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Thursday, January 13, 2011

I go wandering once again...


Back to the seasons of my youth...(Y'all should know I love my Dolly)
The youth of my household, and later on, down there past the cuties, a bit of reflection on my own cool self.

Judah has two teeth.

his brother and sister are nudists.

I believe this photo was taken either just before or just after the letter carrier delivered our mail. Ahem.

I feel as though I am learning a bit more about life, and myself this week.  I'm having some realizations...things are not always what I first take them to be.  And that we don't have to always "get it" on the first round, but it's good when we *do* get it.  I failed/dropped out of my senior year at the U because of depression.  I petitioned to go back and finish up, I signed a special contract to make a concerted effort in my classes and repair the damage I did to my GPA from not attending classes (I was in really rough and desperate shape.), but after just  a few classes I could tell that I wasn't ready to do the required work so I withdrew for the last time.

 I've been fairly open with people that I didn't finish my degree (Scandinavian Studies and Finnish language. What? It's totally practical.)  However, I hadn't really admitted the fact that I let depression rule my life to such an extent.  Until now.  Now that I am in a season of healing, I can accept and appreciate the scared girl of 23 shutting down her university career.  "I don't want to stay in the University setting.  How many more papers can be written on Scandinavian literature? Ibsen wrote dark and depressing plays. The end.  It is not a practical degree choice."  Those things may be true.  It felt so...unnecessary, so redundant, so pointless to write those papers about Icelandic Folklore. 

Oh my word.  I LOVED learning those things, and I especially loved studying Finnish.  It was my favorite thing to learn!  And I was pretty good at it.  It was difficult for me to tell my instructor that I was dropping her class.  She is from the part of Finland that I had visited those handful of times, and I loved her for it.  Anything that made me feel closer to my first love, Suomi.  But I sit here, tell you these things, not in a tone of regret, but with a sense of understanding.  Had I not made that choice to leave the U, had I not gone to beauty school, I wouldn't be sitting here in my little house with my loverly family.  Those dark days led me on a path to Habtamu, and that I am most happy and thankful for at this moment.  Of course, like anyone, we have faced some challenges together, but we *are* together and he is a precious piece of my puzzle.  I'm happy that tonight I can reflect on my college days, even the end of my college days, with some comfort and some gentle thoughts for that girl struggling out of her own dark shackles.


17 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry I never gave you the support you may have needed at that time. I am glad you are where you are, though! :)
Self-reflecting is hard work. Go have some chocolate. Or chunky-monkey. Or whatever your vice of choice is these days.
and i think dark shackles are recyclable.
~ann b.

Anonymous said...

Ha! I like the window picture. And the two little teeth! He is a cutie , that guy.

I always say, if I can make it through depression, I can do ANYTHING. It has stopped me midstream in some of the best years of my life, too. Age and experience make us wiser to that ugly diesease.

You have such good, strong words. I enjoy reading them.

-B

Jan said...

Funny how our paths go, isn't it? So glad you can make depression, which is so dark and ugly, into something useful and beautiful. I can feel your healing through your words.
So glad you can be gentle with yourself.
And like Ann, where was I when you were needing someone? (I ask myself.)

ethiopifinn said...

I didn't even know what was going on. I just thought that was how my life was...and I was afraid I wouldn't make it through. But you two *were* there for me. My time with my friends was a reprieve, you are sewn into my timeline.

Julie said...

What really struck me with this post is the sweet and forgiving way you are able to look at your past. It's so important for healing and moving on but it is NOT an easy thing to do. I think it's more difficult than forgiving others.

In high school, I was a straight A student, on the honor roll. A high GPA and I was a semester away from becoming an honor student in my senior year- good for scholarships, etc. BUT, I had to leave school to get help for an eating disorder and I never got that last semester of straight A's I needed. I've always looked at it with regret and frustration- like I could've just held on for a little bit longer and gotten that darn title. You know? But I don't think that's the point or purpose.

You inspire me to look at it differently and let it go. Thank you. Much love to you! <3

MindiJo said...

Wow. To you and to Julie. How very generous the two of you are to share this peek into your very personal life. Thank you.

This post is so beautifully self-forgiving, I could almost cry. Almost.

Anonymous said...

You have such a beautiful heart!
The trials and tribulations---and we know yet there is a plan for each of us...

Joni said...

I LOVE the pictures! Wow - and the words you choose are so effective, I love hearing about where you are/were and appreciate your willingness to share. It always helps to be reminded that we aren't in the driver's seat. And it's a good thing! Thanks:)

Joni said...

I miss you.

Joni said...

I've gotten some good laughs at those photos, honestly, I feel like thier personalities jump through the camera. I love seeing your kids through your blog:)

Julie said...

And, oh my word! Your nudists crack me up. What a surprise for the mail person. :D

mella said...

thank you for the glimpses - love to hear that you are treating that girl gently and with compassion...

your beautiful children are so full of delightful mischief - wonder where they get that from ;)

love you!

elizabeth said...

There is something very mysterious about that first photo of the little nudists. I love it and keep going back to it.

I'm happy that you can reflect with comfort and gentle thoughts for the you of then. Love to you.

This is making me wonder if I ever finished a blog post I started on years of being sad and not recognizing it. Must go see ..

Dawn T said...

I love this post. Every once and awhile I have to remind myself that all the stupid choices and mistakes I made in my past got me to when I am right now - and that is a pretty good place so it was all worth it. It is a wonderful feeling when you can say that :)

Anonymous said...

Jenny, sorry that I was so close yet ~so far away~ at that time... I didn't know how to help, or that I could even. I'm glad that you're healing!

I've closed doors on my past, but this gives me curiosity on what I might find if I went digging... I've tried to learn from each of chapters and not to regret them, but the unfinished degree is a tad annoying.

We could try finish this degree together and tie up that loose end! :) (LOL, I'd probably go for business now.) (Btw: Google Goran)

You're a strong cookie, with an adorable (nudist) family. HAHA!
-Ang

ethiopifinn said...

Ang, I was *just* thinking yesterday that if I did ever go back, it would make sense to go for business management. Funny...

as far as the nudist bit goes, they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Pete/Heidi said...

What a beautiful post, so open and self-forgiving. How true that decisions made in the past affect where we are today... its a good reminder! :)