a deliciously greasey lunch last summer...just on the North side of Stillwater. Not long after we passed the Zephyr, I started wondering if we'd passed the restaurant. Something just wasn't right...did we really drive this far out of the town? No, it wasn't more than a half-mile or so out of town, right? On the river side of the road, right? OOOOOH. Honey, it is on the other side of Taylor's Falls. Oops. Only about 30 miles off track. Correct road, wrong landmarks. Heh. We decided to stop there anyway. The Drive-in Restaurant was busy! 2:30 and packed! Yummy burgers. I enjoyed my vanilla coke.
Theo remembered this boulder along the river path from our camping trip last year. Suvi had fun sliding down the side. Mosquitoes were horrendous, so we drove over to the lake inside the park. Lake Alice. It was a good distraction from my own head. Such a fun day!
there was a freakish wind that blew up my pant legs and ballooned out my jeans
(because that is not McDrivethru evidence you see there)
Last night, a few months of worry culminated on my pillow. It has finally reached the logical part of my brain, my Mom's heart attack and her age--all that it means for her. She has truly improved since her angioplasty, but it is as if I've been away, and just seeing her now, time's toll made obvious by the measurable changes in her person. I'm afraid of losing her, my Mother, in a way that is more real to me now. Inevitable. After the episode, she was scared. I mean, who wouldn't be scared after having a heart attack? She was afraid of the pain, and how she would cope, and afraid of being apart from her family, afraid of dying and missing out on the milestones ahead for my children (and the other grandchildren, too, I am sure, but we didn't talk about them. my kids are always right here, under our feet). I found myself, although very sad and scared about the reality of her health, wanting to ease her fears, bolster Mom. One conversation...it is all so private, but thankfully, she doesn't read my blog...I just said, "Mom, we are all grown up now. You have loved us and we love you and we will miss you desperately when the time comes, but we will be okay. And your spiritual house is in order. This is what we all wait for, the chance to sing with angels and be home in Glory. You will not miss us, you will be so happy. So please, don't be afraid of that part. Don't be afraid of dying."
That sure-of-herself gal ain't livin' in my head at the moment. I just dread the day, and the days that follow. It isn't here yet, my Mom is still working, for crying out loud. But she's getting older, and she has a heart condition. And she has asked me the same 2 questions about 5 times in the last 2 months. Most things she remembers, but it freaks me out how she has not remembered that many times. She's going with me to the Fair tomorrow. I'm looking forward to a date with her, I don't even mind that Judah will be tagging along. He's really excited about his first trip to the Great Minnesota Get Together. I'm not going to allow either of them to eat the cheese curds (salty, piping hot cheese curds).
Habtamu tried to comfort me last night. I wanted a hug, and should have asked for one. His words were true and kind. Sometimes, the hug is the thing, though. (hugs are funny. i am very stingy with my hugs, outside of my kids, habtamu, and mom. very few clients are on a first-hug basis with me. in fact, a couple of weeks ago, i ducked and ran to avoid a hug from a client. it wasn't even awkward, that is how much i am okay with my hug delineations.) MOE's client gave me a hug today. She is wonderful. AND a good hugger. No fake-o pat-pats with her. I needed it. B gave me great perspective and humbled me. I needed it. Her Mother died at 52, and she was not able to spend time with her in the few short months of illness. B is from Europe, and her Mama was living there. Sometimes she wished selfishly for her mother's illness to have stretched out a few years, so that she, B, would have been able to go back and take care of her. She didn't get to take care of her dying Mother. It was a gift to me, this morning, to hear the love in B's voice as she spoke of her Mother.
My mother is living 15 minutes from me, I can talk to her every single day, and usually see her 2 or 3 times a week. There is no time-line for her, no "how-much-time-do-I-have-Doc?" at this point. I can take care of her now. Starting tomorrow. At the FAIR!