what does it mean?

i dreamt about blogging last night.
hmm...

timing and help

It is rainy again today, and that just put me in the mood for muffins. I started pulling out my muffin baking options from the cupboards, but I need the step stool to really get a good view in there. It is jam packed and theoretically organized, nevertheless, I need a boost to look around in my stores. The stool was in the basement, so I ran down to get it, and decided to throw a load of the kids gear in the wash, folded the load in the dryer, and stacked it on the stool so I would remember the real reason I was in the basement.

As I reappeared from the depths, DANGER kicked me square in the chest. I saw a peanut, and Theo had his mouth full of the mix the peanut was in. His Auntie brought a little snack from Ethiopia, roasted seeds, grains, and peanuts. It is really yummy, and mostly I've eaten it, well I can say with one exception, PEANUT free. Theo was in the process of spitting out his mouthful as I rounded the corner asking, "There aren't peanuts in there are there?" This is all happening in about 2 seconds time, and I had already spotted a peanut in the bag, but I was in disbelief. Auntie KNOWS about the allergy, but she forgot. It happens, but I am positive she will never forget again. She looked miserably sorry, and apologized. Hopefully I was receptive, because adrenaline and shock were taking over my body. I rinsed his mouth best I could (he *is* 2 1/2) and gave him some Benadryl. I've been trying him to drink juice or water (coffee if he would drink anything, almost), because I feel like water is really a great cleanser and dilutes and keeps things moving on through. He isn't too fired up on drinking his agua, however.

Auntie was on her way out the door for the day, so I hope she is feeling okay. Someone stole her cell phone when she was using it on the street in Ethiopia (oh my word! right?) so she can't even get word that he is doing okay. Actually, she is on her way to get a new phone. I called my Mom to talk about the events, because I didn't want to upset Daddy at work, if it isn't serious. She offered to come over to watch Suvi girl in case Theo needs to see the doctor. At the moment she has them both out for a little walk around the block, so I can get ready for our trip to Costco.
Sigh.
Oh, Theo was using a straw Gram brought to drink ice water from a glass cup. It slipped out of his hand. Thankfully it broke on the carpet, so it didn't shatter too horribly. Wow. Yes, it has been quite a morning already! I am thankful Theo wasn't liking his snack, that I came up in time to know what he had in his mouth, that my Mom was available to help me, and for our awesome vacuum cleaner Habtamu gave me 2 Christmases ago (yes, it was what I wanted :). Sometimes, although it is frightening, I am thankful for such scares. Thankful because it reminds me just how precious these children are and why the annoying fights over Thomas trains are not as big as they feel at the moment. It just hit me that Suvi was a total perfect baby while all the drama was unfolding. I am feeling blessed and loved in this moment. Thank God!

I'll make the muffins another time.

Friday culture lesson

My Lover and I were out to dinner this fine evening... I just have to say that Will Ferrell is HYsterical in that sketch (with Rachel Dratch, Jimmy Fallon, and Drew Barrymore in a hot tub)from SNL.
Anyhoo, Habtamu has a friend in town from DC, a friend originally from Abyssinia, whom we haven't seen in 2 years. We are so happy he took a night away from his sister's house to spend time with us/hit the town with the Habster. He wanted to take us out for a meal, so we hit up the local Friday's. After we ordered the food, 'D' told me he wished he would have brought gifts for the kids, but since he hadn't found the time, he hoped we would especially enjoy the dinner as his gift. I was sandwiched between the seriously hungry/periodically bawling Theo and the hungry/extremely vocal Suvi (think "la, la, la, la, la Elmo's World" sung by a 17 month old at the top of her lungs {btw, the hostess asked H, "how old is she?" and his reply was "14 months." In my mind I was like, "um, what is this, May? that girl is NOT 14 months old."}).

The guys we sitting side by side opposite me and the noise machines. They were speaking Amharic most of the time, and it is so loud in those restaurants (do people really enjoy the music that loud?), that I was just trying to keep the kids entertained until our cuisine was served. Once the kids got some food, I relaxed and really enjoyed my---can you guess what was on my plate?--Cheesey bacon cheese burger and sipped down my diet Coke. Having properly packed my stomach, I was ready to get the kids home and leave the fellas to their catching up. {I adore seeing and hearing Habtamu laugh with his friends. It is great when I hear him bust out when he's on the phone, as most all of his friends are not living in MN, but to see him laugh that deepest, take over your face kind of laugh, oh it makes me happy! I experienced that kind of laugh myself recently and it feels just as good as it looks.}

D left the table for a moment so I asked Habtamu for clarity, "Did he say he is paying for our dinner?" Affirmative. Sweet! As the bill was delivered to the table, they were talking to each other, these hundred year friends, in Amharic, and Habtamu was reaching for his wallet. The full lean to one side, get that elbow up and hand nearing that back pocket move, as if he was really going to dole out some cash. We all knew perfectly well that D was going to treat us, but there is this necessary dance that just made me smile. I'm sure it is not just my man's culture that does the hesitant gift acceptance, probably most people do it, but it struck me funny to see them both going through the motions. I felt like I was watching some kind of documentary--wanting to say to my friend, "Look how they are interacting...I wish they were translating this part of the film. The guy on the right is really hot." Because that is really where I would go. All about the man candy. I digress...

I've received a lot of gifts lately. Newest to oldest they are: Dinner out, huge new tent, washing machine, dvd player in the living room and radio/cd player in the kitchen (+installation), spa gift certificate, balls for the kids, cast iron pan set. All in the last month or so. I didn't hesitate at all about accepting these gifts. I do feel humbled at the consideration and generosity of people in my life, and grateful for the people in which that kindness resides. Ain't it grand!

i can't see you

and I never even really thought about you being there. At least not for a while.

Until Anonymous stopped in over at bits and pieces, and I found myself with a new follower. I started this blog as a mode of writing to keep in touch with me. I love to write, although photos seem to take over because my kids are just THE most adorable creatures ever known, and I have become aware of those readers who comment, people from my life, so my innocence and complete me-ness have been corrupted by your presence. It doesn't take truth away from my posts, simply colours what I share a different hue.

Why would you read my blog if you aren't really connected to me, either from personal interactions out there in real life, or through my words? So you do feel a connection. Why would you not let me know you are here, if it is a usual thing for you? Don't you think that is kind of creepy? It reminds me of the people who used to eavesdrop on party lines. My sister's husband still had a party line on the phone at the farm when she moved in. "Who dat?" I always wanted to say when I picked up the receiver. Maybe you are suspicious of the Internet (you little lurker) or don't know what to say or find it easier to hold me in judgement if I don't know you're here (and judgement usually means negative, but maybe you think I am too FABULOUS! in that case, please tell me just how brilliant and wonderful). Obviously we blog hop from time to time... but if you are somewhere on a regular basis, it seems weird that you NEVER have something to add. You are a valued customer here at the Jen Mart. People have told me in person that they visit me at this address, I can appreciate some face to face comments, as long as it doesn't get to 'in your face.'

From here to there, its everywhere, its air. We need it to live. I need this blog like I need to see the Lake (Superior, of course), drink coffee with my girls, laugh with my man, kiss my babies, listen to my Mom, observe my sisters, create magic in hair color, peruse my photographs (and yours). I can live without this blog, without you even, but I don't want to keep that internal monologue going. I must open the doors and air it all out. Sigh.

I can't see you, but now I can feel you. Breathe in, breathe out. By the way, I want to thank you. Thank you for telling me what you appreciate in my posts, and for sharing my airing. Peace and Love.

(and this is not a nice word, but it is just rolling around in my head so it MUST be said; i am a complete compliment whore. seriously an ugly word, but i feel compelled to really lay out an outstanding moving thought provoking complicatedly vague post mainly for me, which is less prostitutey, but also because I love praise. i'm all for being humble, but i really get a high from a nice thick slice of wow. ha! you probably already sensed it, so yeah. as much as i don't want your pity, i'm like a little child who glows with positive feedback. unless i'm in a funk. then i might just judge you and scoff at your bad judgement. that is just me, my filters, my hormones. )

Ooh! i am in love with blogging again! might not go political on your a-double-s, but I'll over think and analyze myself til the cows come home. {reminds me of my high school journal where i recounted events of the day or weekend, and dreamed the dreamiest dreams of boys and young men. how life can make me laugh!} S&G sang, "after changes upon changes we are more or less the same." It rings true in the way that i still love to read my own words and gaze at my own photos and i love to be right, but not true in the sense that i have finally learned what it means to accept people as they are, even if I have a difficult time in executing my newly learned skill. turns out i don't have to fix anything, and it is okay to love you (and by 'you' i mean you or me) through your own mistakes and messes. I'm trying to remember what D said behind the salon when we were talking about advice...not giving it, and if we are solicited, to have separation from the other's action. Basically we are responsible for our own actions and decisions and only have to show love to the folks around us. Was there more? D is so grrrreat.

Showing love is not just adoration and smooches and sugar, unfortunately. It also involves honesty. Oh that was it! "Where honesty and kindness meet, kindness wins." Right? So visit my blog, or don't. Comment, or not. Know these words are mine, shared with you, but not meant to burden to you. When lashing out happens, there is some healing in store for the heart so hurt it casts out its pain to others. Showing love does include disagreeing, not disharmony, brother. Come on and love one another right now!

(this feels so familiar. have i done this post already? just don't want to be redundant. or repeat myself. haha)

filters...

there are some words that sound so delicious in my ears, i want to hear them again and again, sentiments that looks so right on the screen in front of me...even if they weren't meant to fill a little space i've created, even if they didn't know they'd find a home in my heart, i just squeeze them to fit. like a smooth stone rolling over and over in my hand, some words just feel right. simply the way i want to read those particular words... and in my head the response is, "I wish you could, and (a little bit) wish {it} was yours for the taking. I love you."

There it is my friends, I want you to have what you need to make you smile. Even when you think it is too much, or beyond you, doesn't change how much it'd make me happy, you holding your stone. Because I really do love you.

Wild River

this is the lake at Insterstate State Park in WI It was humid and hot on Friday, and camping on the river doesn't mean a safe swim, so we crossed the border to swim at this great 'Sconny park.In the grasses the parks are working in restoring (prairie and oak savannah, with buckthorne removal teams--be a member!)
Saturday at William O'Brien State Park, the n u d ist.

We got back to our campsite around 6:30 last night...with a few sprinkles. What's a few sprinkles? Then it started raining more seriously- we decided to pack up in a mad hurry. I got the food going and threw it on the fire Habtamu made before packing up the inside of the tent. Habtamu tried to keep the kids in the pines, since the raincoats were here at home, on the laundry table. He wrapped up our soggy tent, and the rain lightened up. We thought about throwing it up again, since we were discouraged and a little disappointed at having to go home early. We were still wondering if we should stay as we drove out of the park. But in the downpour so heavy I wasn't even sure if I was still on the road, we figured it was the right choice to head home. (Habtamu now really wants a camper) As I layed down in my own bed at midnight, kids sound asleep in the next room, i missed the tent, the breeze, the stars... We did have fun while it lasted. And i hope we can go out for a couple more nights before the snow flies.

(people are often surprised that i enjoy camping. i'm not sure whether it is because they do not find it glorious and refreshing, or because they don't know me as well as they thought. clients have asked if we plan to take the kids. what? folks is strange. one of mark's clients actually said, "wellll, good luck." i couldn't stop myself and replied, "that is a strange thing to say." oops. )

More Wild River

one more picasa collage

i'm not gonna lie. i've always liked taking photos of myself. and i like panoramas made with consecutive frame images. i like contact sheets and lining up - piecing together photographs. i am in my head a lot, and i like seeing what that looks like. and my kids will probably be weeding through boxes of photographs instead of other sentimentalities when they have to downsize me out of this house into a senior living condo. "why did she save all the negatives?" well, they are part of me. yes, the negatives from my memorial day weekend trip to the copper country when i was 18 was totally unique and the group snapshots should be treasured. okay, i do still have a lot of negatives that i wont ever use to make photos, but up til now i've been going with the "you never know what might happen, or what tomorrow brings" theory. fine. i'll make something curious with the negatives. do you really want all those chemicals sitting in a landfill poisoning your water? didn't think so. see, they are serving a purpose in my boxes in the basement. and they will wonder (i've rounded the corner, just back from my tangent now) what to do with all the albums and since i've gone digital upon suvi's birth, all the cd's. maybe they'll have a cool little collage or shadow box project on their art desks. desks with MAMA LOVES YOU in my favourite font across a laminated image of me as their blotter. i'd like to hope so.

a day in the life

I discovered artwork on the front window
T is so serious and sensitive and loves to laugh, mama looking for her reflection
S hams it up on the breakfast table and in the 1/4 cup of flour Theo asked to play in
Truck line-ups, dashing down the driveway, climbing on the deck, "ball"
muddy hands, glowing curls

summah

More gushy stuff.

Sometimes ya gotta jam a years worth of talking and laughing and sighing and truth-be-tolds into just a few days, or hours, or here and there phone calls. But they are so worth it, those moments, for the freedom of true friendship. It feels so good to be taken care of and loved by girlfriends.

So much love for the girls in these pictures, and the girls who live across states and oceans...
what a great blessing to be able connect and support and lean.

Also, at lunch today I told Deanna, "I feel like my life is perfect." Just then Theo jammed his straw down hard into his cup and it punched through the bottom as he dropped it and the apple juice splashed all over her feet and mine. I said, "Oh Crap." Theo repeated that one for a few minutes. Hysterical.

When Habtamu offered for the two of us girls to get out of the house this evening, we jumped on it. Wraps from Eddington's and some hair color. I haven't done De's hair in years--felt just like old times. Got home to my sweet Hubinator, sleeping children, and a DVD, p.s.- I love you. This summer is totally double-o-c fun and relaxing! Never mind that I didn't shower today and my hair was looking extra "shiny" if you know what I mean, and my tennies are still sticky from the juice, and Theo stayed up til ten, even though I couldn't get him to nap today. And that Suvi is back to biting again, and waking up in the night a lot lately. Those are all part of it.
Perfect.

Sandy DuPree